My mother needs a new TV set, the old one is not showing the colours properly. She told me earlier tonight. Well there is not much else to write about that.
While I’m on the subject of TVs, I have installed an antenna so I can watch TV on my computer monitor, which is good, I am already watching everything else on the monitor.
Now I feel the need for sleep, since I have been awake a long time and on my toes. Now I can relax. Damn why do I feel so uptight about everything.
Why do I miss her the moment she is gone ? Why do I write it here ? Why do I care?
Tomorrow I must pull myself together and try to be sensible and get on with my life. If I can.
Oh well I need a drink….
And I feel silly and just want to smile.
Even now after knowing the feeling from previous episodes, I am still surprised by it. Surprised I still make the same comments, go through the same moments of total lack of courage and the same moments of euphoria as I have in the past when I’ve been in this situation.
I feel silly.
I feel dumb.
I feel great!
But I don’t want to have to wait …. But I must wait. Must be sensible, normal, and be me. Not easy, not easy at all. Not now. Not when I just want to be somewhere else. Be where she is. Just hear her voice, see her face, be there , be here and if I were I’d probably not be able to speak or move a muscle. Well…. I stopped making sense long ago. Tomorrow I might look at this and want to delete it all. Strange how one always wants to hide emotions from the people who are the ones causing them.
Even worse, why do I find it so strange to be liked for being me? Why do I not just feel good about that and let it be the way it is and take whatever path it will ? Instead always try to write a lot of words about it as if it would become something less or more och different if I do. Or just maybe if I write about it I might finally believe it…. and allow myself to feel good about it, to deserve it. There’s a thought.
Now some music and then sleep. I need it.
I hope I have a good dream and wake up with a smile.
I hope you wake up after a good night’s sleep and have a really good day where everything goes well and make you feel that what you’ve done was worth the effort you put into it.
And if not. You are still the same fine person as always. No matter what.