Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Yesterday, or perhaps the day before, I almost wrote something stupid on this blog. Again. However, after almost finishing the post I realized it would not do any good to publish it. Also, it was below my usual standards.

The topic was webcam chat sites and what happens there. I decided I’ve written enough about this topic and my views remain the same as last time I wrote something about the subject. However, recently I have been thinking about my many years spent dealing with this subject and the various experiences I’ve had.

What once started out of curiosity and as a way to pass some time, became a way of life over time. For some years it was even an obsession. Leading to many different results both good and bad. I wouldn’t want to be without this experience but the last few months I have been feeling it’s time to move on. In a way I already have. I spend much less time at the site now. I have other things to do in my spare time. Much of the change can be found in the fact that I have very few people to talk to at the site and that the times when I do are few and far between. I’m no longer looking to get to know any new people as I don’t feel like it and don’t know  why I would want to. The people I still know are good enough to keep in touch with. In the years past I often looked for new people to talk to and sometimes I found new friends online. I was a different person then. I was more outgoing, felt more safe and secure in my life and I had a better income. All in all, I found it easy and fun and didn’t have too many things to worry about. What I did have to worry about were enough but in those days I could forget my problems and have fun while being in chatrooms. Now I find myself having trouble to let go of my problems and enjoy myself. I don’t even know what to talk about most of the time. I wish I could find my way back to the easygoing and fun guy I used to be. I know that the person I am now is not the way I really am or want to be. I just can’t shake the uneasy feeling I have.

So many things keep going wrong that I have almost lost all confidence and become very nervous and scared. This makes me less interested in sticking my neck out and making myself noticed. I prefer to hide away in the shadows. Not a good method but that’s how it is.

Maybe things will change when summer comes along. I don’t know. I only know I feel like giving up on everything and just go away and live my life in some far away cave.

This was supposed to be a positive update but I guess it will have to wait until I write another one.

Sorry, I wish I could be a better entertainer.

Peace.

News from the life of me

Latest news.

The past week was a tragedy. Ok, perhaps it’s pathetic to feel sad about the loss of a car but I do. Feel sad. I liked to drive. The car worked very well up until the weekend before last. Then the cold came and first it seemed only the battery needed charging. Then after a few days there was a strange sound coming from the engine. Not all the time but it kept returning and the last day it was there all the time the engine was running. Still I could not imagine it being a serious problem. Not until he car suddenly died. Then it was over.

To repair would cost a lot more than what the car is worth and that’s not an option due to my situation. So, no more driving.

Of course, for many years before I learned to drive I got by with walking, biking and public transportation but it will be hard to adjust back to that now. Being able to drive was freedom  - pure and simple. I will miss that freedom a lot.

Valentine’s Day was on Tuesday. I didn’t get many greetings but a few. Sent out only a few too, and only one card.  In the evening I had some fun seeing a friend for a chat.

On Wednesday I worked from home. Went to get a much-needed hair cut, so now I no longer look like a heavy metal fan or hippie anymore. Now I look like a respectable person.

It snowed a lot on Wednesday so I had some to shovel. Wouldn’t be much of a chore if it weren’t for the pain from my kidney stones. I know I ought to see a doctor about it but I’m still hoping it will be ok by itself somehow.

I know that’s stupid but I still remember how I spent years trying to recover from my leg problems without the doctors being able to do much about it. In the end they healed without any doctor even knowing why and without any help from the treatment.

Today I feel tired and should probably try to be productive and get some of my writing done. Make some effort to solve this limbo I find myself in. I’ve almost spent a year at the office and although I’ve made some results I’m still without employment and not getting any younger. The more time I spend out of work the harder it will be to find someone willing to employ me.

What still gets me to get up in the morning is the feeling of not having any other option than to keep on trying. Keep on living. Keep seeing my few friends and keep hope alive. It gets harder to do though.

In a few weeks there’s a convention in town that I will probably visit. Maybe it will give me some new ideas about how to move forward.

Seems new ideas is what I need the most.

Peace.

 

Happy Birthday, brother!

It’s Tuesday today. Not just any Tuesday. Today is this guy’s birthday. Who?  The guy playing the drums. Who is he? He’s my older brother. 

Give up

I should give up trying to understand. It only makes my head spin. Too much thinking is dangerous. Too much hung up on things is dangerous. Too much hung up on people is dangerous. Sometimes I wish learning wasn’t always taking the hard way. Just for once I’d like to be wise before having to learn the lesson. No such luck. Not for me. The epic fail.

Right. This means I’ll just stop being floored and start dealing out what I get. Which will probably not be wise but perhaps better in the long run. So beware world, you have been warned. Next time there’ll be no warning.

What I’m on about? I’m in a bad mood and I’m tired of trying to laugh it off or hide it.  Sometimes I do get to feeling bad, sad and mad all at the same time. Sometimes I have reasons sometimes not. I’m only human. I’m not perfect. Not even a perfect fool. I think and I feel and I sometimes get it wrong and sometimes I go over the top.  Nothing new here, nothing to see. Move along.

I’ve spent the morning working on the links section of this blog.  Some were dead and needed to be removed and I also added a bunch of new ones. Mostly from my follow list at Tumblr. Got nothing better to do since the world seems to have gone quiet all of a sudden. The first snow came during the night but I hope it melts away. I still remember last winter, it was horrible. Too much snow and too cold.

Yesterday afternoon while on the bus home from the office I listened to some American  girl sitting in the seat behind me talking on her cell . Saying to whoever she was talking to that its really dark here (in Sweden) and no snow (which was true at that moment). Sounded like she envied the person at the other end who seemed to have snow at their location. She even asked what kind it was. I thought be careful what you wish for because you might get it and more. Anyway it was kind of interesting to listen to her talking. Not too often I hear English with an American accent being spoken on a bus over here. Mostly I’ll hear a word or two of English when the foreign college students ride the bus that stops by the local college. Also this girl’s voice reminded me of someone I happen to know from the internet world.  So, I guess I did start to drift away to daydreaming. Not much else to do on a commuter bus going along a country road in the dark. Usually I sleep or at least try to nap a bit but it is often a bit bumpy so I only sleep for about a minute at a time.

Well, as I’m working from home today due to the office being closed for reasons unknown I will probably be doing some writing. Might go out for a bit. Not sure. Have no place I’d like to go and no money to spend. Probably I’ll end up watching old movies and being bored. Of course I’ll be reading tweets and looking at Tumblr off and on but I do that every day. Then there are some chores I need to tend to. Some washing and cleaning and such.

The idea for this post was something but I can’t remember what. It turned out to be about a lot of random stuff. Next time I’ll do better.  I hope.

Peace.

This is Tuesday

Tuesday speaking. Just had a word from Monday, said it won’t be around until next week. So, I guess you are stuck with little old me. I know, it sucks but life can’t only be Fridays or Saturdays or whatever your preference might be. There has to be some room for Tuesdays too. Now, I know, we don’t amount to a hell of a lot. Mostly you just pass through us on your way to the greener pastures of Friday and Saturday but hey, here’s a secret, they’re just days of the week too, believe it or not they’re just the same as me and my buddy Monday. However most of you don’t seem to notice us and when you do you want to forget us. Or get rid of us. Even Wednesday and Thursday are more popular. They almost get to hang with the cool kids so they usually don’t want us to tag along. Being a Tuesday is no piece of cake. Sometimes I wish I was a Friday too or that Friday was a Tuesday so that I would get to be cool instead. I know jealousy is not very attractive so I try not to think about how much I’d like to be Friday, instead I focus on the fact that without me Monday would be very lonely just like poor Sunday who’s all alone at the end of the week. Not cool enough to hang with Saturday and Friday and not dull enough to be seen with losers like me and Monday. It must suck to be Sunday too. At least it must be a bit lonely to always be the day when everyone’s resting up after two wild nights of partying and mayhem.

Now before I start to sound all negative, I’ll sign off.

Peace.

Out of place

Nothing works.

I had made an appointment to get the tires changed on the car, but the place I went to couldn’t fix it. Have to go to another place. Not sure where to go  as it is not my car. Anyway today didn’t work out the way I thought. Lately very little seems to work out the way I plan. I have the feeling of being in the wrong place, out of place. Not sure about where I fit in. Never have been sure. Most of my life I’ve been out of place. Most of my life has been a struggle to find out where I belong. Haven’t really found out yet.

Looked for jobs today too. Found three or four ones that could maybe be interesting for me to apply for. Maybe jobs I could actually be able to do if the employer would decide to give me a chance. Anyway I’ve also done some chores around the home and written some texts for this blog. Now I’m spending a few hours relaxing before going to sleep again. Tomorrow another day at the office awaits.

I guess that’s all folks!

Tuesday text

I just came. I know it’s not the way to start  a blog post when you are a guy. Maybe if you are a girl. I don’t even know if it would be the way to end a post but its a fact.  I did.

After three hours of sleep I woke up feeling horny and since I had a good reason to feel that way I thought I might as well do something about it so I did. I went on a date with my hand.

Ok, I’ll save you the details of this encounter and just say it was a pleasure. Did I think of something or someone while I… ? You said no details. Yes, I know,  but I did have someone on my mind.

Now I feel ready to get on with my day. I have a lot to do but I’m sure I will be able to do it if I only take it easy.

Peace.

10 years down the road

It’s been 10 years of going to cam sites. Ten years of chatting away the days and nights…Well, some afternoons, some evenings, some mornings and some nights. Last year or two a lot of nights in fact. Not saying I regret spending all this time. I’ve had loads of fun and I’ve enjoyed getting to know some very nice people. Across the internet. Often I’ve thought of what I would have been doing all these years if there had been no internet. Would I have ventured out in the “real” world and spent as much time talking to and getting to know people? Probably not. And they wouldn’t have been the same people. Maybe a few would still have been from other parts of the world but most wouldn’t have been. That’s why I prefer the internet and the chat rooms. The world seems to be closer and I’ve learned a lot about the world that I could not have learned without the internet unless I had done a lot more travelling.

My latest chat though I wasn’t really feeling too good. I did have a headache but it wasn’t the only reason for me leaving earlier then usual. Even before the night was over. The reason I didn’t mention was that I felt sad and depressed and didn’t want to ruin anybody’s fun. I couldn’t find anything good to say and I just wanted to go away and hide. After that time, I’ve been thinking. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be spending time online at chat rooms. There are very few people I really wish to continue seeing and keep in touch with. I also think that there’s a time for everything but that now it might be time to move on. Not that I’m leaving my friends but I think I won’t be spending the same amount of time as I have in the past. I not only think so, I have already cut down a lot. Even though I’m logged in I don’t chat much at all unless a friend is on.

Well, I guess this wasn’t the fun and entertaining post you were hoping to read today but hey, it’s only the first of November – I might still surprise you all some…

Peace.

Nothing much

Hey, it’s me.

I’m back again. Or I’d rather say I’ve been here all the time just not making myself seen or heard.

Today I was late for the office. Didn’t really want to go anywhere. Felt drained of all energy. Even with a sunny morning I felt gloomy. It was a cold morning. When I arrived to the office there was chaos. The floor fixing people had arrived a day early so the furniture was all over the place. Had to start my day by setting up computer in a new room and then find some peace to get some writing done.

Then the rest of the day passed quickly and I was glad to get back home by bus. At home I had a simple dinner and the last piece of mom’s homemade apple pie.

Been spending the evening reading Tumblr & Twitter and listening to my Spotify playlists. Also following a football game off and on but it sounds like another loss for the Swedish national team against the Netherlands. [Edit: Sweden seems to be winning.]

Will probably go to sleep rather early as I am feeling tired and there’s nothing much going on.

Heard on the bus this afternoon

Guy#1: What’s the weirdest things a girl has left behind at your place?

Guy#2: I don’t know…

Guy#1: You know XX she forgot a toothbrush once…

Guy#2: Who the hell brings a toothbrush when they go out to a bar!?

Guy#1: I don’t know…(laughs) bring a toothbrush to a one night stand? ….And once I found some fake nails some other girl had forgot…I mean how do you forget a thing like that?

Both guys laugh.

Guy#2: Well at my place one girl forgot a phone charger…and ‘ve found false eyelashes (sigh)…stockings…wallet… shoes…panties

Guy#1: Yeah false eyelashes…How can they forget a thing like that….Anyway you know ZZ? She says she forgot her panties at my place…but I haven’t found them….I’ve been looking everywhere …I’ve got no idea where they are