Monday is a fine day

Yes, indeed. I wake up. I get ready. I go to the office and I check my Twitter and notice I’m unfollowed and blocked by someone I  recently tweeted to. Find out I’m also unfollowed on Tumblr by the same person. Not sure this has ever happened to me before.

Sure, I’ve been unfollowed before. That happens from time to time. Usually I’m unfollowed by people I don’t know who suddenly start following me on Twitter and/or Tumblr and then stop after some time. I suspect the reason to be that I don’t follow back or that I don’t tweet them or that they find they don’t like my tweets or whatever.

When someone I know unfollows me, it’s a bit different. So far it hasn’t happened more than a few times and both times by the same person. First time I was given a reason, this time it seems I didn’t get a reason for being both unfollowed and blocked so I guess all that remains for me is to move on.

I could of course dwell on this and ponder the reasons this person might have but that wouldn’t be very constructive as it would only be speculation and not fact. So, I leave this matter as it stands and move on.

Generally speaking I do know that my tweeting and tumblr-ing can’t please everyone all the time and it’s not my goal to please anyone. My reason for using Twitter and Tumblr is to express myself and interact with others.  I have unfollowed people too but most of the time I do it after being unfollowed by them. I also block accounts sometimes but only if I strongly suspect them to be fake/spammers and such.

Ok, enough of this stuff.

Today I hope I will do some productive writing and other work and also have a fine day in as many ways as possible.

Always Monday

A Game of Thrones (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I had my mind set on writing something else this Monday but the way things turn out made me have to change my plan.

It all started in a nice way with a late evening, night and early morning in a chat room. Then I slept for a few hours. When I woke up it was because I needed to help my mother go to see the doctor. When she got there, he sent her on to the hospital while I was busy getting some errands done.  The rest of my day I spent waiting for news. I even called the hospital to check.

The local doctor had suspected a stroke, that’s why he wanted my mother to go to the hospital to be examined by specialists. My mother has had some trouble with walking and standing up without falling or being unsteady and felt dizzy from time to time. Everyone around her has asked her to see the doctor and find out what’s wrong but she has refused until this morning.

I was supposed to do some job searching but I could not focus on anything while waiting for news about my mother. To ease my anxiety I did take a nap for about an hour and after that I felt less worried. Nevertheless, I got calls from my aunt and later I called my oldest brother to let him know what was going on.

When I finally got word that my mother was on her way home and that there wasn’t anything seriously wrong, I was very relieved. I also felt very tired from all the nervous waiting around for news.

Edit: Today, Wednesday May 16th, the doctor at the hospital called and told my mother that the x-rays showed she had suffered a cerebral hemorrhage a while back. There has been one incident one morning some weeks ago when she fell to the floor after having got up from her bed.  Suddenly things have become serious again.

Somehow I managed to watch the latest episode of Game of Thrones in the middle of all this. It was good but I still think things move along a bit too slow. Anyway, I’m hooked on it and will keep watching.

My first plan for the evening was to upload more photos to my Flickr album but I never got myself to do it. Too many other things going on and too many thoughts running around.

When I’m done writing this, I’ll be heading to bed. And sleep.  All night. Unless the bed bugs bite.

Peace. Tomorrow is Tuesday. Don’t forget that. Tuesdays are people too. I mean days. Of the week.

Awkward. Is it warm in here?

Good night.

Something new?

I’ve been thinking. Thinking. Should I update or not? Should I really put my ass on the line again, just for the satisfaction of reading my words on this blog once more? Sometimes, I can’t decide if it’s worth it or not. Sometimes I think I have nothing more to say about anything to anyone at all.

It was like that the other night. I was in a chat room having a nice chat with my beautiful friend, laughing and having a good time, when suddenly it hit me: I have no idea what more to say, no idea at all. Of course I didn’t stop typing just because I didn’t know what more to say. Instead I kept on typing and somehow words came out that made some kind of sense, had a meaning and kept the convo going. I was happy to have gotten through without falling silent.

The next day I started thinking about writing an update for this blog. I had some ideas, I even had one text all worked out in the back of my head but when I thought about writing it I got second thoughts and cold feet and suddenly didn’t feel like writing it. Or anything else.

The day after was the same. The thought came: it’s time to update and then the next thought was: I don’t want to. Not now, not today. I do have ideas but I don’t feel like sharing them anymore.  So I did something else. Looked at Tumblr dashboard, read tweets and listened to music. Also watched some sort of fancy Danish porn movie: All About Anna but without much interest. After some more thinking I decided to go to sleep. Still without updating.

I woke up this morning and knew that today I would have to update this blog – somehow. The show must go on. That’s just the way it is. Some things will never change.

However, I still feel a lot of resistance even as I’m writing this. A voice in my head tells me to not do this. To not finish it. To not publish it. But, I will publish. Have I done this much writing I will not throw it out, I will publish it no matter what I think. So, this is why this update is the way it is. No secrets, no lies. Only words.

Snowy Saturday, 2012

Yes, I’m back.

This Saturday I woke up around 10:24 am, after having gone to sleep at around 7:00 am. Needless to say I didn’t plan to stay awake all night. It just happened to be that way because a friend was online and I couldn’t pass on a night of fun.

When I looked out my window this morning I wanted to go straight bacck to bed though. The world was all white, covered in snow.  Heavy, wet snow.  Yet I did rise and had my breakfast. Made my way out through the snow to the mailbox to collect the Saturday morning paper. Read it.

Then had some rest for a few hours before having some food in time for the afternoon hockey game broadcast to start on TV. Watched the exciting game and then had some more food before going out to shovel some more snow away from the driveway.

The evening I’m spending listening to music on Spotify. reading tweets, looking at my Tumblr dashboard and writing this update.  Probably it will be another long night of fun also.

If the weather is better tomorrow I hope to be able to get out and do some shopping.

Easter Saturday, 2012

Hello people!

Taking some time away from things I ought to do to bring you this update. Perhaps it will be a waste of your time or perhaps not. Nobody knows for sure.

The weather today is sunny but the winds are cold and there’s still some snow on the ground. However its a lot better than yesterday. I didn’t go out at all.

Today I will probably have to as there are some things I have to buy for the Easter dinner to be complete. Also I want to get out and get some air and a bit of sun.

My pains are somewhat mysterious but I’ve been able to conclude they are not caused by kidney stones. What the cause is I haven’t figured out but since the pain comes and goes and isn’t getting any worse or more frequent I’m guessing it’s not a sign of  anything too serious, only seriously annoying. So now I’m trying to determine if it has something to do with certain food items or  not.  I know I ought to see a doctor to perhaps find out what the problem is, but since I’m not really ill in any other way I think maybe it’s not that serious after all.

I did only watch parts of some movies yesterday.  I also listened to some music on Spotify.  Then I spent a lot of time looking through my Tumblr dashboard and also some time reading my Twitter timeline. My day ended in a chatroom of a friend, then I went to sleep.

Today I hope to remember to watch episode 7 of Game of Thrones since I’ve managed to forget it for the last few days. At first I didn’t like that show much, but after watching some more of it I started to be interested and now I actually find it entertaining enough to want to follow it.

Later on I expect to talk to some friends and have some fun. Maybe I’ll watch some TV or some movie. I’m sure I’ll be having some Easter candy as Easter is a lot about candy in Sweden lately. It used to be about painting and eating  boiled eggs, pickled herrings, salmon, roasted lamb and such but now the candy eggs are IT.  A long, long time ago I believe Easter also had some kind of religious significance but I’m not sure what.

Happy Easter!

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Yesterday, or perhaps the day before, I almost wrote something stupid on this blog. Again. However, after almost finishing the post I realized it would not do any good to publish it. Also, it was below my usual standards.

The topic was webcam chat sites and what happens there. I decided I’ve written enough about this topic and my views remain the same as last time I wrote something about the subject. However, recently I have been thinking about my many years spent dealing with this subject and the various experiences I’ve had.

What once started out of curiosity and as a way to pass some time, became a way of life over time. For some years it was even an obsession. Leading to many different results both good and bad. I wouldn’t want to be without this experience but the last few months I have been feeling it’s time to move on. In a way I already have. I spend much less time at the site now. I have other things to do in my spare time. Much of the change can be found in the fact that I have very few people to talk to at the site and that the times when I do are few and far between. I’m no longer looking to get to know any new people as I don’t feel like it and don’t know  why I would want to. The people I still know are good enough to keep in touch with. In the years past I often looked for new people to talk to and sometimes I found new friends online. I was a different person then. I was more outgoing, felt more safe and secure in my life and I had a better income. All in all, I found it easy and fun and didn’t have too many things to worry about. What I did have to worry about were enough but in those days I could forget my problems and have fun while being in chatrooms. Now I find myself having trouble to let go of my problems and enjoy myself. I don’t even know what to talk about most of the time. I wish I could find my way back to the easygoing and fun guy I used to be. I know that the person I am now is not the way I really am or want to be. I just can’t shake the uneasy feeling I have.

So many things keep going wrong that I have almost lost all confidence and become very nervous and scared. This makes me less interested in sticking my neck out and making myself noticed. I prefer to hide away in the shadows. Not a good method but that’s how it is.

Maybe things will change when summer comes along. I don’t know. I only know I feel like giving up on everything and just go away and live my life in some far away cave.

This was supposed to be a positive update but I guess it will have to wait until I write another one.

Sorry, I wish I could be a better entertainer.

Peace.

Marching on to March

Hello, it’s early morning March 1.

I hope you are not asleep because this is my first post this month. Of course this post just might put you to sleep but that’s another matter.

I woke up at 4am for no reason and happened to see I had missed seeing a friend who was online. For a minute or two I thought about going back to sleep or if I should check if my friend would still be on. Finally I got up and walked over to my computer to check. Luckily I wasn’t totally too late. Even more luckily I don’t have to go to the office today and tomorrow it’s closed so I have a long weekend even if I still have things to do so I’m not actually off for two days, only for one but it’s still good.

This week has not been too good until today. I’ve had a lot of pain and problems and been feeling rather depressed for many reasons. Sometimes the reality of my situation gets the better of me. And everything else that has gone wrong or seems to go wrong does not make me any less sad.

I’m feeling used up and lost. Broken. Nothing really matters anymore.  I mostly have nightmares and sometimes even my daydreams turn out bad. I worry  and I can’t find any peace or happiness. Well, nobody likes to hear about this so I won’t dwell on it too long.

Maybe it will change, maybe I can make it change. Time will tell.

Right now I’m at least glad I’ve had some fun seeing a friend.

 

All in my head?

It’s all in my head. I didn’t put it there. Yes, you did. Ok, I did. But I don’t want it there. This thought, this feeling of breaking into pieces of insignificance. I’m a little mixed up, I guess. Not sure what to do, not sure how to think and not sure what I feel. Trying to get myself in line. Straighten myself out. Stop making a chicken farm out of a feather. Stop the thoughts from running away with my sense. Some moments I wish I could let go and just panic for a while. Then I snap back to reality and tell myself I’m such a fool and I need a good smack across the face. I would bang my head through the wall if I could be sure it helps. I’d do anything if I only knew it would help. But since I’ve got no real idea what the problem is I can’t figure out a way to solve it. Of course deep down the problem is in my head. Should I try to lose my head and get a new one? I don’t know. I haven’t got a clue. Only thing I know is that I want to think about other things and feel good. But I can’t.

I know it’s stupid to always do this but it would be even more foolish to deny the way it is. So today is not a good day in the life of MoonieZ. However, I am not asking for pity. All I’m doing is telling it like it is.

I would like to focus all my energy on a friend being ill instead of all this stupidity my mind keeps picking up to throw at me.

Sometimes

Sometimes it’s good to stop and not rush in like a fool. I was about to update this sooner but I’m glad I didn’t. That text would not have been clever if it had been written and published then. At that time I didn’t have all the facts and would have risked jumping to conclusions, the wrong conclusions. Now that the facts are in I am able to write something better.

Yesterday I didn’t do much of anything. I had been awake almost to 6am hoping to have a little fun in a chatroom but instead I spent the night waiting. Needless to say after that adventure I was tired because I slept only about 4 hours before getting up again.  Not much later my mother invited me to have dinner at the local pizza place so we went there in the early afternoon and had some pizza before going grocery shopping and then returning home.

The rest of the evening I spent watching the live broadcast of Whitney Houston’s funeral service online  and later I also watched the third qualifying competition of the Swedish Song Contest on public television.

Before going to sleep I looked around at chatrooms and took a quick look at Chatroulette. I also looked at my Tumblr dashboard. Feeling slightly bored and tired I fell asleep after midnight. Slept well and woke up around 6am then went back to sleep for another 3 hours.

Got up and got dressed at around 9:30am.  Checked Twitter and read some posts. Went out and removed some snow, got the morning paper and returned inside to read it. Got a call from my uncle asking if I would like to go to the theater. I didn’t really feel like it but eventually I said I would go. He had a ticket left over due to another person’s illness and didn’t want it to go to waste.

The play was a production of  Noel Coward‘s Brief Encounter where the live action on stage was integrated with filmed sequences shown on a screen above the stage. It was an entertaining show but I can’t say it was the best I’ve ever seen. At one point I even started to fall asleep which was odd since the play is only about 90 minutes long.

I went to buy some groceries on the way home and got back just as it started to snow. Had dinner and then went to check out the latest news from the online world.

Soon I will have a shower and then I have a few more hours to kill before going to sleep again.  Another weekend over and done.

Peace.

 

News from the life of me

Latest news.

The past week was a tragedy. Ok, perhaps it’s pathetic to feel sad about the loss of a car but I do. Feel sad. I liked to drive. The car worked very well up until the weekend before last. Then the cold came and first it seemed only the battery needed charging. Then after a few days there was a strange sound coming from the engine. Not all the time but it kept returning and the last day it was there all the time the engine was running. Still I could not imagine it being a serious problem. Not until he car suddenly died. Then it was over.

To repair would cost a lot more than what the car is worth and that’s not an option due to my situation. So, no more driving.

Of course, for many years before I learned to drive I got by with walking, biking and public transportation but it will be hard to adjust back to that now. Being able to drive was freedom  - pure and simple. I will miss that freedom a lot.

Valentine’s Day was on Tuesday. I didn’t get many greetings but a few. Sent out only a few too, and only one card.  In the evening I had some fun seeing a friend for a chat.

On Wednesday I worked from home. Went to get a much-needed hair cut, so now I no longer look like a heavy metal fan or hippie anymore. Now I look like a respectable person.

It snowed a lot on Wednesday so I had some to shovel. Wouldn’t be much of a chore if it weren’t for the pain from my kidney stones. I know I ought to see a doctor about it but I’m still hoping it will be ok by itself somehow.

I know that’s stupid but I still remember how I spent years trying to recover from my leg problems without the doctors being able to do much about it. In the end they healed without any doctor even knowing why and without any help from the treatment.

Today I feel tired and should probably try to be productive and get some of my writing done. Make some effort to solve this limbo I find myself in. I’ve almost spent a year at the office and although I’ve made some results I’m still without employment and not getting any younger. The more time I spend out of work the harder it will be to find someone willing to employ me.

What still gets me to get up in the morning is the feeling of not having any other option than to keep on trying. Keep on living. Keep seeing my few friends and keep hope alive. It gets harder to do though.

In a few weeks there’s a convention in town that I will probably visit. Maybe it will give me some new ideas about how to move forward.

Seems new ideas is what I need the most.

Peace.