Hell

Yesterday I made a field trip to hell.  Not sure what I’m on about? I’ll tell you.

I got on the bus. I travelled for a long time. Got off at the wrong stop, then walked around looking for the place where I was supposed to be for a long time before finding it only a short distance from the bus stop but across street and in the opposite direction.

By this time I was in pain from my stomach and could hardly walk the last few steps to the entrance of the building. When I got inside the door, I found an empty chair and sat down.

Now began what seemed like an endless time of waiting.  Waiting for a very short general information about the company that was recruiting new employees this day. Then  an even longer time of waiting began for my name to be called so that a short interview could take place. When that finally happened I was more than happy to leave the whole thing behind and travel back to the real world.

It did feel like a visit to hell because of two things:

1) the pain I was in for most of the time I was there

2) the lack of discipline among those attending and the unorganized method by which the meeting was executed.

However I could add this meeting/recruitment/interview to my list of job applications made this month. Perhaps I will have some luck with this one in the end.

The week in review

Hello, it’s me again.

This week has been a very strange one. No, not really.

Started out with a Monday full of pain and agony and boredom, followed by more of the same on Tuesday. Then by Wednesday the pain seemed to fade away and by Thursday and Friday it’s all gone. A miracle. Some of the boredom remains though.

I am still happy to have one less thing to worry about. Being able to do things without being in pain is a good thing. If only the rest of my troubles could be fixed I’d be in great shape.

But, in order to fix those I’d have to do a lot of work on myself. As if I haven’t already. If there’s anything I do, it’s question myself. Could I do better, should I have done this instead of that, said that instead of this, said less, said more, done it a different way? It never stops, the questions I keep asking myself. On top of that the eternal worry: what good am I? Am I good enough? How will I know and how can I be sure? How can I trust it to be true? Questions, questions and more questions. Sometimes I wish I could stop and just be. A few times I do manage to do that and it feels really good. But sooner or later the questions are back, in force.

I could have gone to a birthday party yesterday but I was not in the mood so I didn’t go. Maybe I should have anyway. Then again, I was glad I didn’t go because there was heavy raining in the evening and by staying home I didn’t have to go out in the bad weather. Being at home alone wasn’t that great though.

I had planned to get some chores done, and then watch a movie and have some fun before watching the Swedish Song Contest final on TV. Didn’t do any of that except watch TV.  Oh, and I watched some nude pics of women and masturbated but I wouldn’t say it was much fun or exciting, more like a way to pass some time. Sometimes it works that way. Some of  you might know what I’m talking about. If you don’t, don’t worry – in time you’ll know too.

The best part of Saturday was the food. I had some very nice and tasty vegetable soup which actually made me feel really good for a while. Food works that way sometimes. I’m sure most of you know that by now. And if there are any of you who don’t – don’t worry you’ll find out.

So anyway, half the week was trying to function while in pain and the second half was suddenly trying to grasp that the pain is gone and start living a full life again. Interesting times, no doubt.

Now, if it only was possible to go back in time and change some things, I’d be really happy. Instead I’ll have to make do with the way things really are and the way they will be tomorrow.

Don’t give up. Not saying I am, but I do know when it’s time to let it be. Stand back. Take a break, breathe and see what happens next.  Maybe get rid of that annoying anxiety that keep getting in the way. Just maybe. Can I do that? Got no other options, so I have to.

Been watching a lot of movies this week, and also some other things. Feels good to be back to watching movies but I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t say I’d rather be doing other things for some of the time at least.

Spring is here though, the light is back, the sun is warmer and nature is waking up from the winter sleep. I have trouble sleeping, I keep waking up. Sometimes from nightmares and sometimes from not being able to stop thinking a lot. Mostly I think of You and the good dreams are all about You too. The nightmares are about other things and bad enough to wake me up scared and almost screaming in terror.

Time passes quickly.

I’ve been at the office for a year now. Made some progress, managed to finish my studies and got started on a new project. But finding a job seems to be almost impossible. I keep trying, I keep thinking of ways to move forward but while I had the pain from my kidney I could hardly find any energy to focus on the work to be done. It was all consumed by standing the pain. Anyway life goes on and as long as I’m still alive I have to keep trying to make a life for myself.  Many years have passed since I was really happy and felt at ease but I keep thinking that life will take a turn for the better if I keep working on it. Otherwise, I’m fucked.

I do apologize for this long messy piece of text. Suddenly I seem to want to fit every thought into one single update.

Time to end this one now.

Peace.

What’s new in Moonieland?

Ok, time to update on what goes on in the real world of MoonieZ, that is the world outside my head. I know what goes on inside my head. An awful lot of dreaming, mostly about one certain  individual. Very nice dreams and very innocent and pure too, I assure you.

No time to waste. Even though time is something I seem to have a lot of. Maybe time is all I’ve got. Lately I feel like time is running out, though.

WORK  Still nothing new to report. I have applied for a bunch of jobs recently but still haven’t had any word back. I’m working on finding work though. That’s been my “job” for years now.

OFFICE Yes I spend most days at the office along with thirty other people in the same unemployed situation. There I’m working on projects that are supposed to help me get a real job. So far I’ve managed to finish my long overdue bachelor’s degree by writing one small paper that was missing from one of the classes I had taken. It feels good to have got it all done. Remains to be seen what use I can make of having a bachelor’s degree in Cultural Studies and Cinema in my search for a new job. My next project involves blogging and it might also branch out to involve the writing of a book. Time will tell.

MONEY Still paying off debts. The little I have left keeps the roof over my head and food on my table but not much else. However I’m happy to be able to live. That I don’t have much of a life is another matter. It’s all my own fault anyway.

FRIENDS Yes I have some friends. Thanks to the internet I’m not all alone. Well, I used to have friends before the internet too but I still like my internet friends. One of them I don’t see anymore and it has been hard to accept but I’ve moved on. Luckily the friends I still see are really nice and they are all people I care about. One of them I have to admit I really care a lot about. Probably too much at times.

FAMILY I have my mother and my brothers, my uncles and my aunts. My nieces and nephews and my cousins. Family is important and without them I’d be lost.

HEALTH I’m not too ill. Haven’t got much of a stamina though and always think I ought to exercise more but can’t seem to get started. Probably suffer from kidney stones and can’t afford to have my teeth fixed but generally I’m feeling ok. Starting to put on weight again which is not good though. I was glad to have lost some so I’ll just have to start watching how much I eat again. Not always easy as food is one of the few pleasures my life still has left to offer. I know that food has often worked as a substitute for things I want and need in my life but can’t seem to get or have much of. Like love, affection, physical contact, sex.

LOVE  No comment.

FUTURE  Do hope I have a future. The hope of a better tomorrow is what keeps me going.

 

Get a job

I know I must but sometimes I feel like this too when people around me make it all seem so easy without having ever walked even an inch in my shoes.

Life is good

It should be. It could be. It might  be.

Today I woke up from a dream. I don’t know what it was about but it was probably nice. As I got out of bed I felt a pain in my body. I feel that pain almost every minute I’m awake lately. No matter if I walk, stand, sit. Only when I lay down to sleep does it stop, or perhaps I just don’t notice while I sleep. Anyway I know I must go see a doctor about but I haven’t found the  courage yet. I always hope pain will go away eventually. This pain hasn’t.

Seems the car isn’t ready to be used yet. I had hoped to have it back this week but now I don’t know. I only know I really miss driving. A lot.

The last bus ride home this afternoon was murder. Half the bus was full of teenagers. They were very loud and had exactly no manners. If I wasn’t such a coward I would have told them to sit down and shut up but being the mild-mannered forest creature I am, I didn’t. Sometimes I wish I was tough but I’m not.

Anyway, the other bus rides were ok. Much better than the crowded commuter trains in the morning. This morning they were delayed again. I wonder if they’ll run at all when winter comes for real with snow and ice.  Last winter there were a lot of problems with the trains. But last winter I didn’t have to go anywhere. And I had the car to drive.

This winter  I will have to go to the office five days a week. It will be fun. Maybe not.

Today the  government presented next years budget. Not much they had to offer for the unemployed and the poor. But a tax cut for restaurant meals instead. Supposed to be good to create some more jobs but I doubt it. And meals won’t be cheaper. The restaurant owners will earn a bit more money. That’s all.

I’ve soon been out of work for five years with a 6 month employment in 2008 as the only break from poverty and unemployment. Before this unemployment I had my leg problems that lasted more than a year. So life’s been good.

Not that I haven’t tried. I keep trying. I do what I can but the times are tough and I’m looking for a lover who’ll come on in and cover me… No, I’m not much of a bargain. Actually I’m not looking anymore. That time has passed. I’ll have to be happy with the way things are.

This sounds so depressing I think I need to stop writing. Nobody likes bad news and my endless whining.

Next post will be more fun.

Peace.

The week that was

Been another week on the rollercoaster we call life. Ok, maybe I’m the only one to call life a rollercoaster but be that as it may.

It started out ok this week. I remember Monday being a good day. My text looked almost all done. It only needed a little fixing. Then Friday came along and it needed more than a little fixing. It goes up and it goes down but it never stops to surprise.

Life outside of the office has been maybe less of a bumpy ride but not less surprising. Not by far. Been having some arguments with my mother. Not happy about it but it’s a part of life I guess.

The best part of the week has been the conversations with friends and with one of them in particular. You know who you are.

Worst part of the week is to be poor. Too poor. Always too poor. Almost not able to buy food, yet always looking for the really cheap stuff at the supermarket.

Not fun to find out that less than two months from now I’ve been unemployed for almost 5 years. Only break of employment being 6 months in the spring of 2008. This has got to change soon. I’m working on it to happen.

Well there’s a Saturday evening and a Sunday still left of this week. Will be interesting to see what will happen. I will be at home for the most part, having no money and no places to go.

Next week starts with a birthday. My birthday. I wonder how that will be.

Peace.

A new post

Hello,

It’s me again. Not sure you still remember me but I used to blog a lot in the past. Now I only blog a few times a month again. Seems I lost the edge. Got nothing much to write about. I’ve already written about my life, my childhood, my growing up, my writing, my travels and my interests. Also I’ve written a lot about my emotions and my depressions. Not much left. Have also written about my unemployment, my past health problems and my poverty. On top of all that I’ve also tried to be funny from time to time and even tried my hand at writing poetry. Last but not least I’ve written about my chat site experiences. What’s left to tell? I have no idea. Wish I could think of something good so I could get this blog going again. Now it’s dead.

Almost dead. From time to time I make an effort and come up with something but usually not much. I’ll keep writing though and hope I’ll find my way back.

Peace.

Books

Been reading some books. Have some more lined up to get started on. I haven’t read this much for a long time but I kind of like it. Reading books is a good way to pass some time during these warm summer days when most things seem to slow down.

The books I’m reading are Something Borrowed, Eat Pray Love and the Harry Potter series. Also have one or two more after I’m done with those.

I’m going to use these books for my writing project at the office, so it’s a win-win deal for me. Now I only hope I will get the writing going so that I can make something happen and maybe even get my life going again. Wouldn’t be a day too soon.

The years keep adding up. I’ve been out of work for more than 4 years if I add all the time up. Except for 6 months in 2008 I’ve only been job searching and not much else. Well I’ve learned to drive of course but that’s about all. And last year I learned to drive forklifts.

And all of this I’ve already written too many times. That’s it. I’ve started to repeat myself. About time to stop writing until I can write something new. Not much fun for my readers to only read the same old things over and over.

Maybe I’ll be returning with some reviews of the books I’ve read. That would be something new at least.

Peace.

Wednesday July 20

Hello,

I’m back at it again. Sorry to disappoint those who thought I’d never return to this blog again. There has been times when I’ve considered deleting this project but it would be like deleting six years of my life. What good would that do? I don’t know. I only know I used to write a lot more on here. Used to. When I had ideas and the urge to play around with words. These days I have the urge to tweet. And I do. Most of the word play goes on @ Twitter and @ Tumblr I have most of my picture playing around. Also some video posting and the posting of whatever else I find around the net worth sharing with my readers.

This blog was supposed to be about my life. Lately I haven’t had much to write about. It hadn’t stopped me before, I know, but now I don’t see the point in posting yet another lament about my fruitless search for employment or about my fruitless attempts at finding love… I could write another post about my growing up but I think I’ve covered most of that ground many times over. Also I’ve written enough about my attempts at being a writer. There is nothing  I can think of to write that would not seem old and used. So I think this means the end of this post.

Until we meet again: Peace.

Sunday morning

Nothing special. Just another day.

Sometimes I start to think why I still bother with some things. Like the writing I have been struggling with for months now and still haven’t reached the end of. Why do I bother? Well I have this hope that it might be way to something better if I can only get it done. So I keep on working on it to reach my goal and find out if it indeed will be the first step to a better tomorrow.

There are other things I do even though my inner voice sometimes tell me it is useless to go on, that it is already too late and that I would be better off if I simply let it be. However, I can’t stop, not yet. I’m not ready to give it up. Not ready to face the pain of another failure. So I hold on to hope. That one more day will be what it takes to turn the ship around and maybe reach the destination. Even though the facts are against me. What else is there? Not much.

Woke up early this morning. Have slept rather long for a change. Feel kind of alone in the world and have time to think things over one more time. Not that it helps much.

When I look at the future I see more of the same problems I already have. I see no end to things I want to change for the better but seem unable to even start.

I’ve had a dream for a while. Once I even believed it could be something more than a dream but lately it has faded and now I have abandoned it. Not without resistance but still I had to let it go. It wasn’t for me. It has never been for me to have a dream come true. I guess I’m not the kind who has that kind of luck or ability or whatever it takes to get there.

I can accept that. I have to accept it since the reality of matters are what they are. But I can’t deny that it hurts to do so. On the other hand – pain is nothing new to me. I’ve had enough of it in my life and still I’m getting more of it. Did I bring it on myself? I must have. Some of it I probably did.

But I guess some are made to suffer and others are made to be happy. It’s the way of the world, the law of the land, nothing to do about it.

Anyway, I will continue to do what I can to be good to others and maybe one day I’ll be happy too.

I know I should just laugh it all off and keep a my sense of humor. Have a positive attitude and all that but show me somebody who can keep smiling through every kind of challenge or in the face of the most severe adversity and I will tell you they are faking it. I don’t want to fake anything or hide myself so I will tell the world that I can’t smile and be happy about things that hurt . Sure, I’ve heard I can choose how to feel about everything but even though I try not to feel sad about certain things I still do. I guess it’s because I care about it enough to feel anything at all.

This Sunday will probably be like the others. Then a new week at the office awaits. I am glad to be there working away at things I can have some control over myself and perhaps that will help me forget some things for a while.

When I started there I had a lot of hope that I would be getting out of my unemployment fast. It seemed the projects I would involve myself in had the potential to lead me to a job, and even to a job I would really like. Not without hard work but anyway that’s what I hoped. Now I’m twenty weeks in and it seems things aren’t moving as I thought they would but it’s all up to me to change that. Just find it hard to find the energy to go on sometimes. When there’s not enough light at the other end of the tunnel I get this feeling it’s better to give up and not do anything. Usually I snap out of that pretty fast but not lately. That feeling of uselessness clings to me even when I try to shake it off.  I’ve been applying for a lot of jobs and they say the market for employment is growing again but so far I’ve had no luck at all. I keep trying because it’s all I can do but I often ask myself what’s the use?

My old internet friend has not replied to my last email and it seems she won’t. I guess that it means we’re going our separate ways at last. Will still be friends but I guess not active friends anymore. Another loss that hurts a bit even though I’ve seen it coming or sensed it would happen due to her situation and mine as well.  Still to not have the close friendship that once was is hard to accept.

There are other things happening recently I don’t understand too but I’ve finished talking about them because nothing will change if I go on whining anyway.

When I read this post back I see it is kind of depressive and sad all over but since that’s how my life looks at the moment I can’t really write it any other way and still be true to myself.

Even though things aren’t good right now I haven’t given up all hope yet. I still have my will to be a good friend and to do what I can to make things better for others and for me.

After all, tomorrow is another day, and all I can do is go on living no matter how it feels.

But I understand why the clown is crying behind the smiling mask.

Peace.