To be lonely. Sometimes I wonder. If it is a disease. And what if it is, what’s the cure? To get out of the shell and into the comfort of strangers who might become friends if you just have to guts to hang around long enough and got the ability to find the right icebreaker to get the words flowing and the communication rolling. But what if you don’t do that, or you’re not able to no matter that you try ? Then it becomes a trouble and a half. Then it becomes a problem. And the problem is always you. Trying to break in. Not anybody else. Just you. The social misfit who is always desperately seeking the right path into the crowd but ends up in front of a closed door. That door is always inside your head. Not outside of it. And you closed it yourself, so you’re the only one with the power to open it again. But what if it has never really been opened? What if you have never learned how to open it ? Then it becomes tricky. Then it is easy to feel like giving up for good. Never even try. Just continue to be on the outside looking in and longing for being on the inside. Just once, just for a moment, so that feeling of being a failure can be sent on its way. But of course it doesn’t happen if you don’t try. You sometimes imagine you don’t have to try. That it will happen anyway. You wish it will because doing the work frightens you too much. And yet while time passes and you don’t try you only feel miserable and put even more locks on that door you want to open. Oh, for sure, there was a moment when it seemed the door was going open and you were able to connect with people for real. But, those moments didn’t last, because you were not able to maintain the level of dedication and effort needed for them to do so. After a while you got tired and you got scared that it wouldn’t last. And because of that they didn’t last. The fear of them ending made you end them so that them ending wouldn’t hurt too much. But it hurt anyway. Not to mention how much worse it made you feel about yourself. So why are you writing this again instead of going out there to solve this and open that door for good ? If you had the answer to that you’d be on your way to collect a Nobel Prize today. The answer is in your head also. But so far you refuse to see it.