Coward

Hell…o,

It’s been a bad weekend for me. I’ve been feeling sad and angry most of the time, and I’ve slept badly and had strange nightmares wake me in the middle of the night. Been in stupid arguments about silly matters. Felt useless and worthless. In short: hell.

Nevertheless, I’m now writing this in an effort to let the world know I’m still among the living and that I have no plans to leave …yet. So those who hoped that my writing and posting strange texts on this blog would stop, will have to wait a while longer.

Today, Sunday, is a cold and sunny day. Actually it was  cold morning but now it’s only -1 degree outside. Will get colder again when the sun sets but that’s still a few hours away as I’m writing this.

The rest of today I hope to relax and find some peace to get myself back on track for the coming week of office work and other things that need to be done.

Peace.

Face it

Wake up

Sunday morning, still in bed.

What’s the point?

Sometimes when I look back at what I’ve shared with you, my readers, I feel a bit alarmed. Not about the details of what I’ve shared but about what kind of picture all of these posts paint of me in the minds of my readers.

How would I picture me, based on the information I find on this blog?  Sometimes I think about the answer to that question. Usually after posting things like yesterday’s text. Also after re-reading a post like “Creepdom” in which I attempt to discuss the good and bad sides to fandom while describing my own actions as a fan.  I’m not sure what the picture looks like but I’m sure it’s not only pretty.

When I started this blog back in the summer of 2005, it was at first in an attempt to describe my experiences at a certain website and community that I had then recently discovered. Soon it evolved into a way for me to express myself and also to write a kind of autobiography in the blog format. I started to write more and more about my past and about myself as time passed and I got some positive feedback from some friends from the community. Then for some years I didn’t post much on my blog until I suddenly met someone online in early 2008 which inspired me to really start working on my blog and since then I’ve kept up the work.

These days I can’t claim that all my writing is inspired by some  one person only but certainly people I know and meet do have some influence upon my choice of topics since the interactions with these people trigger emotions and thoughts within me that I often want to share with my readers.

I also try to avoid the romantic idea of waiting for inspiration in order to write. Instead I write even when I have no idea what to write and sometimes even no real motivation. Usually I still manage to produce some kind of text and most of the time I post that text no matter how I feel about its quality. In a way I do this also in order to battle my self-censorship from blocking my creativity. To really be able to write anything of value, I think not being stopped by self-censorship is essential.

Miss

This came to me while I was trying to sleep last night. I wished then I had got up to write it down because now I’m sure what I remember of this today will not be as good as the words I heard in my mind then. However, that’s life. Things come to me at times when I’m not even sure if I’m awake or dreaming. Anyway, here it is.

I miss you. Yes, I do. Those three words that shouldn’t be spoken because they show you just how much you mean to me. How often you are on my mind. How many times I think of those words and instantly picture you in my mind. Eyes, smile, face. How I hear your voice speaking  and wish you were here. Those moments when it becomes clear to me just how much a part of me you’ve become in the time I’ve known you. How you have made a place for yourself in my heart and how you will always be there no  matter what happens next in our lives.  How the distance is great but yet it feels like you’re there where you’ve never been but those words express a wish you would.

I miss you. Sometimes I find myself thinking of those words while busy doing other things ,sitting at my desk  typing or while I’m outside shoveling snow or in my den just browsing the net. Then I stop what I’m doing and my thoughts go to you, what you’re doing, where you are. Again it is clear to me how you’ve become a part of my life. Someone I count on to see again. Someone  I care about. Someone I feel like I know. Someone who attached herself to me from the first time I ever saw her.  That’s you.

There was a time not too long ago I wanted out of it. I wanted to break free. I was afraid of not being good enough. I was feeling inferior and thought I was of no value to you. That I was a boring strange person who didn’t fit in. It was my own insecurity playing the same old tricks as many times before. I almost let myself be fooled into leaving it all behind. Leaving you behind. Going my way. I didn’t in the end. For some time I had to sort my head and heart out before I could get my mind straight and back where it ought to be. Now, I know where I am and it’s a place I like to be in.

I’ve let go and somehow that was just what I needed.

Still. I miss you. Even though I do not always speak those words anymore to you, I still miss you. Even when you’re not away. Even though you are far away and always have been. I do not say those words out loud a lot but I think them and I feel them. Sometimes I wish I didn’t. Sometimes I think I’m feeling too much. Sometimes I wonder why but then I think of all the reasons why I’m still here doing what I do just because of you and I know it’s what I want. It makes me feel good. A part of my life  I don’t want to be without. Yet, I can only think this. To say it out loud is a scary prospect. Whenever I do try to express it I always feel awkward. It doesn’t sound as good as it does in my mind when I speak the words or type them. So there it is. Or here it is.

I miss you.

No clever heading

Why does it feel like I’m knocking on heaven’s door? Maybe it’s the weather. Snowing, raining. Not a lot but enough to make me not want to go out.

I’ve not learned yet to not spend more than I can afford. However, since I can’t save I might as well have some fun while it lasts. Not sure if that makes any sense.

I was thinking back on my one visit to Las Vegas. Trying to remember what I did. I remember walking around on the streets looking at all the hotels and other buildings and at all the people. After spending a few hours and about $20 in the hotel casino I didn’t gamble any at all while in Vegas. Instead I looked at other people gambling. I remember having a meal at a McDonald’s in the basement at some hotel casino and seeing some people there who seemed almost too poor to even afford a burger but armed with cups filled to the brim with quarters and ready to go back to feeding the slot machines. Twenty-two years later I still remember how sad it made me feel to see that. Of course I had tried my luck on the machines too but after spending the $20 I had set as my limit I stopped and walked away. Not without some difficulty though. Part of me wanted to gamble more, to see if I could win some money back. Then I knew how easy it could be to get hooked and gamble my life away. Of course most people don’t become that obsessed by gambling, but some do. I’m sure some of those were the people I saw while at that McDonald’s.

Still Vegas was interesting. I regret not going to see any of the shows while I was there. However, I had the good fortune to spend my mornings in line for the hotel breakfast surrounded by huge crowds of  Japanese tourists armed with expensive cameras. I’m sure I ended up in some photo albums in Japan.

Hair

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Hi there…

Yes, I’m still alive. I know I haven’t been writing much here lately. I’ve been too lazy. I haven’t been too busy. I have been doing things but mostly I’ve been sleeping. Well, not only sleeping. I’ve been at the office, I’ve been at home and I’ve been eating too much, gained too much weight,  been feeling a bit down and out and somewhat depressed. Lonely. Confused. Not in tune with anything.

So this weekend I’ve enjoyed some fun times and seen a good friend. Suddenly I feel reborn. Funny how some late night fun can change my mood and my outlook on life. Or at least turn it around for the better. I woke up smiling this afternoon. Haven’t felt like that in too long. Decided to just be in that feeling and not do too much. Of course I had my usual urge to send countless tweets and emails to my good friend to let her know just how good I’m feeling today but then I stopped in my tracks and decided to not do my usual stunts. Instead I’m going to keep myself under control and let my friend have her weekend in peace without my urgency.

So I’ve let my Sunday unfold in about the same manner as most other Sundays. Been reading the morning paper. Had an early dinner. Listened to music ,watched some videos and looked through my Tumblr dashboard. Backed up some files. Cleaned up the hard drive. Listened to more music. Watched some TV, read some news.  Had a shower. Plan to go to sleep early and be ready to start a new week in a good way.

Other notes. My old friend has not answered my last email so I’m guessing I can let that whole thing rest and remain a fond memory.

I’ve been looking for a direction but haven’t really found one. I have plans and ideas but I seem to have trouble making them happen, turning them into something real.

Always been a problem.

I don’t want to spend any more time living in my head. I’ll be 45 this year. I have to grow up now. Start to act my age. Only one problem – I find growing up to be a bit boring. I don’t even know what it really means. Once long ago I thought I had grown up. I acted like someone a lot older than my actual age. Then I lost that somehow. Probably I got scared of life after my father died. Or I started to think of living as pointless, a long wait for the end that no one can escape. So – maybe I should set out to find God? Not my cup of tea, old boy. I believe in humanity and in human beings and that’s all the faith I need.

Been watching lots of movies the past weeks. Too many to mention. Most of them were good entertainment. Some were a bit boring. Some I haven’t been able to finish. Like Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. I hope to finish watching during the coming week.

Once more I’ve managed to write a post with no real point to it and going all over the map in terms of topics.  That’s how my mind works when I set it free.

Hope it hasn’t been a waste of your time to read this.

Peace.

So it is

Hey, world!

I’m back right where you found me… Been thinking about doing a lot of stupid stuff. Like giving up and going on my merry way. Putting this blog to rest. Making my way to other places. Cutting myself off from the people I’ve known. Jumping in front of a train. All those things, all those ideas that are all the same: escape.

Sometimes escape is all I want to do. I’ve done it before. I’ve had the urge many times over. Not always acted on it. Not always managed to escape even though I wanted to. Sometimes I’ve found I don’t really wish to escape at all. I’m just scared. Too scared to remain.

This time I’ve decided to remain. No matter what. I am too old to run anyway.

Peace.

What to do in the new year

Have been thinking about what to write on this blog in order to keep you all interested and entertained. So far I have not had too many ideas. One idea I had the other day is to turn this blog into a book  through self-publishing. I have been thinking about that before but not checked it out any further. Now I might actually explore the idea and see what the options are. I’ve always wanted to collect my best posts in some kind of book to make it possible to offer as a gift or to promote my writing to people not used to reading blogs. Not sure if any of my writings are good enough to be printed out though. I would probably have to do some editing but maybe some texts would be worth saving.