Bump

The road ahead I know nothing about.

Even though I know that old people tend to have health problems, the news today that my mother has suffered a  mild cerebral hemorrhage hit me very hard. I have tried to be prepared for the day when my mother will pass away but I find it hard to prepare for such a thing. Still I know that it will happen one day, it’s inevitable. A part of life.

When my father died 17  years ago I wasn’t prepared at all. It was by far the worst days of my life so far. After that I’ve suffered other things that have been hard to deal with but the pain and sorrow of losing a parent is still the worst I can imagine. I’ve heard people say that losing a child is worse but since I’m not a parent myself I can’t really relate to that even though I can imagine it must be very painful.

While writing this I think that this will make me look like a weak and whiny type of person, but so be it. I am filled with fear of losing my mother because she’s my only living parent. Of course I know that life will go on without her among us, but I still wish that day would never come. Just as I wished the same while my father was alive.

And yes, I know I’m supposed to leave my parents and live my own life. Still, I would like to have my parents alive and around even if I’m independent and on my own.  I love my parents and I don’t think that means I’m not able to stand on my own two feet.

These are my thoughts at the moment which makes this update slightly unfocused but I hope it won’t seem totally confused.  I will probably edit this later.

Life 2.0

Ok, yesterday I was not very happy. My update was rather depressing to read. I don’t feel much different today but I still would like to add that I am not giving up. Just trying to get myself to see the reality of things instead how I wish it to be. Sometimes I trap myself in false ideas of what is and what will be. They trip me up and I fall. Then I get up – eventually – and often start the same process over again instead of actually learning something. Learning to open my eyes.

Life goes on. That’s all I really know for sure.

Today is my mother’s 88th birthday so I will be somewhat busy.  However, I don’t mind. Being busy helps me to not think too much about things I can’t change.  I usually think too much about things I can’t change,  but lately I try to keep myself busy with other matters. I also want to use my energy to create something instead of  just thinking.

Looking forward to summer even if the weather today is rather bad. Some snow in the air and really strong cold winds.

Peace.

Life

What is life?

Not about to write a thesis on the subject but sometimes I do ask myself the question: what is life? What’s my life?

Used to be rather good. Growing up, going to school. First. Then things started to happen. I guess in some twisted way what happened to me then and since, was and is all my fault. Or mostly my fault.

The bullying was of course brought on by my inability to conform to the rules, the social codes of behaviour. I wasn’t social enough or in the right way so I could only expect to be punished so that I would conform and adapt. Problem was I didn’t. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. I didn’t know what to conform to. I couldn’t figure out the rules. All I wanted was to be allowed to be me. I didn’t want to harm anyone or fight with anyone. I was not a violent kid at all. I only wanted to be accepted as being me.  No such luck.

Later, at work, I experienced similar problems. I didn’t fit in. The bullying was more subtle now but nevertheless real. It was a growing feeling of being pushed to the side, of not having the same value, not being listened to. It felt like it was all my fault and I did my best to change, to fit in. Sometimes I thought I did. Then, later on, I learned I didn’t. I never had and most likely never would.

Now, at the office, I don’t really feel it but at the same time I feel myself wanting to pull away. To withdraw into myself. I’m not sure I fit in anywhere. Maybe it’s true that it’s all my fault because I can’t learn to change, can’t learn how to be.

Seems to be the same with any friends. I kill them with my kindness. I go too far to soon. Want so much to be liked that it turns into the opposite because I behave like someone who is offered food after having starved for a long time: I throw myself over the plate and eat as fast and as much as I possibly can.

No, I can’t change. I try.

Can’t fit in. I try, but I try too hard.

Then I turn my back to the world and start all over again.

This was what I thought about while listening to some social media gurus talk about how the social media technology is all about sharing, reaching,communicating and connecting. And how the content of the media is provided by people wanting to communicate and connect. This is of course true but what happens to those who fail to connect and communicate despite their best efforts?  Where do they go?

Btw, this week has been ok. I was at a fair for a day or two and learned some things.  Helped my mother with preparations for her birthday tomorrow. Helped my aunt. Talked to my brothers and some of my cousins.  Watched a lot of movies. Wrote some applications for jobs. Spent some time thinking.

Next week I don’t know.

Peace.

Edit: The obvious answer: get a life.

Christmas 2011

Hello.  It’s Christmas Eve. Merry Christmas to all my readers and followers of this blog. I hope you all are having a happy holiday season.

I’m not having a good day today, but I will survive.

Have had a lot of arguments with my mother and I feel somewhat depressed. Have felt depressed for a long time.

I thought I had sorted things out at one point but it seems I’ve only imagined I had. My life is not happening and I no longer know what to do. I just want to get away from myself.

Woke up today very early after sleeping badly and having a dream I thought was real. Had a lot to do to prepare for Christmas dinner with my  mother and my oldest brother and his wife.

While I was busy with this and feeling stressed and unhappy I remembered how Christmas used to be when I was growing up and when I was younger.

For many years I looked forward to Christmas. I used to really love seeing my brothers and their families and enjoyed all the food and presents and every other tradition.
Since my father’s death, however, I’ve had a growing feeling of not enjoying Christmas as much. Things changed, people have changed but still everyone seems to cling to the idea of Christmas always being the same traditional celebration as ever before. Only nobody really like it as much anymore. It’s so obvious that its more of a chore than a celebration. No matter that most of the food is no longer cooked from scratch and that we no longer give presents or even have Christmas tree indoors.

Still, I feel bad for not enjoying Christmas as much as before and for not feeling happy but only stressed and tired. Most of all I wish to spend my holiday relaxing and just enjoy some good company, talk, read, listen to music, watch some TV.

I got a book as a Christmas present from my brother the chef/drummer. A book about the leader of the band my brother used to be in during the late 1970′s.  It’s a nice , heavy book and I’m happy to have it but at the same time I feel guilty for not having anything to give in return.

My oldest brother gave me a book for Christmas too. A book about depressions and how to deal with such feelings and problems. I know he cares but still I feel like I’m only a burden to everyone and that I should just cheer up and at least pretend to be happy and without any worries.

The food was good though and I’ve had a lot of it as usual. Same story every year.

Now I hope to enjoy some Christmas peace and then go to sleep.

Don’t know what I’ll be doing tomorrow. As little as possible is my wish.

Peace.

 

Cookies!

Mom decided to bake the other day, I happened to snap a few pics of the result.

The week that was

Been another week on the rollercoaster we call life. Ok, maybe I’m the only one to call life a rollercoaster but be that as it may.

It started out ok this week. I remember Monday being a good day. My text looked almost all done. It only needed a little fixing. Then Friday came along and it needed more than a little fixing. It goes up and it goes down but it never stops to surprise.

Life outside of the office has been maybe less of a bumpy ride but not less surprising. Not by far. Been having some arguments with my mother. Not happy about it but it’s a part of life I guess.

The best part of the week has been the conversations with friends and with one of them in particular. You know who you are.

Worst part of the week is to be poor. Too poor. Always too poor. Almost not able to buy food, yet always looking for the really cheap stuff at the supermarket.

Not fun to find out that less than two months from now I’ve been unemployed for almost 5 years. Only break of employment being 6 months in the spring of 2008. This has got to change soon. I’m working on it to happen.

Well there’s a Saturday evening and a Sunday still left of this week. Will be interesting to see what will happen. I will be at home for the most part, having no money and no places to go.

Next week starts with a birthday. My birthday. I wonder how that will be.

Peace.

The day after

I’ve slept on it.

Sunday was not a fun day. I was not feeling happy. I was not smiling. I was not having a good time.
I felt really sad and only wanted to escape the pain. But I let it have its run through me and this morning I woke up feeling a bit better. However as soon as I woke up I remembered why I was feeling the way I do. While sleeping I had been away in a very pleasant dream. I don’t remember the dream but I remember I felt happy while it lasted.

I didn’t want to get up and get ready, but I forced myself out of bed and got going.

At the office I didn’t produce much of value because my mind and my feelings were elsewhere most of the time. I wanted to get writing done but couldn’t focus on the work to be done.
Still, I could focus on writing for my blog.

It seems my best writing comes out of misery, pain, sadness and suffering – so perhaps I should always feel sad in order to produce good writing. At least here. Only problem is I don’t wan’t to feel that way. I want to be happy and smiling. When I feel happy I don’t write very good but then I’ll just have to work harder or let it all be.

I was out for dinner with my mother yesterday and it was nice. Made me feel a bit less sad.

The past had its good times but today I reminded myself it also had plenty of bad times, even if I still miss the past times because I had more going for me then. Or so it seems looking back.

Anyway, I will get through this feeling and get back on track again eventually. Nothing lasts forever. All I can do is keep on being me. For better or worse.

Peace.

Mother’s Day

Right.

This is the day and the time and the place to type something cute and clever and respectful in order to celebrate one’s origin – Mother or Mom. So, that’s what I’ll do.

Having had a father who made a career out of learning to fly in the Swedish Air Force and later learning to control air traffic, my mother has for me most of all been the manager of the home life.

Working – as she always did – kind of behind the scenes. Taking care of my father, my older brothers and later on me, as well as caring for  her own mother, her father, dad’s parents, her younger brother’s kids, her sister’s kids and lots of friends throughout the years.

I’ve often wondered how she coped with all the work. Sometimes I’ve heard her say that she didn’t but she has always managed anyway. Because that was the way it was supposed to be. End of story. Sort of.

My mother worked a lot of different jobs as a girl and young woman before marrying my father. She delivered mail, worked in the family bakery, planted trees, worked in a café and in a laundry. Then, after getting married, she only devoted her life to being a stay at home wife and mother until she was in her 50′s and friends told her should get out of the home and work for a salary  in order to get a bit more of a pension before reaching the age of retirement at 65. So she worked cleaning in office buildings for about 10 years. During those years I was at school and she worked part-time so she could be home when I came home from school.  After working outside the home she worked inside the home everyday. Not that she never got any help from my father or from me but she still was the one to keep the home in shape.

These days I can’t help to feel guilty when I think of how much work my mother has done and how much she still works now, at the respectable age of 87. Of course she gets more help now and there is not as many she has to care for besides herself but she still keeps busy and seems to want to keep busy even though she sometimes says she doesn’t. I guess it’s not easy to accept that old age is taking strength away and that things won’t be like they’ve always been.

Also I am of course grateful for all the things she’s done for me and all the things she’s taught me. And not to mention the excellent home cooking over the years. Being the daughter of baker she knows both how to bake and cook. Even if in the later years she doesn’t always have the motivation and energy to do much of either.

Mother’s Day should be celebrated every day but at least there’s one day of the year devoted to celebrating Mothers everywhere. Without my mother I wouldn’t be here.

Friday night

That was last night as a matter of fact. I got home early from the office and after a few hours I went back out to get some groceries in order to be able to cook dinner. Well, I used the old electric grill to grill some hamburgers out on the back porch. Even though it was raining. Another cold and cloudy day and night.

Spent the evening at the computer. Listened to music, looked at YouTube clips, tweeted and posted on Tumblr. Also looked at my MFC profile page and sometimes even had one eye on the cams streaming video.  Late in the evening around 11 pm I must have fallen asleep for a while because next time I looked at the time it was past midnight.

I usually go to sleep before midnight. Even before 11 pm most evenings but this evening was different. I was waiting for a friend to go online at an MFC chatroom after having been away for some time. However it turned out her internet went down so nothing came of it. I waited as long as I could while I still managed to stay awake but around 4 am I finally went to sleep and then slept about 4 hours, woke up and checked to see if I had missed anything. Turned out not a lot so I tried to fall asleep again but only for about two hours, then I got up and checked the sites again before breakfast and reading the morning paper.

As usual on Saturdays I would be taking my mother to the church to put fresh flowers on my father’s grave. But that would be in the afternoon.

Before that I had time to take care of some personal business and I won’t get further into the details of that right now because I’m going to return to the subject in an upcoming post. If I’m not too shy to write it.

Tuesday typing

Hey…

I had this insane idea I should type something here today. Weird, I know.  However, here I am and typing. Not sure about what but something is bound to come out of this random string of words. Always have, always will. So they say anyway. Who are they? I don’t know but they seem to say a lot about a lot a lot of the time. Indeed this is my first new post in a long time. Have been so busy doing a  lot of stuff lately so haven’t had time for blog updates. Been mostly updating at Twitter and Tumblr. I will try to better myself though but I make no promises. This blog has been around for a long time now. Next month it will  be 6 years since I started this blog over at Blogger.com. I will of course celebrate. Somehow.

What else is new. Spring has come. Weather is sunny and getting warmer. My allergy has started again. Not as bad as some years ago but I still have to use medication if I don’t want to be too bothered by sneezing and itching.

I managed to change the tires on the car all by myself. Almost. One tire had to be changed at the auto repair shop, but it didn’t cost me anything.

My  mother had a bad case of  the flu for the past week but now slowly getting her strength back.

At the office there are more new people starting. Things are really starting to happen. My writing project is almost done. I will be very happy when it is finished. Been wanting to finish it for a long time.

This would be all for now.