Happy!

I’m happy today. I got my text back from the teacher and I have passed. Which means I’m finally finished with my studies at the University and can now collect my degree. I’m now officially educated. Only took 14 years to do it. Well 4 years of full-time study and then a few months writing and reading after a 10 year long  break. Not intended but that’s how it is. I’m glad to be done.

Now I can start looking for other types of work and even  have the chance to be able to get a job doing something else than what I’ve done so far.

That certain girl

I know how it started. I remember who that certain girl was. The years have passed but the memories remain. It was probably at school. I’m certain it was at school. As a young child growing up I had very few friends. I remember playing with some of the other kids living along the same street but I can only remember one real friend from those years.  A boy of the same age. We remained friends up to around 12 years old. Then he began to not want to hang out with me because he wanted to be with the older kids and I was still very much a child. Didn’t care for the same things so the friendship faded out.

Anyway, this post is not about that. This post is about that certain girl. In the first years of school she was a blonde girl in my class. I had a crush for a while. At that age it was not easy to identify what the feeling was but I remember I really liked her. For a while. I never really knew her but I liked her. A few years passed and that certain girl became a brunette. Probably because I had seen Star Wars and developed a crush on Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher) so that certain girl at school had to look somewhat like Princess Leia – or at least be a brunette. There happened to be one certain girl in my class who was a brunette and actually looked a little like Princess Leia.  I never got to know her though – not more than as a friend in class. Probably just as well. She never knew about how I felt anyway. I didn’t really mind at that age. I prefered to keep my feelings to myself as I was a bullied boy. And shy, and insecure and scared of my own shadow. Well not really. With the exception of school being a pain due to the bullying, I was feeling safe and secure and enjoyed creating my own world in my mind.

Another couple of years passed and that certain girl was a blonde. Not one in my class but in  another one, at the bigger school I had recently started at. That certain girl was very pretty and I guess I really fell for her. Except she never knew about it. Not that I didn’t try to let her know in my own very twisted way. I was thirteen but not at all sure about what I was feeling actually was. So I remember writing some kind of letter. If I ever sent it is a matter of debate. I might have but I can no longer remember. Anyway that certain girl never knew about my feelings, of that I’m sure. And I didn’t really mind. Everything was still very innocent. At least in my world.

Another year or year and a half passed and that certain girl was a brunette. I guess the reader can now sense a certain pattern emerging. I certainly do sense a pattern. This certain girl was in my class and I actually talked to her before having a crush and even during the crush and also after. What was talked about was actually nothing special, mostly about school and studying but still it was talking to a certain girl, and you have to start somewhere.

Then I left for high school and got into a new class. That certain girl was now a…brunette again. Sorry, so much for a pattern. Anyway, I remember talking to that certain girl a bit now and then but she never really knew me and she never knew how I felt about her.  Maybe half a year later that certain girl was a blonde. This time it all started because she approached me. I was minding my own business and didn’t really care much about her before she suddenly talked to me a lot. I didn’t even know how to respond for some time but gradually I probably fell in love with her. I do remember being madly in love and wanting to do something about but not knowing what or how. I wrote a letter asking to be friends. Yes, I was a coward then too. So it became a kind of awkward friendship that lasted a few years beyond school but it kind of ended when I told her of my true feelings and got rejected by the words “I’ve never seen you as anything but a friend”. I was devastated, dead. It took many years to recover from that day.

So many years that I was around 24 before I ever let myself feel anything towards a certain girl again and this time that certain girl was a brunette. She worked at the same store as I did and she was a few years older and I think she flirted with me but I was too shy and scared to respond but inside I of course fell fo her instantly. Never dared to even try to find out what could have been as I was too afraid of rejection.

A year or two later that certain girl was a blonde. Again she worked at the same store as I did and this time around I did my best to be mature about the matter. Whatever mature means…I’m still not sure I’ve figured that one out. Anyway I remained calm and let things run its own pace. Which means that nothing ever happened. I think it was just as well.

Shortly after this I started at the University and after about 6 months that certain girl was a blonde again. I remember she smiled at me once and that was about all it took. Well I admit I just let my imagination run away with me this time. I think I even tried to let her know about my feelings but as usual I wasn’t too good at being straight forward about the whole affair so it ended in nothing.

Then the years passed and I devoted my time to studying. Around the last year of study I encountered a certain girl online and I found myself having those loving feelings again. Much to my surprise. Anyway the whole thing developed into some kind of friendship for a year or two but nothing was really serious, I guess. Looking back I can only feel like a fool when I think of how I felt and acted but it was a learning experience.

Almost right away after this that certain girl was once again a blonde (however not a real blonde, I learned after a while) and this time I was not looking for love but instead some kind of love happened over time. It took a few years of close friendship but then there was a time of real love, real feelings and I almost acted upon it but was too scared to really do anything. I had health problems during most of this time so I blamed that for never meeting that certain girl in real life. The feelings of love faded and the friendship remained but started to fade too as time passed and things happened in our lives. However this certain girl remains the best friend I’ve had so far. I am very happy for everything this experience taught me about myself and about others.

What about now? Is there another certain girl? What do you think?

Peace.

It’s Monday evening

Hello, I’m back!

Where did I go? Nowhere.

But I’m back to tell the world I’m alive. Also that the text I have been struggling with for months is now very,very nearly all done. I have only to add a few details and then this nightmare will be over. Then I hope the text will be approved by the teacher at the university so that I can collect my degree. At last. Only 10 years overdue. It certainly feel good to be able to look for work with a degree from the university. Might open some other roads to travel along.  So this was the first good news of the day.

The second good news is that the car is repaired and will be ready to use in just a few weeks. I do look forward to drive again. Will make life easier around here.

So today has been a pretty good day so far. My only hope is that things continue to be good. It would be nice to have some days of good news now.

Even though the clouds have gathered and the rain has started to fall I feel pretty good. I have things to be happy about. Not just the good news of today. So it means my blog posts will not be very good but I don’t care. I prefer to be happy if there is a choice to be made. The best would be to have both. Don’t know what the odds are for that happening.

Peace.

Old times II – The end

[First draft written January 19,2011. Published March 10, 2011. Edited October 30, 2011. ]

Right.  Again a return to the scene of the crime.

Winter, January. 1986. Another time, another place. The hallways of the local high school. Seated on the floor along the wall the triumvirate: MoonieZ, the Intellectual and Nose-Picking Drummer.

Remember the first part of this epic? If not, who’s to blame you?

Anyway, there they were. Caught up in one of their endless debates about what was wrong with the world and how they could solve everything if they were given absolute power to rule. I promised I would introduce MoonieZ’s friends, classmates, at a later time. That time has now come.

First, the Intellectual. Of course this guy had a common name like everyone else but for reasons of creative freedom I choose to present him as the Intellectual. This guy liked to read, listen to music, lecture everyone about his superiority  and always managed to stir up arguments. He claimed to be liberal and was not fond of the then ruling Social Democratic Party or the general state of the Swedish society.  The  other guy –  Nose-Picking Drummer – was not as interested in politics but had a tendency to label most things discussed as “bizarre”. That was his most often used word: bizarre. Everything and everybody could at any given moment be labelled bizarre. That, the fact that he never stopped picking his nose and that he used to break wind at not too suitable times, made him the perfect third wheel (well…as perfect as was possible).  That he knew how to play the drums and had some grasp of rock’n'roll music was a bonus. MoonieZ accepted that his friends at school were somewhat odd because he was somewhat odd too. He also appreciated to have some people to talk to. Pass the time between classes.

However this January MoonieZ’s thoughts were often elsewhere while the triumvirate debated the latest global problems. MoonieZ had his mind focused on that girl in his class who had suddenly started to talk to him about a year ago.  He could not understand why. His mind had been constantly occupied by trying to figure out why this beautiful girl had suddenly started to talk to him. Out of the blue. At a time when there was nobody else around. Talked to him like they were friends, like she knew him. From that moment MoonieZ had thought of ways to communicate his thoughts and feelings because to simply tell her how he felt about her was out of the question. That would be too easy. And easy was not MoonieZ’s game.

So, he had written her a letter. In English. Sent it during the Christmas break and was now waiting for the reaction. MoonieZ’s mind was set on complete failure. Disaster to be precise. Nothing else could possibly happen. Yet, somewhere down at the bottom of his heart he had another optional outcome hidden. Very well hidden. So well hidden that nobody else could possibly ever guess. Or so he thought. The truth was he had the word CRUSH written all over him in bright shining letters. Everybody could see it from miles away but MoonieZ could not. To him ,his appearance was perfectly innocent. Not a hint of a crush on anyone.  A straight face.

The endless winter days rolled on at their own gloomy pace until the day arrived when MoonieZ got home from school, opened the mailbox and found – a letter. What else. Well, for the sake of the story he could have found a bomb. Would  have made things slightly less predictable. Don’t you think ? I try not to.

MoonieZ opened the letter, read it and suddenly felt very happy. He would be able to go to school the next day without fear of ridicule – and – he had a friend.  Maybe not exactly what he had hoped for but close enough to be considered half a victory. He immediately started writing a reply. Still in English. It would take a few letters before he managed to write them in Swedish without feeling too awkward. But that’s another story. If it will be told or not depends on if I feel like telling it.

Peace!

Nostalgia

Image via Wikipedia

I remember the early February days back in 1986. Last half of the last year of highschool had just begun.  Walking home from the bus station after having gone through another day of school. Probably thinking of some movie I had seen – or some book I was reading. Hearing the sound of some song in my head. Softly singing the words to myself. Might have been some tune off of Jackson Browne‘s album Lives In The Balance but it may also have been one from Steve Winwood, John Mellencamp or Bruce Springsteen. The full catastrophe of our prime minister being shot dead in the street while on his way home from a cinema had yet to hit the nation. Things were pretty good and as normal as normal can be.

Why do I think of this now ? I was watching  music video clips on YouTube today and suddenly had some flashbacks from when I first heard the songs.

In those days  I was often thinking of some story to write. Settings, characters and themes, bits and pieces of dialogue were floating through my mind  while I walked the 2ooo meters back home. Also I was most likely thinking of a certain blonde girl in my class whom I happened to have a big crush on at the time. I had just begun to communicate with her through old-school hand-written letters sent by postal mail. That’s what people did back then. They actually sat down with a pen and paper and wrote letters, folded the paper, put it in an envelope and mailed it. Then they waited a few days for the receiver to read and respond to the letter.  It wasn’t all instant like today’s email, chat, twitter and Facebook. Anyway, I had probably just gotten a letter or just sent one and had to think about what would happen next or what the response ought to be. It would still be more than  a month before I would get the letter that would shatter my hopes and dreams but for the time being I was happy to have the connection I had.

What else was I thinking about? Probably politics. I had just recently begun to take an interest in political matters and my freshly formed and rather shallow political views were decidedly left-wing. That was one reason why I bought Jackson Browne’s album. Also I had begun to pick up on some political currents in the music of Springsteen and Mellencamp.

Sweden back in those days had a political climate dominated by the ruling Social Democratic Party (Arbetarepartiet Socialdemokraterna) and the mood  of the society has since  been described as rather dull and  bland. However , I liked living in Sweden back in those days. Unemployment was almost zero, taxes were high but the standard of living was also at the absolute top among the nations of the world. Things worked back then. Life was safe and secure and you didn’t have to worry as much as today. Sure there were only two channels of national public service television available and not too many radio channels. But it worked. It was stable.  The future looked bright as a job would not be too hard to find once school was finished.

While being a rather dull and bland society, Sweden  was and is heavily influenced by American popular culture. To the degree that some critics were saying even back then that Sweden ought to be the 51st state of the United States of America.

We have most of the fast-food franchises (not as many then as  there are today), are influenced by American cuisine, we listen to American music, read American books and magazines,  follow American sports, watch American TV-shows and of course lots of American movies. We wear clothes influenced by American fashion and we are generally skilled at speaking English.

Being a teenager in Sweden was hence not much different  from being a teenager in the United States. At least that was what many  of us believed since not many had actually visited the United States or had any real knowledge of what it actually is like to live in the American society. Our image of American life was formed by TV, music and movies and while not entirely false it was by no means realistic. It was a dream or perhaps a kind of illusion we all  willingly indulged in. Even those of us who  were opposed to the American influence upon the rest of the world.

I’m not sure where I am going with this post so I might aswell end it before I digress further.  At least it is a sort of glimpse of a time long gone. Perhaps.  Maybe only a lot of words.

Here I am again

As usual have no idea what to write. Just know I have to write something.

My day? Pretty ok. Woke up feeling slightly off but as the day went on things started to fall into place and my mood changed for the better. Clearly, I worry too much. I apologize to all friends affected by my worries. I’ll try to better myself. Become more calm and confident. Ok ?

Listening to Dire Straits as I write this. Brings back some memories of times long gone. When life  was simple. You woke up, you went to school, you were in school, you went home, you did homework, you had dinner, you wrote or listened to music or both, you watched TV and you went to sleep. Next day the same as the one before.  I do miss those days sometimes. Nothing to worry about. If something wasn’t good it could only get better later on. You had things to look forward to. Dreams could still come true. Miracles could happen. Things could go your way eventually. The sky was the limit. Then I graduated and started working… Well, I’ve told the story on here already.

Not much of a dinner today. Money is tight and I need to save for later adventures. Some potatoes and meatballs heated by the microwave. Nothing to write home about. Still it was food. That’s all I need.

Tomorrow morning I have another meeting. Next week or a little later will probably see me start to “work” during daytime in order to keep my unemployment benefit from the government. So I’ll be doing “work” for free at a place of work while the “employer” gets paid for having me there. 8 hours per day, five days a week. Then when I get home from “work” I am required to look for regular – real – employment. So I will have very long work hours if I add this together. I will be spending less time at this blog, less time at chatrooms and less time at Twitter. In the long run having a place to go to, something to do, and a regular schedule is probably a good thing but it will take some adjustment to get used to it. I wouldn’t mind if the days were to be spent looking for work because that’s pretty much what I’ve done in the past up until now. Instead I’m supposed to handle the job search in my “spare” time. Well I’m sure it will work itself out somehow. Sooner or later I will find a job again. I just know I will.

Or I’ll win the lottery. Whatever comes first…

 

Old times

Returning to the scene of the crime…once more. In stereo.  Well what happened was this.

Once upon a time there was this young innocent dude. Let’s name him MoonieZ just to make it easy on everybody reading and wondering what all this is about all of a sudden. So, there he was – the mild-mannered forest creature MoonieZ. An outcast in a land of strangers at the local high school or gymnasium as it is called in Swedish. However for the sake of clarity to the international audience I’ll use the term high school throughout this story of … Yes, just what is this story going to be ? Do we have a clue ? If you shut up and read on it will eventually be revealed. *Burp* Right, and just where did you get the delusional idea you have an international audience reading  this? Because you toy with a lot of artsy-fartsy words and pretend to know what they mean? If you’d shut up for a second or two, you’d find out. I can’t believe I let you ruin my blog posts over and over again. I know why that is. You do? Yeppers, because you’re soft, got no backbone, can’t stand up for yourself…Easy as …easy is. Whatever you say – but this post is now digressing which means I’ll have to cut you down to size. That’s rich! As if you’d dare! Just watch me…There, you’re punctuated, figment ! Ouch…

So, where were we? Oh yes, our hero MoonieZ was an outcast in a land of strangers at the local highschool. This was nothing new to the shy and innocent MoonieZ. In fact, all through his history of attending educational institutions MoonieZ had been as invisible as a white wall. Not that it makes much sense but it looks good on the page. I presume you all are reading this on the iPad so you’ll experience this story the way it as meant to be presented by the author. If not there’ll be an author’s approved version available as a Special Edition in time for the Christmas Season.

Ok, so there he was. Stranded in a world he never knew, going about his lonely business walking endless hallways and byways to get where he was going which was often a destination unknown – or as often as not – the classroom.

On this particular day in January, in the year of Our Lord 1986 (Yes ,I am THAT old) MoonieZ had just begun another semester and was eager to meet all his friends and classmates again after having spent his Christmas alone at home with his parents and frequent daydreaming and wet dreaming of a particular girl he had been secretly in love with for the better part of a year without ever speaking a word to her or to anybody else for that matter… Well – not speaking a word about his feelings for this incredibly beautiful girl, that is. MoonieZ did speak occasionally. When it happened it often blew the mind of anybody listening and was immediately written down and archived as a rare and unique moment that had to be preserved for all time. I’m kidding. Nobody cared what MoonieZ said or if he said anything. Sometimes a teacher or two might care. Especially if a question had been asked of MoonieZ to answer regarding whatever subject the teacher asking was teaching at the moment when the question in question was asked. Otherwise, MoonieZ shut up. When he wasn’t talking to himself – which was more often than not (all the frigging time, man, all the frigging time! didn’t I tell you to shut up? yup, sure. so why the hell are you speaking? *pffft* if you can’t figure that out i refuse to call you author. right…back to the story) – he’d be talking to his two friends in school: The Intellectual and Nose-picking Drummer. These guys were just as outcast as MoonieZ which means that they soon formed a triumvirate and started to share their view of the hard cold world with each other at lunches and other breaks between classes. Usually they had spot to sit on the floor at the end of a very long hallway through which hundreds of other kids (teenagers, young adults, students…whatever) would pass along without ever taking notice of the strange trio being absorbed in one of their legendary debates over what was wrong with the world and how it could be cured if only the people of the world elect them as dictators with unlimited power to rule.

Starting to be slightly lost among the many pieces of this story I will be right back after these messages:

Blue cheese ! Because its good for you! (Maybe not as good as it should be but …this is how we try to sell these things…)

Do you ever dream of leaving home never to return?  Check out One-Way package tours. Once you go, you’re gone forever…

I’m back! Part two of this little story will follow as soon as its written. When? That information is unavailable at this time.

Lost

Lost track of time listening to old music I have saved on my PC. Almost forgot to write something to post for today. I don’t have a clue what to write and only got 30 minutes to deadline. Got to think of something fast or this will be really random.  However I can always edit it later.

Sunday has been such a lazy uneventful day that there is not much to write. Saturday night was very nice though which made me sleep really well and waking up with a good feeling in my soul. Not  very original but it will have to do for the time being. Until I think of something better to write. Not always easy to find a way to  say something that hasn’t already been said in a way that has been used a million times.

So, 10 minutes to midnight. High time to finish this little piece of nothing special and upload it before time runs out.

Tomorrow is another day. Monday and everything start over. The schools open and most people lucky enough to hold a job will be going to work after the holiday season. Life returns to normal. Whatever normal is.

I’ll be returning to the never-ending  job search and hope I’ll have some luck with it soon.

Something new again

Tomorrow is the start of something new for me. I will be going to a superstore to practice my new skills and also make use of the old ones. I hope these four weeks will be good for me. That I will find out for sure if working in stores is really what I should be doing. If I am still able to handle the work load and the stress. I used to like to work in grocery stores a lot. But after the long time of problems with my legs and after that being unemployed I’ve started to doubt if I am still fit for this kind of work. On top of that there’s also the age factor and the fact that I did spend four years of study at the University to be able to find a career elsewhere. When I failed to reach my goals in the academic world I fell back to the kind of job I know how to do – retail. However my last employment in that field failed after less than six months and it was more than two years ago. At least it didn’t continue for reasons unknown. I think I did a good job then but of course I’m not as young anymore and my body has taken some punishment from 20 years of lifting and handling heavy goods every day. I really think these four weeks will be my way of finding out if I really want to do this kind of work and how much I can handle of it. Should I fail now then I might as well stop looking for new jobs in this field. Should I make it and find that I still can handle it and that I’m motivated enough to go on I will of course continue to look for this kind of work. Will be an interesting time at least. Probably I’ll be exhausted the first week but perhaps not as exhausted the second week and by the third and fourth I should be up to my normal capacity. At least well on the way towards it. If that will be enough to make a good impression remains to be seen. I’ll do my best within the limits of my capacity.

A new month

Here I am. New month just begun. Well actually the month isn’t new. November comes around once every year, but November 2010 will only happen once. Right now. The first day of a new month means a fresh start. A good time to let go of the past and start looking forward. Deal with the present and face the future. Right now I’m waiting for a phone call that will let me know when and where my five weeks of on the job training will start. Until then I can’t make any plans for my day or my week.

I woke up very early this morning to go to the  chat room of a friend to witness the drawing of a winner in a raffle I had entered. Of course I arrived too late and got the news after the fact but at least I was there. I made the effort of showing up because it did really matter to me to be there. Even though I didn’t have much to say. Anyway I posted below about those raffles and all about the weekend and my thoughts and feelings. Now I’m trying to put it behind me and look forward. I have to move on or I’ll never stop thinking about what could have been. So I’m going to shut that door.  Being sad and brokenhearted about it won’t help anyway and won’t change the way it is. So on towards the unknown future !

Do have some chores to do. Some papers to mail by the old regular post office. Some minor shopping. Some washing up. Some eating. Some drinking. Some sleeping. Some talking. Some smiling. Some thinking. Some crying. > Wait a minute < No crying – you are  big boy now ! OK . Some laughing. Some walking. Some writing. Some listening. Some … something or other.

Looks like a day full of things to do. So I’ll get to it.

Peace.