Last Wednesday of May

Here I go again on my own

Had not planned to write today. Had other plans. However, sometimes I feel the need to vent a little. Outside of any schedules. Since I don’t have a schedule for this blog everything happens at random anyway.

So last night I had trouble sleeping. Rather I fell asleep but woke up shortly after only to fall asleep again. This happened a few times and then at around 6 am, I could no longer fall asleep again. I wanted to but I couldn’t. Tossed and turned for about one more hour, then got up.

Decided to make it a work at home day since I knew I would be tired all day anyway from lack of proper sleep. Started doing some office related stuff and some other things I should have done ages ago. Then took a break to do some laundry and go say Hi in a chat room.

After all that I returned to writing and suddenly had an urge to write this, just because I feel like writing about this day. The last Wednesday of May 2012. Another day that will never return. Another day lived through. One more day behind the cart, one less in front of it.

Late last night I watched a Dennis Miller HBO Special from the early 1990′s that I happened to stumble upon. I found it rather funny even though some references were a bit difficult to grasp for me as a foreigner and as such unfamiliar with some aspects of US society and culture.

Yesterday I was also reminded of my last po’ boy in New Orleans. It was in 1995 and I remember it being a tasty roast beef one from some place with a lot of locals in it. Wonder when I’ll ever have another one.

Read about a new book  in which the author claims that love is not about feelings at all, instead it is an act of will. I do not agree. To me love is about giving, a feeling of wanting to give without asking for or expecting anything in return. However, I could be wrong but that’s how I see it.

The weather is not as great as last week but still ok. Cloudy, a bit windy, kind of cold and some rain on the way. Rather normal for a Swedish summer.

New Year’s Day

Woke up in the afternoon after going to sleep late. Had a wonderful fun night in a chatroom of a friend. Not often I get to celebrate both Christmas and New Year‘s Eve with friends online.  I am very happy for the way this holiday season turned out. Only have a few minor regrets.

I forget myself sometimes and express myself a bit too freely and without thought. I guess I’m only human and can’t always keep a lid on my feelings even though I try to remember what it’s all about and that I have made up my mind about it already. Still, can’t deny there’s a part of me who will always wish it was different. Against all logic and reason. I think that’s only human too. Without hopes and dreams where would anyone be and what would the world be like? Not a place I’d want to be in, that’s for sure.

A new year means a fresh start  - or at least a chance to make a fresh start. I will try to take that chance once more. Not that I have any real specific resolution but I have made a kind of promise to myself to make the best of everything and try to always find a way to move forward instead of giving up when the road seems dark or when a goal seems out of reach.

Plans for the new year include getting a hair cut, some better style of appearance and a more active approach to job searching. I also want to put a lot of effort into my writing projects so that they may help me find a job I would really like to do.

On the more personal level I have to say that being the eternal lonely single guy is making me crazy. However, after having tried so many times in so many ways over so many years to change that fact and always seemed to fail, I’m frankly scared of even mentioning any kind of  wish to change my status but I know that deep down that is still my most sacred dream and one that I would like to make come true if I could only figure out how. I have probably used the wrong ways to do it and in a lot of wrong places and with a lot of wrong words and actions over the past 25 years but I never thought it would be such a chore, that it would be so difficult.

For a long time I thought it was only because of my social awkwardness and shyness I had such trouble but then I started to suspect I had other problems. Not being able to understand communication the right way. Not able to pick up signals. Not willing to take enough risks. Not enough confidence and courage.

Then I thought about it again and started to doubt those reasons too.  Wrong place, wrong time and wrong approach are what I think are the reasons now for my lack of progress in this area.  Too high standards and unrealistic expectations play a part. Also my total lack of experience in anything other than failure makes it hard to know what to do to succeed.

I’ve had help from some friends over the years but without much result. Still, I’ve been happy for the help and advice I’ve gotten. In all honesty I must also confess to having given up on the whole idea for long periods of time. Many times I’ve spent countless hours of thinking about it only to end up with giving it all up and letting things be even though the wish, the dream to change it has always remained in the back of my mind.

Lastly, my very romantic and unrealistic view of women as goddesses to be worshiped has most likely not helped me much either. I may have mostly abandoned this notion for the last 10 years but even after having a more realistic view of women as simply equal and regular fellow human beings, I’ve not gotten any closer to making my dream real.

Yet at the start of each new year I hope that this will be the time when I figure it all out and manage to make my dream real. Not having to spend another year alone is what I keep hoping for.

There’s one more thing I’d like to change.  My financial status. Right now, it’s poor. With hard work and some luck I wish to change that. I hope to do it during this year but I don’t know how long it will take. I only know I want to change it for the better.  To do it I have some ideas.

Today I will spend what remains of the day relaxing and keeping my mind off of all these things though.

Peace.

Things I used to do, part 4

Before the Internet. Part 4. Made in the early 1990′s.

Things I used to do, part 3

Before the Internet. Part 3. Made in the early 1990′s.

Things I used to do, part 2

Before the internet. Part 2. Made in the early 1990′s.

Things I used to do…

before the internet. Made in the early 1990′s. Lot of cut and paste involved.

Words in a row

Hey, hi, hello, how’s the world been treating you?

I have to say I’m rather tired today. I slept rather well but woke up a bit early and couldn’t go back to sleep. Tweeted some while still half awake and then somehow got up.  Checked my Tumblr dashboard and reblogged a lot of stuff as usual. Too much being posted there for me to keep up with. But I like to look through it everyday anyway.  Always find some stuff worth looking at or reading. Sometimes fun and sometimes serious.  Somewhere in the middle of this I remember watching a video and masturbating but I could be mistaken as I wasn’t really all awake yet. Then I got ready, dressed, washed and brushed, drank some water to keep my kidney stones at bay through the morning rush hour commuting on buses and trains and went out the door towards the bus stop.

I know I ought to eat some breakfast but 1) I’m actually poor 2) I feel sick if I eat right after waking up so I skip breakfast and eat nothing. I drink water and sometimes I bring some lunch to the office but not always. Far from it. Then when I get home in the early evening I have dinner which is almost always a cooked hot meal. Later in the evening I may sometimes have a snack, a sandwich or some fruit depending on what I have around and what I feel like eating.

The bus was on time, I made it to the train station on time and the commuter train was on time too. Not crowded, I got a good seat close to the doors. I looked out the windows at the frosty landscape rushing by outside and thought about a tweet I had read earlier while still in bed and only barely awake.Something about the word ‘frosty’ had caught my attention.

I arrived at the station where I change trains and found out the other train was delayed. Not much only enough to make me pace around the platform for a few minutes while trying to keep warm. When the train arrived it was not crowded and I got a seat close to the doors again. I looked out the window and noticed I passed by the road leading to my first place of work – a small grocery store in a  suburb.

While I thought about how it had been to work there and the people I had worked with a colleague from the office came walking down the aisle of the train and sat down in the seat opposite.  Soon we started discussing the weather, global warming and climate change.

I said that I’m not sure the changes are due to human activity even though that’s what science claims is true. I have a hard time accepting a few hundred years of industrialism could really affect the Earth this much. My idea is that the climate might change anyway as it has done in the past going from warm to cold and then back to warm again.  Who knows. The Earth has been around a long time and I’m sure it will still be around long after all humans are gone. However this is just what I think and I might be all wrong.

Walking from the station to the office the discussion continued until we had arrived inside.

I went to my room and switched on the computer, set up my stuff, set my phone to charge and eventually started writing and thinking – which means working on my project. Looked out the window at the lake down below and then at the sky beginning to clear. Looked at Twitter, looked at Tumblr and started thinking about updating this blog.

Talked to the supervisor and continued working. Opened Spotify and listened to some new songs on a friend’s playlist while writing some texts for this blog and also one for my project.  Uploaded some photos to the blog and tried to write some more without much success.

Somehow I wasn’t writing what I really wanted and what I wanted I couldn’t write at that moment. Or at any other moment. I have a lot of trouble writing certain things. The thoughts are there and the feelings are there but the words aren’t there. Just refuse to come forward. I’m probably afraid to put it in writing, afraid of the fool I’ll appear to be – mostly to myself. What the world thinks is beyond my control anyway. So I didn’t write it. Instead I wrote about other things for my project, read a lot of news and articles about things I might use for my project and also tweeted and looked at Tumblr now and then. All of this made the day pass by quickly soon enough it was time to pack up and go home, which I did. Got on the first bus and had a terrible pain in my back from the kidney stones as I had neglected to drink enough water during the day.

For most of the hour-long ride home by three different buses I was in pain. So the first thing I did when I got home was to drink a lot of water and relax. Then I had dinner. Fish and potatoes. It was ok but not as good as I expected given the price of the fish had been rather high. After dinner I checked email, tweets, tweeted and checked and reblogged on Tumblr for a while. Also started to listen to music on Spotify and thought about writing some more for this blog as I was not happy with what I had posted so far today.  Had some gingerbread hearts and some water and started to write. And here I am now. Still writing this text. Maybe it’s time to stop now. Not much more to add.  At least not that I can think of. There’ll probably be more tomorrow, I can feel my nostalgic mode getting ready to possess me so I might be going back to the glory of the past days again in another post.

Peace.

Stopped living

When did I stop living?

Sometimes I wonder. Sometimes I try to recall the moment when I stopped. When it all stopped. When life went from living to being alive. Was it last year? The year before? Was it a decade ago or just recently? Does it matter how long ago it was? Does it matter if its true or not? Does it matter that I write this down? What’s the matter with me? What matters? I don’t know. I’m only sure of how I feel at this very moment. I feel sad and blue and I have no reason for feeling this way but I still do.

Blame it on Monday.

Sense

Have to start making sense. Too long I’ve been spending my time writing texts that make no sense at all. There was a time when I could make sense. It seems to be long gone. Lately I’m lost in a lot of dreams about something that seems to be so out of reach that I would be better off not even dreaming of it. However without dreams I’m nothing. What’s left is a life of being alive but not living. Doesn’t make sense. I give up.

The wrong place

I hear that a lot. That this place or that place is the right or wrong place for something or other. But is that so? And why? In my opinion there is only one place (here) and only one time (now). That’s all there is and all we have in this one life so why don’t we use it instead of talking about when the right/wrong place or the right/wrong time will be for things? What, then, would be the right place and the right time for something? Who decides where and when that is? Is it up to each person to decide or did we all decide this together? Is it always the same? Or did we just at some place in time  construct this idea as a way to deal with the here and now so that each thing can be kept in place in order to make sense and avoid confusion.

In other words did we construct a system of placing things in right or wrong places in order to make sense of the world and our own interaction with and within it? If that is the case then we should also be able to ignore these ideas of right place/time and wrong place/time and just return to the only place we really know we got (here) and the only time (now) and make it a lot easier for ourselves.

However without the shelter of being able to say “this is the right/wrong place/time for this” life becomes a bit difficult to avoid living and things become difficult to avoid dealing with when they actually happen  - which is here and now and not at any other place or time that we have designated for it to occur to better suit us or so that we can avoid dealing with it at all.