Last Wednesday of May

Here I go again on my own

Had not planned to write today. Had other plans. However, sometimes I feel the need to vent a little. Outside of any schedules. Since I don’t have a schedule for this blog everything happens at random anyway.

So last night I had trouble sleeping. Rather I fell asleep but woke up shortly after only to fall asleep again. This happened a few times and then at around 6 am, I could no longer fall asleep again. I wanted to but I couldn’t. Tossed and turned for about one more hour, then got up.

Decided to make it a work at home day since I knew I would be tired all day anyway from lack of proper sleep. Started doing some office related stuff and some other things I should have done ages ago. Then took a break to do some laundry and go say Hi in a chat room.

After all that I returned to writing and suddenly had an urge to write this, just because I feel like writing about this day. The last Wednesday of May 2012. Another day that will never return. Another day lived through. One more day behind the cart, one less in front of it.

Late last night I watched a Dennis Miller HBO Special from the early 1990′s that I happened to stumble upon. I found it rather funny even though some references were a bit difficult to grasp for me as a foreigner and as such unfamiliar with some aspects of US society and culture.

Yesterday I was also reminded of my last po’ boy in New Orleans. It was in 1995 and I remember it being a tasty roast beef one from some place with a lot of locals in it. Wonder when I’ll ever have another one.

Read about a new book  in which the author claims that love is not about feelings at all, instead it is an act of will. I do not agree. To me love is about giving, a feeling of wanting to give without asking for or expecting anything in return. However, I could be wrong but that’s how I see it.

The weather is not as great as last week but still ok. Cloudy, a bit windy, kind of cold and some rain on the way. Rather normal for a Swedish summer.

Bump

The road ahead I know nothing about.

Even though I know that old people tend to have health problems, the news today that my mother has suffered a  mild cerebral hemorrhage hit me very hard. I have tried to be prepared for the day when my mother will pass away but I find it hard to prepare for such a thing. Still I know that it will happen one day, it’s inevitable. A part of life.

When my father died 17  years ago I wasn’t prepared at all. It was by far the worst days of my life so far. After that I’ve suffered other things that have been hard to deal with but the pain and sorrow of losing a parent is still the worst I can imagine. I’ve heard people say that losing a child is worse but since I’m not a parent myself I can’t really relate to that even though I can imagine it must be very painful.

While writing this I think that this will make me look like a weak and whiny type of person, but so be it. I am filled with fear of losing my mother because she’s my only living parent. Of course I know that life will go on without her among us, but I still wish that day would never come. Just as I wished the same while my father was alive.

And yes, I know I’m supposed to leave my parents and live my own life. Still, I would like to have my parents alive and around even if I’m independent and on my own.  I love my parents and I don’t think that means I’m not able to stand on my own two feet.

These are my thoughts at the moment which makes this update slightly unfocused but I hope it won’t seem totally confused.  I will probably edit this later.

Spring 2012

Some garden pics from yesterday.

Not again

Another one bites the dust. Another one rides the bus.

Not again.

No, not again. I promise I won’t write another update about how I’m feeling right now. There’s been too many of those. Too much emotional drama. Too much loneliness, too many thoughts of You and too much missing you. Still those feelings will remain but I can see that the average reader of this blog will not tolerate too much of the same thing over and over.

Also, I need to find my smile and be a little more relaxed.  So I’m going to write a post that will make the world laugh. It’s coming up right above this one.  For now, all I can say is this. It’s Wednesday morning and I’m feeling slightly ill.

Have a a good day everyone and be well!

 

Last day of February

Today is February 29, a day that does not come along too often. So, in order to remember it, I decided to type some kind of update.  Not really sure what else to write. There’s not a whole lot going on. I miss driving. I feel rather under the weather and I’m in pain too often.

At the office I don’t produce anything of lasting value lately. I see time slipping away and most days I don’t give a damn anymore.  Probably I will get back on my feet eventually but right now I am not. And I don’t really care.

Life is the way it is.

At least the weather is good. Sunny and almost warm.

New hair Wednesday!

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Ok, time has come to update this thing yet again.

New month, lots of news to tell…Well, not much news actually.  Things move along. They do, but not very fast and it’s business as usual mostly. I’m writing and I’m making plans for my project. The days at the office go by rather quick. I have some people there to talk to, have some discussions about things happening. The rest of the time I spend thinking, writing and sometimes just looking out the window. Now and then I take a walk. Apply for some jobs. Wonder what will happen next. Daydream. Think of you. Listen to music, read the news – a lot about art, culture and politics and other topics of interest.

Then I get home and continue to think, dream and write while listening to music. Time is moving too fast and yet it seems to be not moving at all. I should add I also sleep a lot.

Weather has been cold lately. Not a lot of snow but  really cold nights, and cold sunny days. Tonight and tomorrow there might be  a lot of snow coming due to the really cold air moving in from Russia across the Baltic Sea. I hope there won’t be too much snow in my area because it would cause a lot of problems for the public transportation system.

I don’t know what more to write today so this is the end.

One last thing – I want to thank those who read and follow this blog because it always surprise me that anyone would find my writing interesting enough to follow.

Peace.

Last night was a fun night

After all the turmoil I’ve worked my way through during the beginning of the week it was a relief to have a really fun Wednesday evening and night. I enjoyed it a lot.

To go to the chat room of my friend and have some good conversation and fun was just what I needed and it made me very happy to be able to be the kind of friend I always try to be. Being able to contribute to the fun and have a good feeling and not have to think too much about anything. Very relaxing.

Even if I didn’t get more than two hours sleep in the morning and was late to get going to the office, I don’t mind, it was worth it to be awake all night. All day today, I’ve been   feeling  good and had  a smile on my face.

Peace.

Enough of this

OK. Time to take a deep breath and relax. I’ve been like a wreck for two days now, more or less. What started it I’m not sure of. Some small reminder of  low self-esteem or something. The usual suspects. Last week I was feeling so good about life. Actually, I went into the weekend feeling good about most things except some small problems I have yet to solve. Then I don’t know what happened. I let myself run wild with imagination and fear. My old faults came back to haunt me once more. Thinking about it today I see how I have been this way before and how I manage to behave so much like a child. I like to see myself in control of my feelings and my thoughts. Someone who thinks before speaking but these past days I’ve been both silently sad and angry and also speaking my mind without thought. Now I most of all wish I could go back and change everything for the better. I also wish I could learn to not do this again and again. I also wish I could stop taking myself so seriously. I wish I was better at everything to do with other people, but I can’t seem to learn. Somehow I think I’m fine and then I fall down again and have to start over.

Probably I’m in the wrong place looking for the wrong things instead of just enjoying myself. I was reading about it at a forum last evening. Before I thought that idea was wrong but now I’m beginning to see that I’ve been wrong and that idea is the right way to handle it. My approach from the start wasn’t what it might seem like but I allowed it to become what it shouldn’t have and I know that is a part of my problem. However being who I am and feeling the way I do I can’t change just because I can see its wrong in this situation. Too late to rewind the tape and start over. What I can do and must really try to do better is to deal with it in a responsible and sensible manner from now on.  No more of this foolishness. I have promised myself this before and I’ve not been able to keep it but I will do my best once more.

What makes me sad is that this probably won’t make any sense to anyone except me but I really don’t know how to describe it in a better way. All I really want is to put my sadness behind me along with my depressive state of mind and return to my normal way of being. I like myself better that way but I know my dark feelings and thoughts are also a part of who I am. Only not the big part and not the part I want others to see. Makes no sense.

How about I stop whining and pity myself and start looking out instead of in? Good idea, I think I will do that. Maybe I’ll be able to smile and be of some good for somebody instead.

Trust. That seems to be hard to learn to do. I have to learn, I thought I had but I prove to myself time and time again that I haven’t.

Peace out.

 

Wednesday words

Yes it’s me again. I can’t help it. I have to write. What about, I don’t know. Something or other. I’ve done a lot of writing today. Also did a lot of laundry and some other chores and helped my mother do some shopping and did look for some jobs but without much luck. However, I am not giving up. Someday I’m going to get out of this situation I’m in. Someday I will get myself out of this. Somehow. I’m working on it.

I’m not spending much time at the chatrooms lately. I have started watching movies and TV series instead. One can say I’m taking a break from the cam/chat scene. Been a lot of it for many years now and I think I should take it easy for some time. See if I can find some other things to do in my spare time. Not that I don’t have fun when I chat but I still like to rest now and then and in the past I used to be at more than one place and for the past two years I’ve only been at one place and it starts to get a bit too much.  Also I’ve lost track of many nice people I used to chat to from time to time. Some have left the business some are just gone anyway and others are not around a lot but I still see them when they are. Things change and people change and that’s just how it is.

Today has been a regular Wednesday. Nothing much to say about it. Been watching TV this evening and some episodes of NYPD Blue on dvd. I wonder why I didn’t watch that show while it was new. I guess I never got into it as much as I did Hill Street Blues and L.A. Law but now I find it interesting enough to watch. I’m probably a bit behind the times when it comes to TV shows.

Well I will watch some more and then get to sleep. Another day at the office tomorrow.

Peace.