Ok, one last shot at this.
I’ll try to be sane and serious and normal this time.
Ok, so this Sunday didn’t turn out exactly like I had wished. Because I didn’t act like I wanted to. I didn’t behave like I should have if I had been my normal self. Today I was not up to my normal standard. I could not find my way out, I locked myself inside my head and started to dig my own grave. Probably, or rather, certainly because I was afraid of being me so that I could be seen as the one I am. I was so afraid of being me I could not face my fear. I did hide behind my silence. What I always do when I feel afraid of being me, when my me fails me. As it does ever so often even when I think I am safe and I’m going to be ok.
Then when I fail, I punish myself. I make me feel even more afraid of being me because I couldn’t be me when I really wanted to be. After punishment comes all the ways of trying to write about the failure so everyone will see how much I have failed at being me. That’s probably not healthy either. After all of that comes the feeling of ok, I deserved to make myself fail, I deserve to be afraid. But I don’t deserve to be normal, happy and able to say what I think and feel to people who matter in any way at all.
Ok, now I’m done. I promise.
Over and Out !