This came to me while I was trying to sleep last night. I wished then I had got up to write it down because now I’m sure what I remember of this today will not be as good as the words I heard in my mind then. However, that’s life. Things come to me at times when I’m not even sure if I’m awake or dreaming. Anyway, here it is.
I miss you. Yes, I do. Those three words that shouldn’t be spoken because they show you just how much you mean to me. How often you are on my mind. How many times I think of those words and instantly picture you in my mind. Eyes, smile, face. How I hear your voice speaking and wish you were here. Those moments when it becomes clear to me just how much a part of me you’ve become in the time I’ve known you. How you have made a place for yourself in my heart and how you will always be there no matter what happens next in our lives. How the distance is great but yet it feels like you’re there where you’ve never been but those words express a wish you would.
I miss you. Sometimes I find myself thinking of those words while busy doing other things ,sitting at my desk typing or while I’m outside shoveling snow or in my den just browsing the net. Then I stop what I’m doing and my thoughts go to you, what you’re doing, where you are. Again it is clear to me how you’ve become a part of my life. Someone I count on to see again. Someone I care about. Someone I feel like I know. Someone who attached herself to me from the first time I ever saw her. That’s you.
There was a time not too long ago I wanted out of it. I wanted to break free. I was afraid of not being good enough. I was feeling inferior and thought I was of no value to you. That I was a boring strange person who didn’t fit in. It was my own insecurity playing the same old tricks as many times before. I almost let myself be fooled into leaving it all behind. Leaving you behind. Going my way. I didn’t in the end. For some time I had to sort my head and heart out before I could get my mind straight and back where it ought to be. Now, I know where I am and it’s a place I like to be in.
I’ve let go and somehow that was just what I needed.
Still. I miss you. Even though I do not always speak those words anymore to you, I still miss you. Even when you’re not away. Even though you are far away and always have been. I do not say those words out loud a lot but I think them and I feel them. Sometimes I wish I didn’t. Sometimes I think I’m feeling too much. Sometimes I wonder why but then I think of all the reasons why I’m still here doing what I do just because of you and I know it’s what I want. It makes me feel good. A part of my life I don’t want to be without. Yet, I can only think this. To say it out loud is a scary prospect. Whenever I do try to express it I always feel awkward. It doesn’t sound as good as it does in my mind when I speak the words or type them. So there it is. Or here it is.
I miss you.
