Seven years of blogging

Soon, in June, this blog celebrates 7 years of existence.

It started out as my outlet for thoughts and feelings generated by interactions at a community webcam chat site.  Then it evolved into something like an online autobiography written and published one post at a time. From time to time I have also published pure fictional writings that have often been simple spur of the moment things. Some of my posts have been about certain topics – some attempts to discuss those topics and present my opinions. A lot of posts have also been about my interest in music, movies, books and food. Through the years I have posted photos, pictures, audio and video clips to break the blocks of text and to make the blog more entertaining.

When I started back in 2005 I never imagined having any readers but of course I hoped some people would find their way to my blog and perhaps even find it interesting enough to come back.  Now, seven years later, I know I have readers and even readers who regularly follow my writing here. I am very grateful for each and every one of you and thank you for reading my texts. I will do my best to continue writing and publish texts and other material in order to keep you interested.

However, what I write will still be whatever I feel like writing and that way it will as always reflect my personality. I will not ever attempt to adjust my style in order to attract more readers or try to figure out what will please the most readers.

Since people have found their way here and continued to follow my blog without me trying to please anyone, I think it would be stupid to start now. I will continue being me. That’s a promise.

 

 

Time for an update

Morning, Wednesday. Nice to see you again. Been a week since last time. How have you been? So and so? Ok. I’ve been mostly rather good. A bit busy, a bit in pain and I’ve had some fun.

At the office I had rather a busy week. Lots of writing to do. Lots of jobs to apply for. Lots of work to do on the blogging project I’m still trying to get going.

Also, I’ve been following the trial against the terrorist in Norway who detonated a bomb killing 8 people in Oslo‘s city center and later shot and killed 69 people (mostly teenagers) at a summer camp on a small island near Oslo on July 22 last year.

A terrible and cruel act of terrorism.

Let’s see, what else have I been up to? Sleeping. Done some of that. Can’t remember how much though. Eating. Yep, done some of that too. Probably not as healthy as I ought to and probably too much at times but hey, I only live once and when I’m dead I’m done so let the good times roll…and rolling is what I’ll be doing if I don’t watch what I eat.

Drinking? Yeah, but nothing containing alcohol. I don’t often drink anything other than water. If I drink anything else its usually juice or Dr Pepper.

What else? I’ve watched Game of Thrones. Just keeps getting better. I wish someone would kill Joffrey, that little sadist annoys me greatly  but  I have a feeling he won’t be punished anytime soon.

Watched some movies. Too many to mention all of them but the best ones have been Toy Story and Monsters, Inc – both produced by Pixar. I have only a few more to watch before having seen all of them.

I have also been listening to music. Usually on Spotify. There’s really no need for any other source. At least not for me. I keep finding stuff I didn’t know of as well as stuff i like that I haven’t listened to for some years. Now that Spotify links are possible to embed into Tumblr and WordPress it has become even better as a source for sharing and discussing music.

Ok, what else. Yes, I have been to some chat rooms to see some people and enjoyed a few fun nights. Been really nice.

The rest of the time I have had some chores to take care of.

I think that’s all there is.

No sex? Nope, no sex. Unless  a few moments of daydreaming in connection with thoughts of a certain someone counts? Maybe. Perhaps. Does it matter? Not really.

Peace.

Easter Saturday, 2012

Hello people!

Taking some time away from things I ought to do to bring you this update. Perhaps it will be a waste of your time or perhaps not. Nobody knows for sure.

The weather today is sunny but the winds are cold and there’s still some snow on the ground. However its a lot better than yesterday. I didn’t go out at all.

Today I will probably have to as there are some things I have to buy for the Easter dinner to be complete. Also I want to get out and get some air and a bit of sun.

My pains are somewhat mysterious but I’ve been able to conclude they are not caused by kidney stones. What the cause is I haven’t figured out but since the pain comes and goes and isn’t getting any worse or more frequent I’m guessing it’s not a sign of  anything too serious, only seriously annoying. So now I’m trying to determine if it has something to do with certain food items or  not.  I know I ought to see a doctor to perhaps find out what the problem is, but since I’m not really ill in any other way I think maybe it’s not that serious after all.

I did only watch parts of some movies yesterday.  I also listened to some music on Spotify.  Then I spent a lot of time looking through my Tumblr dashboard and also some time reading my Twitter timeline. My day ended in a chatroom of a friend, then I went to sleep.

Today I hope to remember to watch episode 7 of Game of Thrones since I’ve managed to forget it for the last few days. At first I didn’t like that show much, but after watching some more of it I started to be interested and now I actually find it entertaining enough to want to follow it.

Later on I expect to talk to some friends and have some fun. Maybe I’ll watch some TV or some movie. I’m sure I’ll be having some Easter candy as Easter is a lot about candy in Sweden lately. It used to be about painting and eating  boiled eggs, pickled herrings, salmon, roasted lamb and such but now the candy eggs are IT.  A long, long time ago I believe Easter also had some kind of religious significance but I’m not sure what.

Happy Easter!

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Yesterday, or perhaps the day before, I almost wrote something stupid on this blog. Again. However, after almost finishing the post I realized it would not do any good to publish it. Also, it was below my usual standards.

The topic was webcam chat sites and what happens there. I decided I’ve written enough about this topic and my views remain the same as last time I wrote something about the subject. However, recently I have been thinking about my many years spent dealing with this subject and the various experiences I’ve had.

What once started out of curiosity and as a way to pass some time, became a way of life over time. For some years it was even an obsession. Leading to many different results both good and bad. I wouldn’t want to be without this experience but the last few months I have been feeling it’s time to move on. In a way I already have. I spend much less time at the site now. I have other things to do in my spare time. Much of the change can be found in the fact that I have very few people to talk to at the site and that the times when I do are few and far between. I’m no longer looking to get to know any new people as I don’t feel like it and don’t know  why I would want to. The people I still know are good enough to keep in touch with. In the years past I often looked for new people to talk to and sometimes I found new friends online. I was a different person then. I was more outgoing, felt more safe and secure in my life and I had a better income. All in all, I found it easy and fun and didn’t have too many things to worry about. What I did have to worry about were enough but in those days I could forget my problems and have fun while being in chatrooms. Now I find myself having trouble to let go of my problems and enjoy myself. I don’t even know what to talk about most of the time. I wish I could find my way back to the easygoing and fun guy I used to be. I know that the person I am now is not the way I really am or want to be. I just can’t shake the uneasy feeling I have.

So many things keep going wrong that I have almost lost all confidence and become very nervous and scared. This makes me less interested in sticking my neck out and making myself noticed. I prefer to hide away in the shadows. Not a good method but that’s how it is.

Maybe things will change when summer comes along. I don’t know. I only know I feel like giving up on everything and just go away and live my life in some far away cave.

This was supposed to be a positive update but I guess it will have to wait until I write another one.

Sorry, I wish I could be a better entertainer.

Peace.

New post Monday

It’s Monday. Time to write something new.

I was going to do it yesterday but I was too tired to start.

This weekend and all of last week was very cold. Especially at night. Some places in Sweden had colder nights than ever recorded before. It started to feel like a sequel to the movie The Day After Tomorrow.

The car could not handle the cold very well. The battery died and had to be charged. Never happened last winter even though there were many cold nights then too. I had to figure out how to charge the battery which was a bit of a learning experience. I’m not good at fixing anything to do with cars but I try to learn as I go along. Haven’t had the need to learn until just a few years ago, so it will take some time. However after about 4 hours charge the car could be started and now it seems to work as normal except for some strange sound from the engine. I’m a bit worried about what it could be. Don’t know if it’s something that will need fixing.

Friday night it was very cold outside. I spent part of  the night online, at a chatroom and had a nice few hours of talk. It was good because most  of Saturday and Sunday was spent working on the car – outside.

I watched the first part of the Swedish Song Contest “Melodifestivalen” on TV on Saturday night. There were only a few really good songs and performers among the eight competing songs and luckily the one I liked the most made it to the next round and will have a second chance to reach the final competition.

The headlines the day after only talked about the incident when an older male performer briefly put his hand on the behind of the young good-looking female host of the show while she hugged him after interviewing him. Seems this made the whole of Sweden explode in some kind of moral outrage. I guess it says something about our society. Not sure exactly what though.

Sunday evening I managed to start the car and went for a drive. After that I watched some TV, had  a shower and went to bed.

Today I had a meeting at the office with a workgroup about social media. The idea is to study social media and how they can be used to aid in job search and employment. Might be interesting to be a part of.

I’m also working on my own project and making some slow progress. Other than that not much is happening. Life goes on. Time goes by. I get older. Days are getting longer. Sun is up earlier, sets later. I wish Spring would be here.

Peace.

What’s the point?

Sometimes when I look back at what I’ve shared with you, my readers, I feel a bit alarmed. Not about the details of what I’ve shared but about what kind of picture all of these posts paint of me in the minds of my readers.

How would I picture me, based on the information I find on this blog?  Sometimes I think about the answer to that question. Usually after posting things like yesterday’s text. Also after re-reading a post like “Creepdom” in which I attempt to discuss the good and bad sides to fandom while describing my own actions as a fan.  I’m not sure what the picture looks like but I’m sure it’s not only pretty.

When I started this blog back in the summer of 2005, it was at first in an attempt to describe my experiences at a certain website and community that I had then recently discovered. Soon it evolved into a way for me to express myself and also to write a kind of autobiography in the blog format. I started to write more and more about my past and about myself as time passed and I got some positive feedback from some friends from the community. Then for some years I didn’t post much on my blog until I suddenly met someone online in early 2008 which inspired me to really start working on my blog and since then I’ve kept up the work.

These days I can’t claim that all my writing is inspired by some  one person only but certainly people I know and meet do have some influence upon my choice of topics since the interactions with these people trigger emotions and thoughts within me that I often want to share with my readers.

I also try to avoid the romantic idea of waiting for inspiration in order to write. Instead I write even when I have no idea what to write and sometimes even no real motivation. Usually I still manage to produce some kind of text and most of the time I post that text no matter how I feel about its quality. In a way I do this also in order to battle my self-censorship from blocking my creativity. To really be able to write anything of value, I think not being stopped by self-censorship is essential.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Hi there…

Yes, I’m still alive. I know I haven’t been writing much here lately. I’ve been too lazy. I haven’t been too busy. I have been doing things but mostly I’ve been sleeping. Well, not only sleeping. I’ve been at the office, I’ve been at home and I’ve been eating too much, gained too much weight,  been feeling a bit down and out and somewhat depressed. Lonely. Confused. Not in tune with anything.

So this weekend I’ve enjoyed some fun times and seen a good friend. Suddenly I feel reborn. Funny how some late night fun can change my mood and my outlook on life. Or at least turn it around for the better. I woke up smiling this afternoon. Haven’t felt like that in too long. Decided to just be in that feeling and not do too much. Of course I had my usual urge to send countless tweets and emails to my good friend to let her know just how good I’m feeling today but then I stopped in my tracks and decided to not do my usual stunts. Instead I’m going to keep myself under control and let my friend have her weekend in peace without my urgency.

So I’ve let my Sunday unfold in about the same manner as most other Sundays. Been reading the morning paper. Had an early dinner. Listened to music ,watched some videos and looked through my Tumblr dashboard. Backed up some files. Cleaned up the hard drive. Listened to more music. Watched some TV, read some news.  Had a shower. Plan to go to sleep early and be ready to start a new week in a good way.

Other notes. My old friend has not answered my last email so I’m guessing I can let that whole thing rest and remain a fond memory.

I’ve been looking for a direction but haven’t really found one. I have plans and ideas but I seem to have trouble making them happen, turning them into something real.

Always been a problem.

I don’t want to spend any more time living in my head. I’ll be 45 this year. I have to grow up now. Start to act my age. Only one problem – I find growing up to be a bit boring. I don’t even know what it really means. Once long ago I thought I had grown up. I acted like someone a lot older than my actual age. Then I lost that somehow. Probably I got scared of life after my father died. Or I started to think of living as pointless, a long wait for the end that no one can escape. So – maybe I should set out to find God? Not my cup of tea, old boy. I believe in humanity and in human beings and that’s all the faith I need.

Been watching lots of movies the past weeks. Too many to mention. Most of them were good entertainment. Some were a bit boring. Some I haven’t been able to finish. Like Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. I hope to finish watching during the coming week.

Once more I’ve managed to write a post with no real point to it and going all over the map in terms of topics.  That’s how my mind works when I set it free.

Hope it hasn’t been a waste of your time to read this.

Peace.

New Year’s Day

Woke up in the afternoon after going to sleep late. Had a wonderful fun night in a chatroom of a friend. Not often I get to celebrate both Christmas and New Year‘s Eve with friends online.  I am very happy for the way this holiday season turned out. Only have a few minor regrets.

I forget myself sometimes and express myself a bit too freely and without thought. I guess I’m only human and can’t always keep a lid on my feelings even though I try to remember what it’s all about and that I have made up my mind about it already. Still, can’t deny there’s a part of me who will always wish it was different. Against all logic and reason. I think that’s only human too. Without hopes and dreams where would anyone be and what would the world be like? Not a place I’d want to be in, that’s for sure.

A new year means a fresh start  - or at least a chance to make a fresh start. I will try to take that chance once more. Not that I have any real specific resolution but I have made a kind of promise to myself to make the best of everything and try to always find a way to move forward instead of giving up when the road seems dark or when a goal seems out of reach.

Plans for the new year include getting a hair cut, some better style of appearance and a more active approach to job searching. I also want to put a lot of effort into my writing projects so that they may help me find a job I would really like to do.

On the more personal level I have to say that being the eternal lonely single guy is making me crazy. However, after having tried so many times in so many ways over so many years to change that fact and always seemed to fail, I’m frankly scared of even mentioning any kind of  wish to change my status but I know that deep down that is still my most sacred dream and one that I would like to make come true if I could only figure out how. I have probably used the wrong ways to do it and in a lot of wrong places and with a lot of wrong words and actions over the past 25 years but I never thought it would be such a chore, that it would be so difficult.

For a long time I thought it was only because of my social awkwardness and shyness I had such trouble but then I started to suspect I had other problems. Not being able to understand communication the right way. Not able to pick up signals. Not willing to take enough risks. Not enough confidence and courage.

Then I thought about it again and started to doubt those reasons too.  Wrong place, wrong time and wrong approach are what I think are the reasons now for my lack of progress in this area.  Too high standards and unrealistic expectations play a part. Also my total lack of experience in anything other than failure makes it hard to know what to do to succeed.

I’ve had help from some friends over the years but without much result. Still, I’ve been happy for the help and advice I’ve gotten. In all honesty I must also confess to having given up on the whole idea for long periods of time. Many times I’ve spent countless hours of thinking about it only to end up with giving it all up and letting things be even though the wish, the dream to change it has always remained in the back of my mind.

Lastly, my very romantic and unrealistic view of women as goddesses to be worshiped has most likely not helped me much either. I may have mostly abandoned this notion for the last 10 years but even after having a more realistic view of women as simply equal and regular fellow human beings, I’ve not gotten any closer to making my dream real.

Yet at the start of each new year I hope that this will be the time when I figure it all out and manage to make my dream real. Not having to spend another year alone is what I keep hoping for.

There’s one more thing I’d like to change.  My financial status. Right now, it’s poor. With hard work and some luck I wish to change that. I hope to do it during this year but I don’t know how long it will take. I only know I want to change it for the better.  To do it I have some ideas.

Today I will spend what remains of the day relaxing and keeping my mind off of all these things though.

Peace.

Christmas Day 2011

Woke up late on Christmas day after a good night’s sleep. I had the good fortune of going to bed with a smile on my face and a good feeling after a mostly not very happy Christmas eve. Last thing I did before going to sleep was to spend a little time online in a chatroom of a friend. This managed to change my mood for the better and listening to a Christmas story also helped.

After breakfast which was more like lunch I spent my Christmas day in a relaxed manner. While it was still daylight I went for a drive around the neighbourhood and got some groceries. Then I watched some movies – Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Black Swan and Step Brothers. I also started to read the book I got from my brother for Christmas.

In the afternoon I sent a text message to a friend I had not had any news from for at least 6 months. It was only a Christmas greeting and I didn’t expect any reply. However a few hours later I got a reply – a Christmas greeting. This made me smile. Then I thought about sending another message to find out how things are going but I didn’t. Not sure if I should or not. Sometimes it might be better to hold off.

Late in the evening a heavy storm swept  across the countryside. Power went out during the night and most of the following day. Trees fell across the roads, on cars and buildings.
Spent most of my Monday by the window to get enough light to read and heated some food over the fire in the fireplace downstairs. When darkness started to fall, the power came back on and I decided to update my blog.

Will probably spend my evening reading, watching movies and listening to music.

Peace.

 

Last night was a fun night

After all the turmoil I’ve worked my way through during the beginning of the week it was a relief to have a really fun Wednesday evening and night. I enjoyed it a lot.

To go to the chat room of my friend and have some good conversation and fun was just what I needed and it made me very happy to be able to be the kind of friend I always try to be. Being able to contribute to the fun and have a good feeling and not have to think too much about anything. Very relaxing.

Even if I didn’t get more than two hours sleep in the morning and was late to get going to the office, I don’t mind, it was worth it to be awake all night. All day today, I’ve been   feeling  good and had  a smile on my face.

Peace.