What I’ve learned from my past

The one thing.

How to endure.

Give up

I should give up trying to understand. It only makes my head spin. Too much thinking is dangerous. Too much hung up on things is dangerous. Too much hung up on people is dangerous. Sometimes I wish learning wasn’t always taking the hard way. Just for once I’d like to be wise before having to learn the lesson. No such luck. Not for me. The epic fail.

Right. This means I’ll just stop being floored and start dealing out what I get. Which will probably not be wise but perhaps better in the long run. So beware world, you have been warned. Next time there’ll be no warning.

What I’m on about? I’m in a bad mood and I’m tired of trying to laugh it off or hide it.  Sometimes I do get to feeling bad, sad and mad all at the same time. Sometimes I have reasons sometimes not. I’m only human. I’m not perfect. Not even a perfect fool. I think and I feel and I sometimes get it wrong and sometimes I go over the top.  Nothing new here, nothing to see. Move along.

I’ve spent the morning working on the links section of this blog.  Some were dead and needed to be removed and I also added a bunch of new ones. Mostly from my follow list at Tumblr. Got nothing better to do since the world seems to have gone quiet all of a sudden. The first snow came during the night but I hope it melts away. I still remember last winter, it was horrible. Too much snow and too cold.

Yesterday afternoon while on the bus home from the office I listened to some American  girl sitting in the seat behind me talking on her cell . Saying to whoever she was talking to that its really dark here (in Sweden) and no snow (which was true at that moment). Sounded like she envied the person at the other end who seemed to have snow at their location. She even asked what kind it was. I thought be careful what you wish for because you might get it and more. Anyway it was kind of interesting to listen to her talking. Not too often I hear English with an American accent being spoken on a bus over here. Mostly I’ll hear a word or two of English when the foreign college students ride the bus that stops by the local college. Also this girl’s voice reminded me of someone I happen to know from the internet world.  So, I guess I did start to drift away to daydreaming. Not much else to do on a commuter bus going along a country road in the dark. Usually I sleep or at least try to nap a bit but it is often a bit bumpy so I only sleep for about a minute at a time.

Well, as I’m working from home today due to the office being closed for reasons unknown I will probably be doing some writing. Might go out for a bit. Not sure. Have no place I’d like to go and no money to spend. Probably I’ll end up watching old movies and being bored. Of course I’ll be reading tweets and looking at Tumblr off and on but I do that every day. Then there are some chores I need to tend to. Some washing and cleaning and such.

The idea for this post was something but I can’t remember what. It turned out to be about a lot of random stuff. Next time I’ll do better.  I hope.

Peace.

Words in a row

Hey, hi, hello, how’s the world been treating you?

I have to say I’m rather tired today. I slept rather well but woke up a bit early and couldn’t go back to sleep. Tweeted some while still half awake and then somehow got up.  Checked my Tumblr dashboard and reblogged a lot of stuff as usual. Too much being posted there for me to keep up with. But I like to look through it everyday anyway.  Always find some stuff worth looking at or reading. Sometimes fun and sometimes serious.  Somewhere in the middle of this I remember watching a video and masturbating but I could be mistaken as I wasn’t really all awake yet. Then I got ready, dressed, washed and brushed, drank some water to keep my kidney stones at bay through the morning rush hour commuting on buses and trains and went out the door towards the bus stop.

I know I ought to eat some breakfast but 1) I’m actually poor 2) I feel sick if I eat right after waking up so I skip breakfast and eat nothing. I drink water and sometimes I bring some lunch to the office but not always. Far from it. Then when I get home in the early evening I have dinner which is almost always a cooked hot meal. Later in the evening I may sometimes have a snack, a sandwich or some fruit depending on what I have around and what I feel like eating.

The bus was on time, I made it to the train station on time and the commuter train was on time too. Not crowded, I got a good seat close to the doors. I looked out the windows at the frosty landscape rushing by outside and thought about a tweet I had read earlier while still in bed and only barely awake.Something about the word ‘frosty’ had caught my attention.

I arrived at the station where I change trains and found out the other train was delayed. Not much only enough to make me pace around the platform for a few minutes while trying to keep warm. When the train arrived it was not crowded and I got a seat close to the doors again. I looked out the window and noticed I passed by the road leading to my first place of work – a small grocery store in a  suburb.

While I thought about how it had been to work there and the people I had worked with a colleague from the office came walking down the aisle of the train and sat down in the seat opposite.  Soon we started discussing the weather, global warming and climate change.

I said that I’m not sure the changes are due to human activity even though that’s what science claims is true. I have a hard time accepting a few hundred years of industrialism could really affect the Earth this much. My idea is that the climate might change anyway as it has done in the past going from warm to cold and then back to warm again.  Who knows. The Earth has been around a long time and I’m sure it will still be around long after all humans are gone. However this is just what I think and I might be all wrong.

Walking from the station to the office the discussion continued until we had arrived inside.

I went to my room and switched on the computer, set up my stuff, set my phone to charge and eventually started writing and thinking – which means working on my project. Looked out the window at the lake down below and then at the sky beginning to clear. Looked at Twitter, looked at Tumblr and started thinking about updating this blog.

Talked to the supervisor and continued working. Opened Spotify and listened to some new songs on a friend’s playlist while writing some texts for this blog and also one for my project.  Uploaded some photos to the blog and tried to write some more without much success.

Somehow I wasn’t writing what I really wanted and what I wanted I couldn’t write at that moment. Or at any other moment. I have a lot of trouble writing certain things. The thoughts are there and the feelings are there but the words aren’t there. Just refuse to come forward. I’m probably afraid to put it in writing, afraid of the fool I’ll appear to be – mostly to myself. What the world thinks is beyond my control anyway. So I didn’t write it. Instead I wrote about other things for my project, read a lot of news and articles about things I might use for my project and also tweeted and looked at Tumblr now and then. All of this made the day pass by quickly soon enough it was time to pack up and go home, which I did. Got on the first bus and had a terrible pain in my back from the kidney stones as I had neglected to drink enough water during the day.

For most of the hour-long ride home by three different buses I was in pain. So the first thing I did when I got home was to drink a lot of water and relax. Then I had dinner. Fish and potatoes. It was ok but not as good as I expected given the price of the fish had been rather high. After dinner I checked email, tweets, tweeted and checked and reblogged on Tumblr for a while. Also started to listen to music on Spotify and thought about writing some more for this blog as I was not happy with what I had posted so far today.  Had some gingerbread hearts and some water and started to write. And here I am now. Still writing this text. Maybe it’s time to stop now. Not much more to add.  At least not that I can think of. There’ll probably be more tomorrow, I can feel my nostalgic mode getting ready to possess me so I might be going back to the glory of the past days again in another post.

Peace.

December is here

Hello.
Maybe you’ve been wondering where I’ve been since I haven’t been updating for a few days?

No.

OK, I just wanted to tell you what’s been going on. If you are interested to know?

No.

Fine, I guess I won’t be telling you anything then.

Good.

 

This is Tuesday

Tuesday speaking. Just had a word from Monday, said it won’t be around until next week. So, I guess you are stuck with little old me. I know, it sucks but life can’t only be Fridays or Saturdays or whatever your preference might be. There has to be some room for Tuesdays too. Now, I know, we don’t amount to a hell of a lot. Mostly you just pass through us on your way to the greener pastures of Friday and Saturday but hey, here’s a secret, they’re just days of the week too, believe it or not they’re just the same as me and my buddy Monday. However most of you don’t seem to notice us and when you do you want to forget us. Or get rid of us. Even Wednesday and Thursday are more popular. They almost get to hang with the cool kids so they usually don’t want us to tag along. Being a Tuesday is no piece of cake. Sometimes I wish I was a Friday too or that Friday was a Tuesday so that I would get to be cool instead. I know jealousy is not very attractive so I try not to think about how much I’d like to be Friday, instead I focus on the fact that without me Monday would be very lonely just like poor Sunday who’s all alone at the end of the week. Not cool enough to hang with Saturday and Friday and not dull enough to be seen with losers like me and Monday. It must suck to be Sunday too. At least it must be a bit lonely to always be the day when everyone’s resting up after two wild nights of partying and mayhem.

Now before I start to sound all negative, I’ll sign off.

Peace.

Nothing much

Happened to type a few words. Nothing special. I did have some idea for a post but I’m saving it for later. Will have to do some research before I write that one, so that I will get all the facts of the matter. In any case it will be up soon enough unless I feel like being lazy.

Saturday so far has been a calm, quiet day. A bit windy and not very sunny weather but no more rain – yet. Had made some plans for things to do but as usual I started doing something else instead. Not good. But time has passed anyway. It seems to do that pretty fast lately, or maybe I’m just getting older. Don’t know.

Listening to old Bruce Springsteen recordings while I write to keep me in the mood or maybe in order to find out what mood I’m in.

Later I will probably fall asleep early as I seem to do all the time since I started at the office. Of course I also wake up rather early. Around 5 am most mornings. Probably has to do with the sun coming up early and shining through my bedroom window.

I’m not in chatrooms as often as I used to. Not many people around I feel like talking to. Mostly I lurk in the shadows or spend my time on Twitter or Tumblr. How fast things change. I remember little over a month ago I spent nights and days in chatrooms, talking, laughing and having fun. Would be easy to say I miss those times but I know that all good things have to come to an end before they come around again.

Anyway spring is here and summer will be next. I’m so happy the snow is gone for some months now.  Been hard to have snow and cold weather from November and all through March. Glad that the backbreaking shoveling is done. Still now I have to start to take pills to fight my allergy. Can’t stand grass and lots of other  things. And this time of year we have to avoid getting too much sun due to the UV-radiation and after having spent a long winter without much sunlight at all that’s not easy.

I guess life is never good enough or only good or whatever. Still I feel better about life this April than last April, even though nothing has changed. Except perhaps making a new friend and finding a place to be at that makes me feel better about myself and helps me keep a positive outlook on life. Reason enough to be thankful, I’d say.

Thanks.

 

 

Mardi Gras Jack Skellington

Sunday feelings

Sunday. Sitting in the car at the parking lot looking at tweets. Can life be more pathetic than this? Didn’t think so.

Anyway that’s how it is these days. Somehow weekends are mostly when I feel lonely. Everybody seems to be off enjoying life while I just sit around and feel sorry for myself or just miss people. I probably shouldn’t bother but the trouble is I can’t stop bothering with things like that. No matter how miserable it makes me feel and no matter how useless it probably is. I’m made this way for better or worse.

However I am glad that the weather gets better. All the light make me feel a lot happier. Didn’t I just say I feel sad? Yes but thats only today. Not even sure it’s sadness maybe just a general feeling of longing. Anyway I have to go.

Have a great Sunday everyone and especially You.

Fun

[First draft written January 5, 2011. Published March 10, 2011]

I had a lot of fun last night. Actually it was early this morning. Anyway, it was fun. So I thought I would mention it. Just in case  any readers might suspect I’m not having any fun at all, ever. Why would they think so ? Some of my blog posts might indicate that but every day is a new day and anything can happen. Some days I’m not in the best of moods and other days I am on top of the world. If my blog did not reflect that it wouldn’t  make much sense to post anything on it.

Where was this fun had then ? In a chat room over at a site called MFC. That’s the only site I go to these days when I wish to chat.  That’s where most of my online friends are as well.

Saturday

Just another day.

Woke up very early around 4:30 am after having slept  almost 6 hours. Didn’t feel very rested but got up and started up my computer for a new day. The room was cold and outside it was still dark. I hoped to find some friends online but found none.  Looked at my twitter timeline and sent some emails and other things. Browsed around the internet for a while. Took a break for breakfast. Returned to the computer. Installed some software. Searched for information. Tried to think of something to write for my next blog update. Thought about the project I’ve started at work.  Looked around to see if I could tidy up around my home office. Started working on a video project.  Felt kind of depressed again without knowing why. Had a visit by my uncle. Later drove my mother to do the usual weekend tour. First the grave to light a candle then to the market to get some groceries. Then back to the computer again while thinking I should do something else. Try to get my mind off of things eating away at me.  No go.

Listening to music through Spotify while I write. First tune out is very fitting: Roxy Music – Avalon. “The party’s over I’m so tired” , which is more or less how I feel. Then Journey – Ask The Lonely. Seems Spotify is on to my mood today. Knows something I don’t even.  At least it gives me something to write about.

Steve Earle – Once You Love is one of my favorite songs. The lyrics are good. “Once you love, you care” really says what its all about. “One false move, you know you’re busted”. Then follows Huey Lewis & The News The Power of Love. Starting to feel a bit disturbing how a random selection by a computer program can be so spot on. Next song up is The Doors – The End. What a surprise, not. “This is the end, beautiful friend”. Followed by Frank Sinatra – The Best is Yet to Come. Well, I give up.

After this confusion I have nothing more to add. Play it as it lays.

Later.