Marching on to March

Hello, it’s early morning March 1.

I hope you are not asleep because this is my first post this month. Of course this post just might put you to sleep but that’s another matter.

I woke up at 4am for no reason and happened to see I had missed seeing a friend who was online. For a minute or two I thought about going back to sleep or if I should check if my friend would still be on. Finally I got up and walked over to my computer to check. Luckily I wasn’t totally too late. Even more luckily I don’t have to go to the office today and tomorrow it’s closed so I have a long weekend even if I still have things to do so I’m not actually off for two days, only for one but it’s still good.

This week has not been too good until today. I’ve had a lot of pain and problems and been feeling rather depressed for many reasons. Sometimes the reality of my situation gets the better of me. And everything else that has gone wrong or seems to go wrong does not make me any less sad.

I’m feeling used up and lost. Broken. Nothing really matters anymore.  I mostly have nightmares and sometimes even my daydreams turn out bad. I worry  and I can’t find any peace or happiness. Well, nobody likes to hear about this so I won’t dwell on it too long.

Maybe it will change, maybe I can make it change. Time will tell.

Right now I’m at least glad I’ve had some fun seeing a friend.

 

Sometimes

Sometimes it’s good to stop and not rush in like a fool. I was about to update this sooner but I’m glad I didn’t. That text would not have been clever if it had been written and published then. At that time I didn’t have all the facts and would have risked jumping to conclusions, the wrong conclusions. Now that the facts are in I am able to write something better.

Yesterday I didn’t do much of anything. I had been awake almost to 6am hoping to have a little fun in a chatroom but instead I spent the night waiting. Needless to say after that adventure I was tired because I slept only about 4 hours before getting up again.  Not much later my mother invited me to have dinner at the local pizza place so we went there in the early afternoon and had some pizza before going grocery shopping and then returning home.

The rest of the evening I spent watching the live broadcast of Whitney Houston’s funeral service online  and later I also watched the third qualifying competition of the Swedish Song Contest on public television.

Before going to sleep I looked around at chatrooms and took a quick look at Chatroulette. I also looked at my Tumblr dashboard. Feeling slightly bored and tired I fell asleep after midnight. Slept well and woke up around 6am then went back to sleep for another 3 hours.

Got up and got dressed at around 9:30am.  Checked Twitter and read some posts. Went out and removed some snow, got the morning paper and returned inside to read it. Got a call from my uncle asking if I would like to go to the theater. I didn’t really feel like it but eventually I said I would go. He had a ticket left over due to another person’s illness and didn’t want it to go to waste.

The play was a production of  Noel Coward‘s Brief Encounter where the live action on stage was integrated with filmed sequences shown on a screen above the stage. It was an entertaining show but I can’t say it was the best I’ve ever seen. At one point I even started to fall asleep which was odd since the play is only about 90 minutes long.

I went to buy some groceries on the way home and got back just as it started to snow. Had dinner and then went to check out the latest news from the online world.

Soon I will have a shower and then I have a few more hours to kill before going to sleep again.  Another weekend over and done.

Peace.

 

News from the life of me

Latest news.

The past week was a tragedy. Ok, perhaps it’s pathetic to feel sad about the loss of a car but I do. Feel sad. I liked to drive. The car worked very well up until the weekend before last. Then the cold came and first it seemed only the battery needed charging. Then after a few days there was a strange sound coming from the engine. Not all the time but it kept returning and the last day it was there all the time the engine was running. Still I could not imagine it being a serious problem. Not until he car suddenly died. Then it was over.

To repair would cost a lot more than what the car is worth and that’s not an option due to my situation. So, no more driving.

Of course, for many years before I learned to drive I got by with walking, biking and public transportation but it will be hard to adjust back to that now. Being able to drive was freedom  - pure and simple. I will miss that freedom a lot.

Valentine’s Day was on Tuesday. I didn’t get many greetings but a few. Sent out only a few too, and only one card.  In the evening I had some fun seeing a friend for a chat.

On Wednesday I worked from home. Went to get a much-needed hair cut, so now I no longer look like a heavy metal fan or hippie anymore. Now I look like a respectable person.

It snowed a lot on Wednesday so I had some to shovel. Wouldn’t be much of a chore if it weren’t for the pain from my kidney stones. I know I ought to see a doctor about it but I’m still hoping it will be ok by itself somehow.

I know that’s stupid but I still remember how I spent years trying to recover from my leg problems without the doctors being able to do much about it. In the end they healed without any doctor even knowing why and without any help from the treatment.

Today I feel tired and should probably try to be productive and get some of my writing done. Make some effort to solve this limbo I find myself in. I’ve almost spent a year at the office and although I’ve made some results I’m still without employment and not getting any younger. The more time I spend out of work the harder it will be to find someone willing to employ me.

What still gets me to get up in the morning is the feeling of not having any other option than to keep on trying. Keep on living. Keep seeing my few friends and keep hope alive. It gets harder to do though.

In a few weeks there’s a convention in town that I will probably visit. Maybe it will give me some new ideas about how to move forward.

Seems new ideas is what I need the most.

Peace.

 

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Hi there…

Yes, I’m still alive. I know I haven’t been writing much here lately. I’ve been too lazy. I haven’t been too busy. I have been doing things but mostly I’ve been sleeping. Well, not only sleeping. I’ve been at the office, I’ve been at home and I’ve been eating too much, gained too much weight,  been feeling a bit down and out and somewhat depressed. Lonely. Confused. Not in tune with anything.

So this weekend I’ve enjoyed some fun times and seen a good friend. Suddenly I feel reborn. Funny how some late night fun can change my mood and my outlook on life. Or at least turn it around for the better. I woke up smiling this afternoon. Haven’t felt like that in too long. Decided to just be in that feeling and not do too much. Of course I had my usual urge to send countless tweets and emails to my good friend to let her know just how good I’m feeling today but then I stopped in my tracks and decided to not do my usual stunts. Instead I’m going to keep myself under control and let my friend have her weekend in peace without my urgency.

So I’ve let my Sunday unfold in about the same manner as most other Sundays. Been reading the morning paper. Had an early dinner. Listened to music ,watched some videos and looked through my Tumblr dashboard. Backed up some files. Cleaned up the hard drive. Listened to more music. Watched some TV, read some news.  Had a shower. Plan to go to sleep early and be ready to start a new week in a good way.

Other notes. My old friend has not answered my last email so I’m guessing I can let that whole thing rest and remain a fond memory.

I’ve been looking for a direction but haven’t really found one. I have plans and ideas but I seem to have trouble making them happen, turning them into something real.

Always been a problem.

I don’t want to spend any more time living in my head. I’ll be 45 this year. I have to grow up now. Start to act my age. Only one problem – I find growing up to be a bit boring. I don’t even know what it really means. Once long ago I thought I had grown up. I acted like someone a lot older than my actual age. Then I lost that somehow. Probably I got scared of life after my father died. Or I started to think of living as pointless, a long wait for the end that no one can escape. So – maybe I should set out to find God? Not my cup of tea, old boy. I believe in humanity and in human beings and that’s all the faith I need.

Been watching lots of movies the past weeks. Too many to mention. Most of them were good entertainment. Some were a bit boring. Some I haven’t been able to finish. Like Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. I hope to finish watching during the coming week.

Once more I’ve managed to write a post with no real point to it and going all over the map in terms of topics.  That’s how my mind works when I set it free.

Hope it hasn’t been a waste of your time to read this.

Peace.

Wednesday words

Yes it’s me again. I can’t help it. I have to write. What about, I don’t know. Something or other. I’ve done a lot of writing today. Also did a lot of laundry and some other chores and helped my mother do some shopping and did look for some jobs but without much luck. However, I am not giving up. Someday I’m going to get out of this situation I’m in. Someday I will get myself out of this. Somehow. I’m working on it.

I’m not spending much time at the chatrooms lately. I have started watching movies and TV series instead. One can say I’m taking a break from the cam/chat scene. Been a lot of it for many years now and I think I should take it easy for some time. See if I can find some other things to do in my spare time. Not that I don’t have fun when I chat but I still like to rest now and then and in the past I used to be at more than one place and for the past two years I’ve only been at one place and it starts to get a bit too much.  Also I’ve lost track of many nice people I used to chat to from time to time. Some have left the business some are just gone anyway and others are not around a lot but I still see them when they are. Things change and people change and that’s just how it is.

Today has been a regular Wednesday. Nothing much to say about it. Been watching TV this evening and some episodes of NYPD Blue on dvd. I wonder why I didn’t watch that show while it was new. I guess I never got into it as much as I did Hill Street Blues and L.A. Law but now I find it interesting enough to watch. I’m probably a bit behind the times when it comes to TV shows.

Well I will watch some more and then get to sleep. Another day at the office tomorrow.

Peace.

Saturday and Sunday report

Hello,

I haven’t forgotten to write about my weekend. Just didn’t feel like writing yesterday. I spent most of my Sunday daydreaming to be honest. Daydreaming of you again.

Anyway my Saturday evening was nice and the night was even nicer. I was really happy to see you and chat again. It had been a long time and I noticed I was not as good as I used to be. My typing was slow and I didn’t know what to say and I felt shy but I enjoyed very much to hang out and just be there. I know why I have such trouble to chat, I haven’t done it much for a long time and seem to have lost the speed I used to have. When I was at my best I used to be fast to respond and always know what to say and also able to be funny.  Now I’m not much fun but I try to find my way back to where I used to be.

Went to sleep around 5:00 am and slept to about 11:30 am Sunday. Got up, had a bit of breakfast, read the paper and then went for a drive to fill up some gas and buy some stuff for the car. Light rain and a very dull and cloudy afternoon but driving was fun.  After having rice and chicken  for dinner I spent my evening relaxing, listening to music, tweeting and tumblr-ing. Later I had a shower.

Went to sleep at around midnight.

Monday night

Night was fun. I saw a friend I hadn’t seen for a month.

The waiting almost drove me out of my mind. I felt like I had lost it at times. But it wasn’t just missing my friend that was tough. As I have written in previous posts I have had other reasons for feeling depressed and sad lately.

On Monday night I felt happy though.  Almost forgotten how good happy feels. There have been happy moments before of course but this night was special.

Peace.

10 years down the road

It’s been 10 years of going to cam sites. Ten years of chatting away the days and nights…Well, some afternoons, some evenings, some mornings and some nights. Last year or two a lot of nights in fact. Not saying I regret spending all this time. I’ve had loads of fun and I’ve enjoyed getting to know some very nice people. Across the internet. Often I’ve thought of what I would have been doing all these years if there had been no internet. Would I have ventured out in the “real” world and spent as much time talking to and getting to know people? Probably not. And they wouldn’t have been the same people. Maybe a few would still have been from other parts of the world but most wouldn’t have been. That’s why I prefer the internet and the chat rooms. The world seems to be closer and I’ve learned a lot about the world that I could not have learned without the internet unless I had done a lot more travelling.

My latest chat though I wasn’t really feeling too good. I did have a headache but it wasn’t the only reason for me leaving earlier then usual. Even before the night was over. The reason I didn’t mention was that I felt sad and depressed and didn’t want to ruin anybody’s fun. I couldn’t find anything good to say and I just wanted to go away and hide. After that time, I’ve been thinking. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be spending time online at chat rooms. There are very few people I really wish to continue seeing and keep in touch with. I also think that there’s a time for everything but that now it might be time to move on. Not that I’m leaving my friends but I think I won’t be spending the same amount of time as I have in the past. I not only think so, I have already cut down a lot. Even though I’m logged in I don’t chat much at all unless a friend is on.

Well, I guess this wasn’t the fun and entertaining post you were hoping to read today but hey, it’s only the first of November – I might still surprise you all some…

Peace.

HGC

Just for fun I took the quiz I found at this blog. My result was pretty good: 93 points. This made me into a HGC (Holy grail customer) which made me smile. I think I ought have learned something from 10 years spent at various camsites. So if you are a regular at camsites you ought to take this quiz too and find out where you stand.

Weekend spent

Hey it’s me again! Your friendly morale officer Moonshine Glowsinthedark. I’m here to tell you how I spent my weekend.

Saturday & Sunday.

1. Went to sleep at 4 am or something, Saturday morning. Little hard to remember as I was not awake. 2. Got up again at some point. 3. Checked Twitter, Tumblr & email. 4. Checked the cam site MFC. 5. Listened to music. 6. Didn’t have breakfast but started eating chocolate. 7. Must have watched pictures and/or videos because I seem to remember having masturbated at some point during the day. 8. Started to feel ill or sick in the early afternoon. 9. Went to have a nap while getting dinner ready or after or before, not really sure. 10. Slept a bit after dinner too. Felt better. 11. Got back to reading tweets and listening to music. 12. Was at MFC for a bit looking around. 18. Checked Tumblr and re-blogged a lot of stuff. 19. Fell asleep sitting at computer. 20. Woke up and was awake a  while. 21 Decided to sleep in bed and went to bed. Got up again around midnight and checked the usual stuff.  22. Felt sleepy around 3 am and went back to sleep. 23. Woke up again at 8 am. Got up. 24. Checked Twitter. Checked Tumblr and checked MFC. 25. Listened to music through Spotify and decided to write a blog post. 26. Started writing but stopped after a few sentences to watch a video. 27. Daydreamed a while. 28. Watched video again  while beginning to masturbate. 29. Interrupted by uncle coming to visit. 30. Helped uncle to check the car to prepare for inspection tomorrow morning. 31. Back at computer. Checked Twitter & Tumblr. 32. Decided to write this blog post. 33. Wrote this blog post. 34. Published this blog post. 35. Will masturbate again since I didn’t get to finish before. 36. Later I will try to have a quick shower and wash my hair even though the water is not really warm enough. Must have that fixed very soon. 37. Rest of evening don’t know what I’ll do but probably much of the same as the other evening. 38. Go to sleep at a decent hour.

Peace.