New Year’s Day

Woke up in the afternoon after going to sleep late. Had a wonderful fun night in a chatroom of a friend. Not often I get to celebrate both Christmas and New Year‘s Eve with friends online.  I am very happy for the way this holiday season turned out. Only have a few minor regrets.

I forget myself sometimes and express myself a bit too freely and without thought. I guess I’m only human and can’t always keep a lid on my feelings even though I try to remember what it’s all about and that I have made up my mind about it already. Still, can’t deny there’s a part of me who will always wish it was different. Against all logic and reason. I think that’s only human too. Without hopes and dreams where would anyone be and what would the world be like? Not a place I’d want to be in, that’s for sure.

A new year means a fresh start  - or at least a chance to make a fresh start. I will try to take that chance once more. Not that I have any real specific resolution but I have made a kind of promise to myself to make the best of everything and try to always find a way to move forward instead of giving up when the road seems dark or when a goal seems out of reach.

Plans for the new year include getting a hair cut, some better style of appearance and a more active approach to job searching. I also want to put a lot of effort into my writing projects so that they may help me find a job I would really like to do.

On the more personal level I have to say that being the eternal lonely single guy is making me crazy. However, after having tried so many times in so many ways over so many years to change that fact and always seemed to fail, I’m frankly scared of even mentioning any kind of  wish to change my status but I know that deep down that is still my most sacred dream and one that I would like to make come true if I could only figure out how. I have probably used the wrong ways to do it and in a lot of wrong places and with a lot of wrong words and actions over the past 25 years but I never thought it would be such a chore, that it would be so difficult.

For a long time I thought it was only because of my social awkwardness and shyness I had such trouble but then I started to suspect I had other problems. Not being able to understand communication the right way. Not able to pick up signals. Not willing to take enough risks. Not enough confidence and courage.

Then I thought about it again and started to doubt those reasons too.  Wrong place, wrong time and wrong approach are what I think are the reasons now for my lack of progress in this area.  Too high standards and unrealistic expectations play a part. Also my total lack of experience in anything other than failure makes it hard to know what to do to succeed.

I’ve had help from some friends over the years but without much result. Still, I’ve been happy for the help and advice I’ve gotten. In all honesty I must also confess to having given up on the whole idea for long periods of time. Many times I’ve spent countless hours of thinking about it only to end up with giving it all up and letting things be even though the wish, the dream to change it has always remained in the back of my mind.

Lastly, my very romantic and unrealistic view of women as goddesses to be worshiped has most likely not helped me much either. I may have mostly abandoned this notion for the last 10 years but even after having a more realistic view of women as simply equal and regular fellow human beings, I’ve not gotten any closer to making my dream real.

Yet at the start of each new year I hope that this will be the time when I figure it all out and manage to make my dream real. Not having to spend another year alone is what I keep hoping for.

There’s one more thing I’d like to change.  My financial status. Right now, it’s poor. With hard work and some luck I wish to change that. I hope to do it during this year but I don’t know how long it will take. I only know I want to change it for the better.  To do it I have some ideas.

Today I will spend what remains of the day relaxing and keeping my mind off of all these things though.

Peace.

Christmas Day 2011

Woke up late on Christmas day after a good night’s sleep. I had the good fortune of going to bed with a smile on my face and a good feeling after a mostly not very happy Christmas eve. Last thing I did before going to sleep was to spend a little time online in a chatroom of a friend. This managed to change my mood for the better and listening to a Christmas story also helped.

After breakfast which was more like lunch I spent my Christmas day in a relaxed manner. While it was still daylight I went for a drive around the neighbourhood and got some groceries. Then I watched some movies – Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Black Swan and Step Brothers. I also started to read the book I got from my brother for Christmas.

In the afternoon I sent a text message to a friend I had not had any news from for at least 6 months. It was only a Christmas greeting and I didn’t expect any reply. However a few hours later I got a reply – a Christmas greeting. This made me smile. Then I thought about sending another message to find out how things are going but I didn’t. Not sure if I should or not. Sometimes it might be better to hold off.

Late in the evening a heavy storm swept  across the countryside. Power went out during the night and most of the following day. Trees fell across the roads, on cars and buildings.
Spent most of my Monday by the window to get enough light to read and heated some food over the fire in the fireplace downstairs. When darkness started to fall, the power came back on and I decided to update my blog.

Will probably spend my evening reading, watching movies and listening to music.

Peace.

 

Christmas dinner 2011

MoonieZ’s traditional Christmas dinner table 2011.  There was boiled ham, sausage, meatballs, pickled herring, mustard, prunes, apple sauce, herring salad, beetroot salad, stockfish, potatoes, bread and Edam cheese.

Christmas 2011

Hello.  It’s Christmas Eve. Merry Christmas to all my readers and followers of this blog. I hope you all are having a happy holiday season.

I’m not having a good day today, but I will survive.

Have had a lot of arguments with my mother and I feel somewhat depressed. Have felt depressed for a long time.

I thought I had sorted things out at one point but it seems I’ve only imagined I had. My life is not happening and I no longer know what to do. I just want to get away from myself.

Woke up today very early after sleeping badly and having a dream I thought was real. Had a lot to do to prepare for Christmas dinner with my  mother and my oldest brother and his wife.

While I was busy with this and feeling stressed and unhappy I remembered how Christmas used to be when I was growing up and when I was younger.

For many years I looked forward to Christmas. I used to really love seeing my brothers and their families and enjoyed all the food and presents and every other tradition.
Since my father’s death, however, I’ve had a growing feeling of not enjoying Christmas as much. Things changed, people have changed but still everyone seems to cling to the idea of Christmas always being the same traditional celebration as ever before. Only nobody really like it as much anymore. It’s so obvious that its more of a chore than a celebration. No matter that most of the food is no longer cooked from scratch and that we no longer give presents or even have Christmas tree indoors.

Still, I feel bad for not enjoying Christmas as much as before and for not feeling happy but only stressed and tired. Most of all I wish to spend my holiday relaxing and just enjoy some good company, talk, read, listen to music, watch some TV.

I got a book as a Christmas present from my brother the chef/drummer. A book about the leader of the band my brother used to be in during the late 1970′s.  It’s a nice , heavy book and I’m happy to have it but at the same time I feel guilty for not having anything to give in return.

My oldest brother gave me a book for Christmas too. A book about depressions and how to deal with such feelings and problems. I know he cares but still I feel like I’m only a burden to everyone and that I should just cheer up and at least pretend to be happy and without any worries.

The food was good though and I’ve had a lot of it as usual. Same story every year.

Now I hope to enjoy some Christmas peace and then go to sleep.

Don’t know what I’ll be doing tomorrow. As little as possible is my wish.

Peace.

 

Christmas songs on the bus

On the bus back home from the office today, the driver had a radio station on that was only playing Christmas songs. I could like the first one because it was Bruce Springsteen’s version of Merry Christmas Baby but then it started to get ridiculous pretty soon as one Christmas tune followed the other. The last one I heard was Bing Crosby singing White Christmas. Even if I like that song, hearing it everyday from the last day of November until Christmas Day makes me slightly annoyed. I usually save those songs for the days around Christmas and try to avoid listening too much before that. Same goes for the traditional Christmas food.

Old times II – The end

[First draft written January 19,2011. Published March 10, 2011. Edited October 30, 2011. ]

Right.  Again a return to the scene of the crime.

Winter, January. 1986. Another time, another place. The hallways of the local high school. Seated on the floor along the wall the triumvirate: MoonieZ, the Intellectual and Nose-Picking Drummer.

Remember the first part of this epic? If not, who’s to blame you?

Anyway, there they were. Caught up in one of their endless debates about what was wrong with the world and how they could solve everything if they were given absolute power to rule. I promised I would introduce MoonieZ’s friends, classmates, at a later time. That time has now come.

First, the Intellectual. Of course this guy had a common name like everyone else but for reasons of creative freedom I choose to present him as the Intellectual. This guy liked to read, listen to music, lecture everyone about his superiority  and always managed to stir up arguments. He claimed to be liberal and was not fond of the then ruling Social Democratic Party or the general state of the Swedish society.  The  other guy –  Nose-Picking Drummer – was not as interested in politics but had a tendency to label most things discussed as “bizarre”. That was his most often used word: bizarre. Everything and everybody could at any given moment be labelled bizarre. That, the fact that he never stopped picking his nose and that he used to break wind at not too suitable times, made him the perfect third wheel (well…as perfect as was possible).  That he knew how to play the drums and had some grasp of rock’n'roll music was a bonus. MoonieZ accepted that his friends at school were somewhat odd because he was somewhat odd too. He also appreciated to have some people to talk to. Pass the time between classes.

However this January MoonieZ’s thoughts were often elsewhere while the triumvirate debated the latest global problems. MoonieZ had his mind focused on that girl in his class who had suddenly started to talk to him about a year ago.  He could not understand why. His mind had been constantly occupied by trying to figure out why this beautiful girl had suddenly started to talk to him. Out of the blue. At a time when there was nobody else around. Talked to him like they were friends, like she knew him. From that moment MoonieZ had thought of ways to communicate his thoughts and feelings because to simply tell her how he felt about her was out of the question. That would be too easy. And easy was not MoonieZ’s game.

So, he had written her a letter. In English. Sent it during the Christmas break and was now waiting for the reaction. MoonieZ’s mind was set on complete failure. Disaster to be precise. Nothing else could possibly happen. Yet, somewhere down at the bottom of his heart he had another optional outcome hidden. Very well hidden. So well hidden that nobody else could possibly ever guess. Or so he thought. The truth was he had the word CRUSH written all over him in bright shining letters. Everybody could see it from miles away but MoonieZ could not. To him ,his appearance was perfectly innocent. Not a hint of a crush on anyone.  A straight face.

The endless winter days rolled on at their own gloomy pace until the day arrived when MoonieZ got home from school, opened the mailbox and found – a letter. What else. Well, for the sake of the story he could have found a bomb. Would  have made things slightly less predictable. Don’t you think ? I try not to.

MoonieZ opened the letter, read it and suddenly felt very happy. He would be able to go to school the next day without fear of ridicule – and – he had a friend.  Maybe not exactly what he had hoped for but close enough to be considered half a victory. He immediately started writing a reply. Still in English. It would take a few letters before he managed to write them in Swedish without feeling too awkward. But that’s another story. If it will be told or not depends on if I feel like telling it.

Peace!

Monday is here again

So this is Monday…and what have I learned…? Just about nothing at all. However Christmas is over. Went out to shop some groceries yesterday. Not much traffic and not too cold. Found some bargains on Christmas candy so of course I had to buy more than I had planned. But it’s only Christmas once a year.  Probably good. More Christmas would kill the planet eventually. People get up at 6 am Christmas Day to go shopping for electronic devices on sale… I think something is going seriously wrong when shopping has taken the place of almost everything. Religion doesn’t matter (not that it matters to me but for a lot of other people around the world it still seems to matter a bit). Politics doesn’t matter much (as long as you have your income and are able to shop and entertain yourself). Family doesn’t matter (unless you all go shopping together?). Only shopping matters. Or so it seems. Maybe I’m simply overreacting after having had three straight days of rest and too much food and drink but it seems every year around this time these thoughts enter my brain. I’m sorry if I am repeating myself. So I will change the topic of this post. Just don’t have any idea what to write right now  so I’ll be back later.

The day after…

Hello….Have you all survived Christmas ? I did. I have. Been eating a lot. Had a good time. Feel very relaxed and spend my time watching TV and reading  the book I got from my brother for Christmas. The weather yesterday felt colder than it actually was due to strong winds. Was only out for a short time to go light a candle at my father’s grave. Rest of the day spent indoors with my mother and my brother  and family. Lots of good food. Always the best about Christmas to have all the food and to have time to have a really long dinner. Time to talk as well. Later in the evening I spent some time sending out Christmas greetings to online friends and received some greetings too.  Slept well and woke up late. Have had another relaxed day. My nephew visited for a while. Spending the rest of the time reading and watching TV and catching up on what’s going on online. Tomorrow I might go out but I only if the weather is not too bad.

Merry Christmas !

Bing Crosby – White Christmas

Wishing all my friends from near and far a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!  Be safe, have fun and may all your wishes come true !

Cold

Cold weather. Lots of snow. Feels like Winter. Been having car trouble but solved them. The locks were frozen. Luckily I was able to fix it. Don’t know for how long though when it’s below -20 Celsius at night. Anyway nothing else to do because can’t change the weather.

One more day and then it’ll be Christmas eve. I haven’t been a good boy so I will not get any Christmas presents. Santa has me on his banned list. Of that I’m pretty sure but no hard feelings I still like Santa Claus, at least when I watch the Disney special on Christmas eve. This show has been broadcast every year since the early 1960′s or maybe even longer than that on Swedish Public Television. These days I think there are mostly adults of all ages watching because kids have the Disney Channel broadcasting every day of the year lately. For the kids of today cartoons on Christmas is nothing special but it used to be a very big deal for their parents and grandparents even. Back in the days of my growing up there were hardly any cartoons at all on TV so the Disney Christmas special was something to look forward to the whole year. Now it’s a tradition over here. No Christmas without Donald Duck on TV…. So after eating the traditional Christmas food, we gather round the TV set and watch Disney cartoons before Santa’s arrival to deliver the presents.

Anyway there’s not much going on except writing and sending job applications and waiting for a reply. And of course shovelling snow away as fast as possible but having nowhere to put it.

Ending now because I should get some sleep. Got a lot to do tomorrow so that Christmas can begin.