of being a helpless coward is finally taking its toll on me again. Tonight I was looking forward to a chat with one of my online friends. But once there I started to feel shy and bad about myself the way I do when I have been waiting for something or more often somebody that I like and want to say a lot of things to that person. Instead I find myself not able to say anything for hours. Not knowing why except it is all too much of a good thing. Other times when I am able to relax I’m much better and can handle myself the normal way. All I wish is to not build things up and tear myself down everytime, but I do it over and over again. Thinking differently about it should help but it doesn’t always. Yet I’m not the one to give up easy, it isn’t in my blood to do so. Even if it takes the rest of my life I’ll win this battle against myself.
Another thing : Mondays are not my best days. I know that now.
But today was not all bad. In the end I did manage to chat and it was very nice. Maybe I just need to work on my chatroom skills a bit more. I used to be better at it. And stop being so serious about every little thing I do or say.
Well now I am exhausted.
Of course I know I’m not the only person in the world to ever feel this way sometimes but I can only know how I feel and that’s why I only write about me and not people in general.
Sometimes though, I get tired of myself and I feel bad about feeling bad about myself and about putting myself down. I know I am usually ok and sometimes even good. I know that people like me both online and off and still I can’t help to go on these emotional rollercoaster rides which I shouldn’t considering my Zodiac sign. Normally I should be sensible and reserved and I guess I am those things too. But if I happen to like someone and feel the slightest hint that they might like me too I am a nervous wreck adrift in a sea of emotional chaos. That’s just how it is but I feel better when i try to find words to describe it. However, after a while I find myself back to normal and have no more trouble communicating. Only the first steps are the tricky ones. But it usually is tricky for most, if not all people. I guess.
Ok, I’m off. Nice to have this load off my mind.