New post Monday

It’s Monday. Time to write something new.

I was going to do it yesterday but I was too tired to start.

This weekend and all of last week was very cold. Especially at night. Some places in Sweden had colder nights than ever recorded before. It started to feel like a sequel to the movie The Day After Tomorrow.

The car could not handle the cold very well. The battery died and had to be charged. Never happened last winter even though there were many cold nights then too. I had to figure out how to charge the battery which was a bit of a learning experience. I’m not good at fixing anything to do with cars but I try to learn as I go along. Haven’t had the need to learn until just a few years ago, so it will take some time. However after about 4 hours charge the car could be started and now it seems to work as normal except for some strange sound from the engine. I’m a bit worried about what it could be. Don’t know if it’s something that will need fixing.

Friday night it was very cold outside. I spent part of  the night online, at a chatroom and had a nice few hours of talk. It was good because most  of Saturday and Sunday was spent working on the car – outside.

I watched the first part of the Swedish Song Contest “Melodifestivalen” on TV on Saturday night. There were only a few really good songs and performers among the eight competing songs and luckily the one I liked the most made it to the next round and will have a second chance to reach the final competition.

The headlines the day after only talked about the incident when an older male performer briefly put his hand on the behind of the young good-looking female host of the show while she hugged him after interviewing him. Seems this made the whole of Sweden explode in some kind of moral outrage. I guess it says something about our society. Not sure exactly what though.

Sunday evening I managed to start the car and went for a drive. After that I watched some TV, had  a shower and went to bed.

Today I had a meeting at the office with a workgroup about social media. The idea is to study social media and how they can be used to aid in job search and employment. Might be interesting to be a part of.

I’m also working on my own project and making some slow progress. Other than that not much is happening. Life goes on. Time goes by. I get older. Days are getting longer. Sun is up earlier, sets later. I wish Spring would be here.

Peace.

What’s new in Moonieland?

Ok, time to update on what goes on in the real world of MoonieZ, that is the world outside my head. I know what goes on inside my head. An awful lot of dreaming, mostly about one certain  individual. Very nice dreams and very innocent and pure too, I assure you.

No time to waste. Even though time is something I seem to have a lot of. Maybe time is all I’ve got. Lately I feel like time is running out, though.

WORK  Still nothing new to report. I have applied for a bunch of jobs recently but still haven’t had any word back. I’m working on finding work though. That’s been my “job” for years now.

OFFICE Yes I spend most days at the office along with thirty other people in the same unemployed situation. There I’m working on projects that are supposed to help me get a real job. So far I’ve managed to finish my long overdue bachelor’s degree by writing one small paper that was missing from one of the classes I had taken. It feels good to have got it all done. Remains to be seen what use I can make of having a bachelor’s degree in Cultural Studies and Cinema in my search for a new job. My next project involves blogging and it might also branch out to involve the writing of a book. Time will tell.

MONEY Still paying off debts. The little I have left keeps the roof over my head and food on my table but not much else. However I’m happy to be able to live. That I don’t have much of a life is another matter. It’s all my own fault anyway.

FRIENDS Yes I have some friends. Thanks to the internet I’m not all alone. Well, I used to have friends before the internet too but I still like my internet friends. One of them I don’t see anymore and it has been hard to accept but I’ve moved on. Luckily the friends I still see are really nice and they are all people I care about. One of them I have to admit I really care a lot about. Probably too much at times.

FAMILY I have my mother and my brothers, my uncles and my aunts. My nieces and nephews and my cousins. Family is important and without them I’d be lost.

HEALTH I’m not too ill. Haven’t got much of a stamina though and always think I ought to exercise more but can’t seem to get started. Probably suffer from kidney stones and can’t afford to have my teeth fixed but generally I’m feeling ok. Starting to put on weight again which is not good though. I was glad to have lost some so I’ll just have to start watching how much I eat again. Not always easy as food is one of the few pleasures my life still has left to offer. I know that food has often worked as a substitute for things I want and need in my life but can’t seem to get or have much of. Like love, affection, physical contact, sex.

LOVE  No comment.

FUTURE  Do hope I have a future. The hope of a better tomorrow is what keeps me going.

 

Get a job

I know I must but sometimes I feel like this too when people around me make it all seem so easy without having ever walked even an inch in my shoes.

Out of place

Nothing works.

I had made an appointment to get the tires changed on the car, but the place I went to couldn’t fix it. Have to go to another place. Not sure where to go  as it is not my car. Anyway today didn’t work out the way I thought. Lately very little seems to work out the way I plan. I have the feeling of being in the wrong place, out of place. Not sure about where I fit in. Never have been sure. Most of my life I’ve been out of place. Most of my life has been a struggle to find out where I belong. Haven’t really found out yet.

Looked for jobs today too. Found three or four ones that could maybe be interesting for me to apply for. Maybe jobs I could actually be able to do if the employer would decide to give me a chance. Anyway I’ve also done some chores around the home and written some texts for this blog. Now I’m spending a few hours relaxing before going to sleep again. Tomorrow another day at the office awaits.

I guess that’s all folks!

Life is good

It should be. It could be. It might  be.

Today I woke up from a dream. I don’t know what it was about but it was probably nice. As I got out of bed I felt a pain in my body. I feel that pain almost every minute I’m awake lately. No matter if I walk, stand, sit. Only when I lay down to sleep does it stop, or perhaps I just don’t notice while I sleep. Anyway I know I must go see a doctor about but I haven’t found the  courage yet. I always hope pain will go away eventually. This pain hasn’t.

Seems the car isn’t ready to be used yet. I had hoped to have it back this week but now I don’t know. I only know I really miss driving. A lot.

The last bus ride home this afternoon was murder. Half the bus was full of teenagers. They were very loud and had exactly no manners. If I wasn’t such a coward I would have told them to sit down and shut up but being the mild-mannered forest creature I am, I didn’t. Sometimes I wish I was tough but I’m not.

Anyway, the other bus rides were ok. Much better than the crowded commuter trains in the morning. This morning they were delayed again. I wonder if they’ll run at all when winter comes for real with snow and ice.  Last winter there were a lot of problems with the trains. But last winter I didn’t have to go anywhere. And I had the car to drive.

This winter  I will have to go to the office five days a week. It will be fun. Maybe not.

Today the  government presented next years budget. Not much they had to offer for the unemployed and the poor. But a tax cut for restaurant meals instead. Supposed to be good to create some more jobs but I doubt it. And meals won’t be cheaper. The restaurant owners will earn a bit more money. That’s all.

I’ve soon been out of work for five years with a 6 month employment in 2008 as the only break from poverty and unemployment. Before this unemployment I had my leg problems that lasted more than a year. So life’s been good.

Not that I haven’t tried. I keep trying. I do what I can but the times are tough and I’m looking for a lover who’ll come on in and cover me… No, I’m not much of a bargain. Actually I’m not looking anymore. That time has passed. I’ll have to be happy with the way things are.

This sounds so depressing I think I need to stop writing. Nobody likes bad news and my endless whining.

Next post will be more fun.

Peace.

The week that was

Been another week on the rollercoaster we call life. Ok, maybe I’m the only one to call life a rollercoaster but be that as it may.

It started out ok this week. I remember Monday being a good day. My text looked almost all done. It only needed a little fixing. Then Friday came along and it needed more than a little fixing. It goes up and it goes down but it never stops to surprise.

Life outside of the office has been maybe less of a bumpy ride but not less surprising. Not by far. Been having some arguments with my mother. Not happy about it but it’s a part of life I guess.

The best part of the week has been the conversations with friends and with one of them in particular. You know who you are.

Worst part of the week is to be poor. Too poor. Always too poor. Almost not able to buy food, yet always looking for the really cheap stuff at the supermarket.

Not fun to find out that less than two months from now I’ve been unemployed for almost 5 years. Only break of employment being 6 months in the spring of 2008. This has got to change soon. I’m working on it to happen.

Well there’s a Saturday evening and a Sunday still left of this week. Will be interesting to see what will happen. I will be at home for the most part, having no money and no places to go.

Next week starts with a birthday. My birthday. I wonder how that will be.

Peace.

State of the MoonieZ

Yes. You are reading it right. This is an attempt to write something a bit more interesting than the latest post. Been too long since I really wrote anything good on here. Could be due to the fact I spend five days a week, 8 hours a day at an office doing mostly nothing besides writing. Somehow I have no energy left to think or write anything when I get back home in the evenings.

I like the place I’m at. It feels like a real office, a place of work.

There are 15 people there now.  Men and women.  Ages ranging from early thirties to early sixties. All working on projects and having time to socialize. There are many experienced, educated and skilled people there and the one more thing we all have in common is that we are unemployed and have been for more than two years.

Being unemployed for long periods of time wears a person down. It’s a fact. No one escapes it.

At the start, the first month or two, you think you’ll soon find another job and you work hard at searching for employment. Then as time passes and nothing happens you adjust more and more to being outside of the working life. The everyday life. You start to have trouble sleeping, you stay up too late, you worry, you feel depressed and lonely and shut out. You blame yourself even though you may have been a productive employee for twenty years before having had to leave your job due to cutbacks or because the place of  work is closed  down permanently. Your “crime” is only to be out of work.  Society treats you like a criminal or at least like there’s something wrong with you. They think that there has got to be something wrong with you since a “normal” person is not unemployed. A “normal”  person gets up in the morning and goes to work. But you don’t. You get up to read job ads, write applications, call employers or go from business to business asking for work.  You battle with authorities to get the small amounts of money you are allowed to survive by. Meanwhile time passes and your life along with it.

That’s what life is like where I am at. Since late 2006 I have had 6 months of employment. My life is in ruins. My economy is in ruins. Yet I’m alive and still looking for work. Still apply for hundreds of jobs each year. Still ask around, still keep trying. While I’m watching life pass me by.

Ok. I’m, not writing this to make anyone feel sorry for me. Doesn’t matter anyway. Life still looks the same no matter how I or anybody else feel about it. But I do write to tell you who are not in this unfortunate situation to be thankful you’re not in my shoes. I once had what you have for a number of years and I was happy with the life I had. Never even imagined it could change. So, the fall to the bottom is easier than I thought but the climb back up is a lot more difficult than I could ever imagine before having to try.

So, on this Saturday, if you have a weekend off from work – enjoy it.  Make the best of it. You never know how long it lasts.

I’ll be enjoying my Saturday too. But I will not be able to shake the feeling of uneasiness that comes with always thinking I’m guilty of something.

Easter thoughts

So this is Easter…2011.

Thinking back to April 2008. That’s when I last had a real job. It had just started. I thought it would last. It didn’t. After 6 months it was over. Trying to find a new one after that has proved to be difficult. Hundreds of applications, phone calls, meetings and a few interviews later I am still without a job. My economy is ruined. I can only afford to stay alive and pay my rent. There’s no room for anything except very basic stuff. I am only a small step above rock bottom. A small step away from sleeping on the sidewalk. True, in Sweden there is a “safety net” or at least there used to be. The current government hasn’t made caring for the poor into a priority. Rather the opposite.

Anyway my idea was not to go off on a rant this Good Friday but I can’t help it sometimes. Had been reading about some political issues and so my post started where my thoughts happened to be.

The weather is great today. I have enjoyed my day off from the office. Will probably start to work on the writing project later on. If I can find the energy. There’s nothing I’d like more than to have that writing done so that I can start developing new ideas and move forward. There are projects I am eager to start working on but can’t as long as the writing isn’t done.

Sorry, I keep repeating myself. The idea was to write something new and interesting today but it seems it didn’t happen.

Anyway I don’t feel too depressed. I feel rather good about life. As it can’t get much worse and there are some things to be happy for. Some friends  too.

Happy Easter!

Get on with it!

Hi, readers!

I’m truly sorry I haven’t been updating this blog as often as I should. My resolution for the new year to post at least once every day of the year has already failed. I managed only a month and a half. Well sometimes things happen that makes that kind of promise less important to keep. When personal matters are at hand others will have to stand back.

The last month or two has been filled with very little sleep for the most part. A lot of time spent in front of a computer and also a lot of time spent waiting. Waiting for that special person to appear. To not risk missing a moment of it, I’ve been awake almost around the clock for weeks. I guess some would call it commitment and others, probably most people, would call it obsession. Anyway these times of around the clock online time are coming to an end.

As of Tuesday next week – 1st of March – I will be starting a “job” or at least something that looks like a job which is supposed to keep me occupied just like a regular job would. This means the end to sleeping only 3-4 hours at night. This means getting up, getting ready and getting going early in the morning.

So it’s the end of a very nice time in my life. Will have to adjust to seeing a lot less of my friend. Maybe it will be for the better. These last months have been very intense. Perhaps too intense even. I don’t know, but in the long run it might be better not to spend so much time online even if there will be a bit of pain in adjusting to another schedule. Knowing I’ll be missing out on a lot of fun brings me almost to my knees before it has even happened but I guess that’s only to be expected.

I had no idea I’d feel this way. Even if I knew from the start I wanted to spend more time with this person it did take a little while before I felt like I wanted to be around all the time. Then for a few months last fall I couldn’t and all that time was a kind of emotional torture. I hated to be absent because I liked so much to be present.  When I finally could again I felt very happy. Now, I know that this time of “work” that awaits me will last forever – or until I find a regular, real, job – which means I have no end to look forward to. This that starts on Tuesday is what it will be like for years to come. I’ll have to accept it and move on.

However, I also think it might be good get into some kind of “normal” life again. Have a set daily schedule and get things done. Not that things haven’t gotten done now, but they have been done at slightly odd hours of the day and night sometimes. I managed to see my friends online while I still had a regular job for many years so I don’t worry about that part. Only problem now is the different time zones. I didn’t have that problem when my friends were all Europeans and living in the same time zone. Now I’ll have to figure out how to make the most of the time I will have available. More of quality instead of quantity I guess it will be. Might be all for the better. Who knows. I intend to make it as good as it can be.

Things will work out one way or another though, of that I’m sure. They always have before so I presume they always will.

Spring is coming. It does not look like it is right now, but the daylight hours are adding up and soon there’ll be more light than dark. The snow will melt and the cold winds will get warmer. The whole country will change appearance and so will the people. I like spring, I like summer even more. Too short they always are. Only a few months, but I love how my country looks and smells during that time. Above all I love the nordic light. Nothing like it anywhere else. But I’m digressing.

My Thursday was rather boring. Nothing much got done. Nothing much happened. Not until the late evening. I made a video –  a sort of tribute as it turned out. I had some fun tweeting. A brief chat. That sort of thing. Also some hours of sleep here and there. In the end it all seemed like a dream. I am sure I was awake though. As sure as one can be these days. Maybe it was all a part of the The Matrix …

My Friday is off to a productive start. I’ve been working on things I have needed to do a long time ago. Today they’re all getting done. Thinking if I should frame a few more photos I got recently or if I should let them remain unframed. Decisions, decisions.

Been watching some Bugs Bunny cartoons on YouTube. Was very funny to see them again.

Had a nice early dinner. Pasta and sauce.

Later went for a drive. Filled up some gas cause the meter was showing red. Gas price is insane lately.  Almost takes the joy out of driving. Went to the grocery store. Picked up stuff for my mother and got some for myself as well. Had some potato chip snacks, tzatziki and some Italian salami while watching TV and tweeting at the same time.

Felt really tired early on and went to bed at around 8pm. Woke up and got up again at 1:35 am. Been at Twitter a lot since then while also trying to finish this post. Looks like it is nearly finished now.  I can’t find much more to add to it.

Goodbye 2010 !

Ok, I promised to return to the topic of why I wish this year to end quickly. Well, here I am and its New Years Eve. All ready to type away.  I have made a previous post about how my life turned out this year for those who might be interested to read it or perhaps read it again…  But, there are other reasons for wanting this year 2010 to end. Reasons that have more to do with the world outside than my small and insignificant life.

Let’s start off easy with the place where I live. This little community located not far from the big capital city of Stockholm have this year seen the rise of a political party with only one goal: to break this small community away from the municipality and form a new one. All this has to do with money and taxes. The people living in this little community are for the most part ordinary people with decent income who seem to think that the taxes they pay should only benefit this little community and not also the rest of the municipality to which it belongs. I do not support this egocentric way of thinking and hope that this new party will not succeed in their mission.

Next reason for why this year should end quickly is located at the national level. Our government. This years general election did not end well for the party I support but what’s worse is that a small right-wing party which is considered to be racist in its political views gained enough votes to win seats in the parliament. I am sad to see this happen in my country.

The ruling alliance of parties who were elected to govern Sweden four years ago remains in power after this years election but with a loss of the majority in the parliament. This has had very little effect so far and the alliance has continued its policy of increasing the differences between rich and poor, employed and unemployed and last but not least healthy and sick. This is done through tax cuts and other measures for the wealthy, healthy and employed and through decreasing aid to the poor, unemployed and ill. This policy has affected me a lot during the past four years and will continue through the coming years if I don’t get lucky and manage to find someone who will want to employ me. I had high hopes for a change of policy in Sweden if a new government had been elected but this failed. There were not enough people who wanted a change to take place.  Solidarity has more or less fallen by the roadside during the last decade or so. Egoism seems to be rule from the top to the bottom of society. Maybe this will start to change by next year but I seriously doubt it will.

Last but not least: the world. No end here to finding reasons why this year 2010 sucked and needs to end quickly. Wars, escalating conflicts, terrorism (even in Stockholm), social tensions, religious conflicts, fanaticism, global financial crisis, banks going bankrupt, increasing unemployment, volcanoes erupting, floods, famine, snowstorms, ice storms, heavy rain, strong winds, freezing cold, heatwaves, Wikileaks controversy,  several nations economies collapsing, global warming, climate change…

The list goes on and on. Of course the end of 2010 will not mean the end to or solution of any of the above and the start of 2011 will not affect any of these things right away but perhaps the new year can bring with it the notion that everything eventually has an end and that change is and always will be not only possible but will also be coming and happening whether we like it or not.

Happy New Year !