Halloween

Hello world!
Happy Halloween!

Here it’s been a normal average Monday. Nothing much going on. Been sitting at my desk at the office, thinking. Trying to work on my project. I wish I could say I’m making progress but I’m not. The whole thing moves along pretty slowly. If at all. When I first started I had a lot of enthusiasm but it seems to have faded away. Probably due to the time of the year. The darkness always make me a bit depressed. Not only that but I keep thinking who am I trying to fool. I really haven’t got a lot going for me but I keep holding on the few positive things there are. Nothing else I can do.

Today a year ago

I had a look back at what I posted on this date last year. Seems I made three posts. The first one was about what I did that day, a Saturday. Seems I didn’t do much of anything except hanging out at home and online. The second post was  a video from YouTube featuring The Axis of Awesome performing their famous Four Chord Song. The third one was a post about Ry Cooder‘s music which included links to two videos from YouTube.

I have to admit I don’t use YouTube as much as used to. I still look at videos of songs on there but not often and only if I can’t find a certain song on Spotify. Sometimes when I’m bored I do look at other types of videos at YouTube or when some friend or celeb has posted a clip they want to share.

 

Thinking of things

Sunday dreaming

In my dream last night I held you close, hugged you tight, buried my face in your hair, felt the shape and warmth of your body close to mine and listened to your breathing as you were sleeping. It felt real and I was happy.

Now I wake from my dream, I wake from my dream to this world

Where all is shadow and darkness and above me a dark sky unfurls*

I find myself once more alone in my bed, tangled up in my blanket, only wishing to fall back into my dream of you.  To return to that happy place. Finding it impossible, I rise to face a new day.

Ain’t nothin’ in this world I can do about it
All I’m thinkin’ about is you*

(*Lyrics from the songs Back In Your Arms and All I’m Thinkin’ About. Both are written by Bruce Springsteen)

Keep smiling!

Yesterday I started to write two blog posts. The first one I didn’t finish because it became too depressing to write and read it. The second one I didn’t finish too because it became too depressing to read and write. I decided not to post anything at all.

My problem is that it seems I always end up writing about problems.  No matter what the subject matter might be when I start. Always ends the same way. My misery, my problems, my shortcomings, my failures and my worries – over and over.  It annoys me I can’t seem to be able to write something else.

Sometimes I am able. Sometimes I’m happy and able to share with the world how happy I am. It doesn’t last, though. Misery seems to last a long time. It seems to always be around or lurking the dark shadows of my mind. Always ready to jump up and show its ugly face.  I guess I’m no better than that even when I hope and wish to be.

I hate it.

My brave Wednesday face [Photo]

The power of words

Been there, done that

So I woke up in the middle of the night again. Had to go to the bathroom. Then I had a pain in my stomach so that I couldn’t sleep for hours. I also had a message but that didn’t cause my pain. It made me smile.

Later I got up and looked through the night of Tumblr posts and reblogged some that I happened to like. Then I read my blog post from yesterday about those certain girls again and felt a bit awkward as I wanted to start editing the text and make it a bit different but then I thought to let it be because it tells a story and even if it makes me look like a loon it’s the story of how it was. I seem to want to return to the past a lot but I guess its only natural considering I’m a bit depressed about the present and the future looks a bit fuzzy too.

There’s one other post I should get started on but I’m still thinking how to write it in a nice way so that it won’t risk breaking the TOS of this blog. The post is a kind of review but not easy to write so that it will be fun and entertaining and not too specific. Well, I will keep thinking and trying it out and see what becomes of it.

I’m going to be spending my day writing job applications mostly.  There’s talk of rain coming during the afternoon. Going to be another rather average day I guess.

Peace.

Too big…

That certain girl

I know how it started. I remember who that certain girl was. The years have passed but the memories remain. It was probably at school. I’m certain it was at school. As a young child growing up I had very few friends. I remember playing with some of the other kids living along the same street but I can only remember one real friend from those years.  A boy of the same age. We remained friends up to around 12 years old. Then he began to not want to hang out with me because he wanted to be with the older kids and I was still very much a child. Didn’t care for the same things so the friendship faded out.

Anyway, this post is not about that. This post is about that certain girl. In the first years of school she was a blonde girl in my class. I had a crush for a while. At that age it was not easy to identify what the feeling was but I remember I really liked her. For a while. I never really knew her but I liked her. A few years passed and that certain girl became a brunette. Probably because I had seen Star Wars and developed a crush on Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher) so that certain girl at school had to look somewhat like Princess Leia – or at least be a brunette. There happened to be one certain girl in my class who was a brunette and actually looked a little like Princess Leia.  I never got to know her though – not more than as a friend in class. Probably just as well. She never knew about how I felt anyway. I didn’t really mind at that age. I prefered to keep my feelings to myself as I was a bullied boy. And shy, and insecure and scared of my own shadow. Well not really. With the exception of school being a pain due to the bullying, I was feeling safe and secure and enjoyed creating my own world in my mind.

Another couple of years passed and that certain girl was a blonde. Not one in my class but in  another one, at the bigger school I had recently started at. That certain girl was very pretty and I guess I really fell for her. Except she never knew about it. Not that I didn’t try to let her know in my own very twisted way. I was thirteen but not at all sure about what I was feeling actually was. So I remember writing some kind of letter. If I ever sent it is a matter of debate. I might have but I can no longer remember. Anyway that certain girl never knew about my feelings, of that I’m sure. And I didn’t really mind. Everything was still very innocent. At least in my world.

Another year or year and a half passed and that certain girl was a brunette. I guess the reader can now sense a certain pattern emerging. I certainly do sense a pattern. This certain girl was in my class and I actually talked to her before having a crush and even during the crush and also after. What was talked about was actually nothing special, mostly about school and studying but still it was talking to a certain girl, and you have to start somewhere.

Then I left for high school and got into a new class. That certain girl was now a…brunette again. Sorry, so much for a pattern. Anyway, I remember talking to that certain girl a bit now and then but she never really knew me and she never knew how I felt about her.  Maybe half a year later that certain girl was a blonde. This time it all started because she approached me. I was minding my own business and didn’t really care much about her before she suddenly talked to me a lot. I didn’t even know how to respond for some time but gradually I probably fell in love with her. I do remember being madly in love and wanting to do something about but not knowing what or how. I wrote a letter asking to be friends. Yes, I was a coward then too. So it became a kind of awkward friendship that lasted a few years beyond school but it kind of ended when I told her of my true feelings and got rejected by the words “I’ve never seen you as anything but a friend”. I was devastated, dead. It took many years to recover from that day.

So many years that I was around 24 before I ever let myself feel anything towards a certain girl again and this time that certain girl was a brunette. She worked at the same store as I did and she was a few years older and I think she flirted with me but I was too shy and scared to respond but inside I of course fell fo her instantly. Never dared to even try to find out what could have been as I was too afraid of rejection.

A year or two later that certain girl was a blonde. Again she worked at the same store as I did and this time around I did my best to be mature about the matter. Whatever mature means…I’m still not sure I’ve figured that one out. Anyway I remained calm and let things run its own pace. Which means that nothing ever happened. I think it was just as well.

Shortly after this I started at the University and after about 6 months that certain girl was a blonde again. I remember she smiled at me once and that was about all it took. Well I admit I just let my imagination run away with me this time. I think I even tried to let her know about my feelings but as usual I wasn’t too good at being straight forward about the whole affair so it ended in nothing.

Then the years passed and I devoted my time to studying. Around the last year of study I encountered a certain girl online and I found myself having those loving feelings again. Much to my surprise. Anyway the whole thing developed into some kind of friendship for a year or two but nothing was really serious, I guess. Looking back I can only feel like a fool when I think of how I felt and acted but it was a learning experience.

Almost right away after this that certain girl was once again a blonde (however not a real blonde, I learned after a while) and this time I was not looking for love but instead some kind of love happened over time. It took a few years of close friendship but then there was a time of real love, real feelings and I almost acted upon it but was too scared to really do anything. I had health problems during most of this time so I blamed that for never meeting that certain girl in real life. The feelings of love faded and the friendship remained but started to fade too as time passed and things happened in our lives. However this certain girl remains the best friend I’ve had so far. I am very happy for everything this experience taught me about myself and about others.

What about now? Is there another certain girl? What do you think?

Peace.