How to be a friend

I’ve been terrible friend at times. Probably most of the time, because I’ve rarely had any real friends. There, I admitted it. An ugly truth but it needed to be told. I’m not a good friend person. I have tried to learn how to be a good friend but to be honest I am sure I still have a lot to learn in that department.

Anyway, I have had some friends. Still have some people I count as friends in my life.

Today I got an email from one friend, a person who used to be a very good and close friend, for the first time in six months. It made me very happy to read that email. Very happy to know my old friend is still alive and at least living.

The coincidence being I saw that email right after having watched the movie The Social Network about the creation of  Facebook. Since that movie is somewhat about friendship, it got me thinking, especially after reading the email, about my own way of being a friend and how I treat those I call my friends. Not always a  pretty picture.

I’ve not always been there when I should have, I’ve avoided confrontation, I’ve not always been honest about why I haven’t been around and other things like that. I’ve been a coward, I’ve  been selfish. But I’m working on being a better friend.

Because I really want to be a better friend. To all my friends. Because my friends mean a lot to me. More than they know.

The Big Lebowski

Watched The Big Lebowski this weekend. This is how the DVD packaging looks like for the 2-disc 10th Anniversary Collector’s Edition. It was fun to watch this movie again.

Sunday sitrep

Weather has been bad all day. Rainy and windy. But the real storms are passing to the north and to the south of my location so not getting too much of them here.  Still not the kind of weather I care to go out in. Still I had to go out early this morning to mail a letter. It was not too bad to drive by the mail box but for the rest of the day I stayed indoors.

I found The Hurt Locker  on dvd at a bargain price at the local superstore and bought it along with some groceries. Then spent the day watching the movie. It was good but not as great as I expected. Still good to have seen it since I’ve seen all other movies directed by Kathryn Bigelow.

My brother stopped by for some coffee in the afternoon.

I had some leftover chicken and potatoes for dinner. Then I had a shower to wash my hair. I really ought to get a haircut soon. After the shower I started watching more episodes from season 4 of NYPD Blue.

As soon as my hair is dry enough I will probably go to sleep as I have to get up early tomorrow to go to the office.

Watched

Right. Watched JFK – The Director’s Cut  on Monday evening to pass the time. I actually watched all of it. All three hours of Kevin Costner trying to solve the murder of JFK.  I don’t know how long it’s been since last time I watched this movie but I still couldn’t stop before the end. There’s something addictive about Oliver Stone‘s movies about the 1960′s. I’m not sure if I can explain why though. Probably has to do with me being interested in history and the fact that I was born during the 1960′s.

That certain girl

I know how it started. I remember who that certain girl was. The years have passed but the memories remain. It was probably at school. I’m certain it was at school. As a young child growing up I had very few friends. I remember playing with some of the other kids living along the same street but I can only remember one real friend from those years.  A boy of the same age. We remained friends up to around 12 years old. Then he began to not want to hang out with me because he wanted to be with the older kids and I was still very much a child. Didn’t care for the same things so the friendship faded out.

Anyway, this post is not about that. This post is about that certain girl. In the first years of school she was a blonde girl in my class. I had a crush for a while. At that age it was not easy to identify what the feeling was but I remember I really liked her. For a while. I never really knew her but I liked her. A few years passed and that certain girl became a brunette. Probably because I had seen Star Wars and developed a crush on Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher) so that certain girl at school had to look somewhat like Princess Leia – or at least be a brunette. There happened to be one certain girl in my class who was a brunette and actually looked a little like Princess Leia.  I never got to know her though – not more than as a friend in class. Probably just as well. She never knew about how I felt anyway. I didn’t really mind at that age. I prefered to keep my feelings to myself as I was a bullied boy. And shy, and insecure and scared of my own shadow. Well not really. With the exception of school being a pain due to the bullying, I was feeling safe and secure and enjoyed creating my own world in my mind.

Another couple of years passed and that certain girl was a blonde. Not one in my class but in  another one, at the bigger school I had recently started at. That certain girl was very pretty and I guess I really fell for her. Except she never knew about it. Not that I didn’t try to let her know in my own very twisted way. I was thirteen but not at all sure about what I was feeling actually was. So I remember writing some kind of letter. If I ever sent it is a matter of debate. I might have but I can no longer remember. Anyway that certain girl never knew about my feelings, of that I’m sure. And I didn’t really mind. Everything was still very innocent. At least in my world.

Another year or year and a half passed and that certain girl was a brunette. I guess the reader can now sense a certain pattern emerging. I certainly do sense a pattern. This certain girl was in my class and I actually talked to her before having a crush and even during the crush and also after. What was talked about was actually nothing special, mostly about school and studying but still it was talking to a certain girl, and you have to start somewhere.

Then I left for high school and got into a new class. That certain girl was now a…brunette again. Sorry, so much for a pattern. Anyway, I remember talking to that certain girl a bit now and then but she never really knew me and she never knew how I felt about her.  Maybe half a year later that certain girl was a blonde. This time it all started because she approached me. I was minding my own business and didn’t really care much about her before she suddenly talked to me a lot. I didn’t even know how to respond for some time but gradually I probably fell in love with her. I do remember being madly in love and wanting to do something about but not knowing what or how. I wrote a letter asking to be friends. Yes, I was a coward then too. So it became a kind of awkward friendship that lasted a few years beyond school but it kind of ended when I told her of my true feelings and got rejected by the words “I’ve never seen you as anything but a friend”. I was devastated, dead. It took many years to recover from that day.

So many years that I was around 24 before I ever let myself feel anything towards a certain girl again and this time that certain girl was a brunette. She worked at the same store as I did and she was a few years older and I think she flirted with me but I was too shy and scared to respond but inside I of course fell fo her instantly. Never dared to even try to find out what could have been as I was too afraid of rejection.

A year or two later that certain girl was a blonde. Again she worked at the same store as I did and this time around I did my best to be mature about the matter. Whatever mature means…I’m still not sure I’ve figured that one out. Anyway I remained calm and let things run its own pace. Which means that nothing ever happened. I think it was just as well.

Shortly after this I started at the University and after about 6 months that certain girl was a blonde again. I remember she smiled at me once and that was about all it took. Well I admit I just let my imagination run away with me this time. I think I even tried to let her know about my feelings but as usual I wasn’t too good at being straight forward about the whole affair so it ended in nothing.

Then the years passed and I devoted my time to studying. Around the last year of study I encountered a certain girl online and I found myself having those loving feelings again. Much to my surprise. Anyway the whole thing developed into some kind of friendship for a year or two but nothing was really serious, I guess. Looking back I can only feel like a fool when I think of how I felt and acted but it was a learning experience.

Almost right away after this that certain girl was once again a blonde (however not a real blonde, I learned after a while) and this time I was not looking for love but instead some kind of love happened over time. It took a few years of close friendship but then there was a time of real love, real feelings and I almost acted upon it but was too scared to really do anything. I had health problems during most of this time so I blamed that for never meeting that certain girl in real life. The feelings of love faded and the friendship remained but started to fade too as time passed and things happened in our lives. However this certain girl remains the best friend I’ve had so far. I am very happy for everything this experience taught me about myself and about others.

What about now? Is there another certain girl? What do you think?

Peace.

Monday is back

Yes. Another Monday has got me in its sights. Won’t back down until it’s all done. And said. Perhaps. Who knows what this Monday will bring? So far its brought me only boredom. Loneliness and some depression. However, I’m not giving up or giving in to those feelings without a fight. My horoscope for today told me I’d be up for a major setback so I’m trying to figure out what it could possibly be. I can imagine a few major setbacks that could still occur, even if my life is already as set back as a life could possibly be. Or so I thought.

Time will tell. The new Tintin movie will open this coming Friday. I can’t wait…Well, actually I can. I’m not so thrilled about the most European of European comic book heroes being turned into a movie star by Steven Spielberg &  Peter Jackson. Not that I don’t think they have made a good movie, I know they have, but still I wonder if Tintin’s adventures will really work on the silver screen.  Also I’m a bit skeptic towards all the hype around this movie.  Eventually I will probably watch it though.

If I can persuade myself to go to a cinema. Last time I went I almost turned back due to the stench of popcorn and other kinds of snacks and candy and soda pop that seemed to attack my nostrils as soon as I entered the lobby of the multiplex at the local shopping mall. The other thing that confused me was that the lines for tickets were the same as the ones for buying snacks, candy and sodas. Took me a while to figure out. The clerk seemed almost confused when I only wanted a ticket. However the theater was nice and the seat was comfy enough. The movie was ok and the 3D was a nice bonus. However my eyes got tired after about half the movie.

Even if movies are better at the cinema I prefer to watch them at home. Not so many distractions.

I’m digressing. This was supposed to be about this Monday but since nothing is happening I have to find something else to write about.  Or not.

Peace.

“Adventures In Babysitting” [Photo]

Southside Johnny & The Asbury Jukes performing  Future InYour Eyes in the movie “Adventures In Babysitting“. 

May the 4th be with you

Hello!

Its me again. Your never ending blogger.

Thought it was time I’d type a few words on this gloomy day. Is gloomy here. Cold. Raining. Feels like winter. Somebody said its spring. Haven’t noticed much of it this week. Last week I noticed my allergy started again. So I started taking pills.

Not much to add. Life moves along. Writing project moves along. Being at the office is ok. Not a paradise but good enough.

Gas price is insane. Not many will be able to use a car if this price keeps going up.

A friend posted on her blog. Always good to have some news so the need to worry disappears.

I’m thinking of what do to next when my writing project is done. Also thinking about starting to write some kind of fiction. Some kind of novel.

After rejecting fiction for more than a decade this might be right time to start again. Revive some ideas and maybe some characters and develop some new ones.  The urge to write is always there anyway – even when I don’t write anything the mind keeps telling stories and creating characters. Playing out dialogue, setting up scenes.

Gets a bit irritating at times, other times it’s a great way to pass the time.

Sooner or later something will be done.

Take care and Happy Star Wars Day!

Afraid

Image via Wikipedia

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t afraid of speaking. Afraid of letting myself out of my cage. Afraid of feeling too much and of letting the world know what really goes on in there. Inside my brain and inside my heart.

The surface might appear cool and controlled but underneath is a different story. Wouldn’t be that way if I was not so afraid of letting myself out. Letting go. Not hold back. I do write a lot here about how I feel but some feelings I do keep to myself even if it seems like I don’t hold anything back from my readers. I do hold back on some things. Some feelings for some people, I am very afraid to write about. To let the world know about. They might find it silly. They might not care. They might turn the other way. They might laugh. They might feel uneasy and think of me as some kind of freak. They might take a step back and not know what to think at all. They might worry if I’m insane or something. Those fears go through my mind a lot. Makes me hold back on some feelings I would gladly share but I don’t. I do not dare.  I wish I would dare but I’m afraid of getting hurt. See – after a life of hurt and rejection experienced too often – I should have developed a thicker skin but instead I keep being the easy target. So I stop before I risk too much. Probably not always the best strategy but it saves me from getting hurt but also stops me from finding out what would really  happen if I did let it all out. Might not be the end of the world  might be better than I think or fear. Might be good. However I am too much of a coward to take the risk of finding out. Instead I keep a lid on  and get lost in my dreams.

Why did I write this now. I watched a movie – The Wrestler – which I liked even though it was sad and made me think of  a lot of things related to my own life. It really made me see some things in a different light and suddenly made me aware of things I had not thought about before. Changed my perspective one could say.

Anyway. This is all for now.

Peace.

Easter Sunday 2011

Hi, readers!

Welcome to another post here at my blog SIC! I am MoonieZ and I’ll be your host.

First, let me just warn you that there is no limit to the amount of words you’ll encounter during your visit here. Words will most likely be formed into sentences that makes sense but they may also make no sense at all.

This is Easter Sunday in the year of our Lord 2011. Last night I watched a movie – Young Winston – about the life of the young Winston Churchill. It was better than expected but not great. I rated it two stars out of five due to it having a tendency to repeat itself in a bit of a mechanical manner . However Robert Shaw‘s performance as Churchill’s father was fantastic.

I did have some chocolate candy and some chips and dip in the evening but it mostly made me feel sick. I don’t enjoy that stuff as much as I used to. These days I prefer some icecream or some nice cheese or a sandwich for a snack. I guess I’m getting older. What a surprise.

This Sunday I’m relaxing and thinking of going outside to have some sun. Or I should be working on my writing project. Haven’t decided. Need to do some cleaning up around here as well. Always need to do chores but not often feel like doing them.

Twitter friends have been stirred by some kind of stalker incident. My two cents on that subject is the same as always: use caution.

I’ve never felt the need to find out everything about anyone I know or ever have known through the internet. I have enjoyed my friendships and been happy with whatever my friends have been wanting to share with me. A little or a lot, makes no difference. I’ve shared a little of myself and my life with some and a lot with a select few. Never met anyone in real life and never asked or suggested to meet anyone for any reason whatsoever. Have been asked once or twice to meet up but declined. In one case I did regret later  not meeting up and if the suggestion was made again I might accept it in that case. On the other hand I would never know for sure who I am going to meet just as the other person can’t be 100% sure of who I am. That’s always the risk. However, there are risks involved when meeting strangers in real life situations as well. You can never be sure who it is you are dealing with. Never 100%. However you can always trust your instincts and that’s what I do. So far I haven’t felt unsafe or scared about anyone I’ve befriended online but I never know what might happen in the future. And believe me. I would be scared if someone showed up on my doorstep uninvited and unexpected saying “Hi, I’m so and so from the site so and so” and I would most likely not let them in or want to have any longer conversation at that point. Maybe if it was out in a public place it happened I might spend a minute or two saying hi to them but I would wonder why they decided to approach me in real life if there had been no previous talk about it from either side. To take part in meet and greet gatherings of people one knows from the internet is a different matter. Sometimes I think it could be fun to meet a group of friends from the online world out in a public place just to share a good time and see what they are like in real life. But I don’t like surprise meetings on my doorsteep anymore than anyone else. My home is my castle.

Ok, back to the fun stuff. Whatever that is.  I’ve lost track of what I was going to type so I’ll just end this post right here.