News from the life of me

Latest news.

The past week was a tragedy. Ok, perhaps it’s pathetic to feel sad about the loss of a car but I do. Feel sad. I liked to drive. The car worked very well up until the weekend before last. Then the cold came and first it seemed only the battery needed charging. Then after a few days there was a strange sound coming from the engine. Not all the time but it kept returning and the last day it was there all the time the engine was running. Still I could not imagine it being a serious problem. Not until he car suddenly died. Then it was over.

To repair would cost a lot more than what the car is worth and that’s not an option due to my situation. So, no more driving.

Of course, for many years before I learned to drive I got by with walking, biking and public transportation but it will be hard to adjust back to that now. Being able to drive was freedom  - pure and simple. I will miss that freedom a lot.

Valentine’s Day was on Tuesday. I didn’t get many greetings but a few. Sent out only a few too, and only one card.  In the evening I had some fun seeing a friend for a chat.

On Wednesday I worked from home. Went to get a much-needed hair cut, so now I no longer look like a heavy metal fan or hippie anymore. Now I look like a respectable person.

It snowed a lot on Wednesday so I had some to shovel. Wouldn’t be much of a chore if it weren’t for the pain from my kidney stones. I know I ought to see a doctor about it but I’m still hoping it will be ok by itself somehow.

I know that’s stupid but I still remember how I spent years trying to recover from my leg problems without the doctors being able to do much about it. In the end they healed without any doctor even knowing why and without any help from the treatment.

Today I feel tired and should probably try to be productive and get some of my writing done. Make some effort to solve this limbo I find myself in. I’ve almost spent a year at the office and although I’ve made some results I’m still without employment and not getting any younger. The more time I spend out of work the harder it will be to find someone willing to employ me.

What still gets me to get up in the morning is the feeling of not having any other option than to keep on trying. Keep on living. Keep seeing my few friends and keep hope alive. It gets harder to do though.

In a few weeks there’s a convention in town that I will probably visit. Maybe it will give me some new ideas about how to move forward.

Seems new ideas is what I need the most.

Peace.

 

Look forward

I’m back!

Done some more thinking and decided it’s better to look at the future and live in the present than keep looking back and wish things would have been different.

At the place I am now, I’m actually rather happy with most things. My life is not the best but some parts of it are good. So I will keep my focus on the here and now and continue the struggle to move forward.

It’s a very cold day, or at least the morning was. At the office I have so far managed to get some things done and somehow feel a new surge of energy where recently there was none to be found.

I know who to thank for this. There’s one person who makes me find the will to go on even when I don’t know why I should. It’s not easy to explain how it happens but it does. That’s good enough for me.

Looking forward to the weekend and hope this freezing cold weather will go away eventually.

Peace.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Ok, time has come to update this thing yet again.

New month, lots of news to tell…Well, not much news actually.  Things move along. They do, but not very fast and it’s business as usual mostly. I’m writing and I’m making plans for my project. The days at the office go by rather quick. I have some people there to talk to, have some discussions about things happening. The rest of the time I spend thinking, writing and sometimes just looking out the window. Now and then I take a walk. Apply for some jobs. Wonder what will happen next. Daydream. Think of you. Listen to music, read the news – a lot about art, culture and politics and other topics of interest.

Then I get home and continue to think, dream and write while listening to music. Time is moving too fast and yet it seems to be not moving at all. I should add I also sleep a lot.

Weather has been cold lately. Not a lot of snow but  really cold nights, and cold sunny days. Tonight and tomorrow there might be  a lot of snow coming due to the really cold air moving in from Russia across the Baltic Sea. I hope there won’t be too much snow in my area because it would cause a lot of problems for the public transportation system.

I don’t know what more to write today so this is the end.

One last thing – I want to thank those who read and follow this blog because it always surprise me that anyone would find my writing interesting enough to follow.

Peace.

First snow

The first snow of this Winter fell last night. Not a lot but enough to cover the ground as you can see.

Here’s some words

Evening,

Have no idea what happened to this week. I’ve been busy trying to find out what to do. And I’ve watched some movies, some TV, listened to music through Spotify, eaten and slept.

The days are short, or rather the hours of daylight are few. The days are the same length as always. There’s no snow.  There are reports that there might not be much snow around here this Winter. No snow is ok, but it makes my world very dark. A little snow on the ground would make the world a little brighter. However after the last two very snowy and cold winters I’m happy if this one will be a “green” one. Not much fun for fans of winter sports or for the kids who like to play in the snow but they are mostly playing with video games these days anyway.

I’ve watched a part of William Friedkin‘s Cruising ,but each time I watch it I find it too scary to finish in one sitting. Switched to Loverboy for some nostalgic laughs. That movie still makes me laugh each time I watch it and yet I guess its kind of cheesy even for a 1980′s comedy. Have also watched a bunch of other movies. Home for the Holidays, Carrie, 300, The Accused, Serpico and Road House. All good movies that I have watched more than once but still return to watch again. After studying cinema I’ve learned that watching a movie only once is not enough if you want to claim to really have seen it. Each time I return to watch a movie again I notice things I didn’t see or think of the last time.

Today I got up at around 9:30 and had a nice morning eating breakfast and reading the morning paper. Later my uncle came around to visit. After that I drove my mother to the church to light a candle at my father’s grave. Then we went to the grocery store and after shopping stopped by the local pizza place to order take out pizza for dinner.

After getting back home, I’ve spent the evening relaxing, reading news and looking at Twitter and Tumblr. Maybe I’ll watch another movie or do some more writing after this update is done.

Peace.

Sunny Sunday

Yes. There is a sun shining today. A new day. Another day.

I’ve been feeling drained for a long time now. Like all energy is lost somewhere. Probably it’s the usual winter depression hitting me a bit early. I’ve been outdoors and had fresh air and sunlight but it does not seem to help much. After having finished the  text I’ve been working on for months I’ve kind of lost my focus and now I can’t seem to get back on the tracks to work on the new project.

Also in other parts of my daily life things aren’t too good. My teeth need fixing but I can’t afford it due to my very small income. My stomach pains comes and goes but haven’t gotten worse so I don’t think it’s anything that needs checking. I think it’s all to do with nerves and stress.

To add to the rest I also feel lonely. I used to have a really good friend to talk to about everything but now I don’t. The friends I have now I don’t want to burden with my problems because I always talk too much about problems anyway. Of course I have my brothers to talk to but some things I don’t wish to talk to them about. Same goes for my cousins and my other relatives.

Before, I used to write a lot of blog posts about how I feel and what’s going on but when I read them I notice I seem to write about the same things over and over and that really doesn’t help to solve anything in the long run. So lately I try to avoid writing about my ongoing troubles. Only problem is that these feelings and problems don’t go away just because I avoid to write about them. Instead they seem to grow stronger.

I don’t know what to do. I know that eating too much is not good in the long run but it’s the way I handle stress when I can’t find any other way. It’s an old bad habit of self medication I guess. Not that food is medication but it helps to keep the thoughts and feelings at bay for moment or two.

Masturbation used to help battle stress but that was before I started feeling really depressed. Now I rarely have the mood or energy for it.  Also think that it should be kept at bay a bit anyway. Not that it is a huge part of my daily life. It used to be but that was decades ago. These days I can’t be bothered too often.

I try to get out walking or at least get more air and sun each day but there have been many cloudy and rainy days lately which has not helped.

Music has helped a bit though. I find myself listening to a lot of music each day. The songs I find seem to deal with the same kind of emotions I’m trying to make sense of.

The worst part of this depressed state of mind is to  not get anything done. Have ideas and plans and chores but all I think of is I’ll do it tomorrow. Then tomorrow comes and I say to myself Nah I’ll do it next week. Then next week comes around and I feel guilty for not having done anything so I say Ok, I’ll start tomorrow.

Peace.

Sorry

I don’t know what to write. Well, I do know I would like to turn back time and do yesterday all over again but better. What I did do wasn’t very good at all. Feel like an idiot today. Felt like a party crasher yesterday. Most of all I felt like I should have slept instead. Ok, I did feel ill. I did have a headache and I was really tired but at other times I’ve still managed to behave in a good way. Now I didn’t. Words weren’t coming out right, too slow or not at all. Didn’t know what to say, what to talk about, when to talk or why I felt like I would rather just go away (which I did eventually when I couldn’t stand myself any longer). Yes, I felt inadequate when I wasn’t able to contribute to a good – even great – cause and just have fun and enjoy myself. Usually I can. Usually I’m a better person than this. But I seem to have lost myself lately. That makes me sad. I feel like I am superfluous and would do better to take a step away and think things over. If I can’t do anything good I don’t want to be around because I don’t want to be a boring mood spoiler.

Anyway today I woke up after about four hours of sleep and felt better in one way – my ill feeling was gone and so was the headache – but I feel ashamed of how I couldn’t be a better friend and about my bad behavior.

Maybe I should take a break from everything for a while and see if I can pull myself back together. I don’t really like the idea of going away but maybe it’s the best thing to do. I’ll have to think it over.

Today I went out and did some yard work to clear my head. I might also do some driving for the same reason.

I know I cling too tight to you but letting go is hard. I don’t know what to do.

Another thing bothering me: I ought to see a dentist but I can’t afford any treatment so I don’t go even though I know I should.

Maybe the real reason for all of this sadness I feel is the fact that I don’t see any future for myself in this world. All I got is poverty and dreams. Not much. I didn’t used to worry about it I just kept going but I’ve run out of steam. All the efforts seem to end up taking me nowhere or perhaps I just can’t see where I’m going. I don’t know what’s worse.

And I am nervous about the text I sent to my teacher. Hope it will be good enough but not sure. Wishing I will pass so that I can get my degree. Stress. Also the days are getting shorter and darkness comes early and it’s cold and I’m cold and life feels less happy only because of the time of the year and waiting for a long Winter.

But there’s also light. Family, relatives and friends. Well most of all one friend and you know who you are. Without you I would see no light at all and yet I fail you over and over. I’m useless.

So I’m going to end this here.

Peace.

Life is good

It should be. It could be. It might  be.

Today I woke up from a dream. I don’t know what it was about but it was probably nice. As I got out of bed I felt a pain in my body. I feel that pain almost every minute I’m awake lately. No matter if I walk, stand, sit. Only when I lay down to sleep does it stop, or perhaps I just don’t notice while I sleep. Anyway I know I must go see a doctor about but I haven’t found the  courage yet. I always hope pain will go away eventually. This pain hasn’t.

Seems the car isn’t ready to be used yet. I had hoped to have it back this week but now I don’t know. I only know I really miss driving. A lot.

The last bus ride home this afternoon was murder. Half the bus was full of teenagers. They were very loud and had exactly no manners. If I wasn’t such a coward I would have told them to sit down and shut up but being the mild-mannered forest creature I am, I didn’t. Sometimes I wish I was tough but I’m not.

Anyway, the other bus rides were ok. Much better than the crowded commuter trains in the morning. This morning they were delayed again. I wonder if they’ll run at all when winter comes for real with snow and ice.  Last winter there were a lot of problems with the trains. But last winter I didn’t have to go anywhere. And I had the car to drive.

This winter  I will have to go to the office five days a week. It will be fun. Maybe not.

Today the  government presented next years budget. Not much they had to offer for the unemployed and the poor. But a tax cut for restaurant meals instead. Supposed to be good to create some more jobs but I doubt it. And meals won’t be cheaper. The restaurant owners will earn a bit more money. That’s all.

I’ve soon been out of work for five years with a 6 month employment in 2008 as the only break from poverty and unemployment. Before this unemployment I had my leg problems that lasted more than a year. So life’s been good.

Not that I haven’t tried. I keep trying. I do what I can but the times are tough and I’m looking for a lover who’ll come on in and cover me… No, I’m not much of a bargain. Actually I’m not looking anymore. That time has passed. I’ll have to be happy with the way things are.

This sounds so depressing I think I need to stop writing. Nobody likes bad news and my endless whining.

Next post will be more fun.

Peace.

Too fast

The other day while taking some photos of  flowers in the garden I thought of how fast the seasons change and how short the summer really is here. I’ve never thought of it before the same way but after this winter when there was snow covering the ground from November to late March I have really longed for a long warm summer. Now it seems it won’t be longer than usual.Perhaps two months at the most. Three months if we are really, really lucky then we fall back into darkness and cold and eventually snow.

Spotify provides nice background music when it selects John Mellencamp‘s depressing tune Empty Hands while on auto-shuffle through my playlist.

So I think time is moving too fast. Going faster every year. Or maybe it isn’t. Maybe I’m just too slow.

Anyway A Camp comes next singing about love being stronger than Jesus and how love can kill anyone like a shotgun…. Not a very promising proposition. And yet, without love what have I got left ?

 

Nothing much

Happened to type a few words. Nothing special. I did have some idea for a post but I’m saving it for later. Will have to do some research before I write that one, so that I will get all the facts of the matter. In any case it will be up soon enough unless I feel like being lazy.

Saturday so far has been a calm, quiet day. A bit windy and not very sunny weather but no more rain – yet. Had made some plans for things to do but as usual I started doing something else instead. Not good. But time has passed anyway. It seems to do that pretty fast lately, or maybe I’m just getting older. Don’t know.

Listening to old Bruce Springsteen recordings while I write to keep me in the mood or maybe in order to find out what mood I’m in.

Later I will probably fall asleep early as I seem to do all the time since I started at the office. Of course I also wake up rather early. Around 5 am most mornings. Probably has to do with the sun coming up early and shining through my bedroom window.

I’m not in chatrooms as often as I used to. Not many people around I feel like talking to. Mostly I lurk in the shadows or spend my time on Twitter or Tumblr. How fast things change. I remember little over a month ago I spent nights and days in chatrooms, talking, laughing and having fun. Would be easy to say I miss those times but I know that all good things have to come to an end before they come around again.

Anyway spring is here and summer will be next. I’m so happy the snow is gone for some months now.  Been hard to have snow and cold weather from November and all through March. Glad that the backbreaking shoveling is done. Still now I have to start to take pills to fight my allergy. Can’t stand grass and lots of other  things. And this time of year we have to avoid getting too much sun due to the UV-radiation and after having spent a long winter without much sunlight at all that’s not easy.

I guess life is never good enough or only good or whatever. Still I feel better about life this April than last April, even though nothing has changed. Except perhaps making a new friend and finding a place to be at that makes me feel better about myself and helps me keep a positive outlook on life. Reason enough to be thankful, I’d say.

Thanks.