Video has been removed at YouTube.
Roy Orbison – She’s A Mystery To Me
Neil Young – Like A Hurricane (unplugged version)
Bruce Springsteen – Back In Your Arms
Instead of trying to use a lot of words to describe my state of mind today, I listen to some of the talented few who are able to turn their words and music into great art.
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Find the balance.
The thought of the day happens to remind me of the movie The Karate Kid (1984) in which the main character is told by his teacher to find the balance with everything. I guess it isn’t too bad advice. When the kid in the movie learns a few lessons of life and learns how to really use karate, he also finds the balance and everything is groovy. Sorry if this spoils the movie for anyone but it is after all 2011 and I can’t be responsible for those of you who haven’t seen the movie yet.
So my thought is this: I ought to look for balance also. And better not stumble on it once I find it. That’ll be the hardest part probably. Anyway I’m also in the process of learning some valuable lessons of my own. Like I’ve always believed that the best things in life are free…but lately I have started to believe that the lyric of the song Money (That’s What I Want) is closer to the truth. (I want money…) In some ways and in certain situations at least.
I haven’t got much money though. The odd thing is that I don’t miss it but I do miss what I could do with it if I had it. Not having it makes life more difficult. I also question if I am worth anything at all without money in my pocket. Not very fond of that question but I still find I must answer it. Often enough I might shrug it off and think that I am worth a lot more than money, but sometimes I think that maybe I’m not. My worth is based upon the amount of money in my wallet. My buying power. Since most of society is based upon commerce in order to make progress and produce wealth, an individual without money to buy things is a rather useless individual in the big scheme of things. So, I’ve concluded that I’m rather useless too. Does that mean I give up my breath and drop dead where I stand? No. It does mean that I know my place though. At the bottom. I’ll be staying there until I find a way to climb back up again. At least to the level I used to be before I fell. How did I fall? Well I was too bold, I flew too close to the sun. Overestimated my worth. Thought I had more money than I actually had. At least I used to spend more than I could afford, thinking I’d manage somehow. I didn’t. In the end reality caught up with me and the crash was inevitable. It was a long fall and a harsh landing but I survived it and after getting back on my feet I decided to work my way back up, only this time do it in a better way and not fly to close to the sun. Until then, though, I have to face the reality of a life without wealth and without worth. Sure if life serves you lemons you should make lemonade, but that’s easier to say or think than actually do. Sometimes it is easier to just stop trying at all and let it all be. I’m not going to, though, even if I am not much fond of lemonade (allergic to lemons).
Do I seem bitter? Maybe I am, or at least I’m feeling a bit down on my luck again this morning. Maybe I went too far in my efforts so I lost sight of the balance. That balance I can’t seem to be able to find or maintain. Maybe I did fly too high, intoxicated by my hopes and dreams. Maybe I wanted too much, too soon and lost sight of reality because of it. Maybe I gave more than I needed to give, maybe I happened to expect something more to come out of my relentless giving, maybe I am just a fool who never learns when to stop… Maybe I should just relax and learn to have some fun. Maybe that’s all true or maybe not. I do know I will not give up. I will go on being me, giving what I’ve got. Learn something, yes, but go on I will just the same. There’s no other way.
This concludes my venting for today. I will now return to normal.
Yes. Woke up early to another Monday. Still dark outside. Feeling slightly humble. Guess it is an inevitable result of yesterday’s euphoria to be back firmly on the ground again. Should never fly to close to the sun. As if I didn’t know that. Will have to stay grounded, always works best in the long run. However, it was a nice view up there among the clouds. I’ll probably return there once I fall asleep again. For now, I have work to do.
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Hello, readers!
Sunday. Around 12. I’m looking at a messy room that I will start to clean up at any moment (or so I thought). Right after writing this small piece of information.
Been having fun this weekend. Haven’t slept much but still feel fine. Haven’t gotten much work done but still feel fine.
Yesterday, after a fun late night and early morning I did get some things done. Went out driving my mother to the church for the usual lighting of a candle at my father’s grave. Then drove her to the market for the usual grocery shopping.
Later on had a fabulous dinner. A pre-cooked meal I heated in the microwave. At least I didn’t eat it in front of the TV, since I hardly ever watch TV.
As the evening progressed I started to feel sleepy, so around midnight I took a little nap lasting about four and a half hours. Woke up just in time to join the fun at a certain chatroom at a certain site.
Which brings me back to the start of this post. I’ve been trying to finish this all day while thinking of other things, while knowing I should be doing other things, while feeling guilty for wasting time dreaming of You when I have so much I really need to get done. Well – I’m only human and failing is one of my talents so of course I kept on dreaming and never got around to the other stuff, the important stuff. At least that stuff counts as important in some circles but daydreaming is pretty important to me. Even if it hardly ever pays any bills to dream it is kind of nice. Most of the time even more than nice. Sometimes it can be a bit of a pain because somewhere there’s a voice in my mind telling me “you know this is only a dream, don’t you?” and I reply, “yes, I do know that but what else can I do?” There’s usually no answer to that so my dreaming continues undisturbed by reality checks. Then after a while I’ll listen to some Roy Orbison songs back to back. And end it all with Bruce Hornsby – Till The Dreaming’s Done.
Looks like that’s all, folks !
Yes. That’d be me. Haven’t slept much since Friday morning. Starting to wonder if I’m sleepwalking. Things seem to have taken on a dream-like quality. Perhaps that is why I had this urge to search for Roy Orbison‘s songs and let myself drift away in some dreams of a better tomorrow and of a more perfect world?
Anyway, just like the guy in the song I awake and find the real world a lot different from any dream I might indulge in even while wide awake. Not being the type of person to rush in like a fool but instead keep both feet on the ground at all times, I can’t help to sometimes take off into dreams and let myself fly around among the clouds. How else to cope with the reality of things? There’s so much I can do nothing about. So many things I can’t change. Dreaming helps to let off some steam sometimes. Then, of course; I have to face the reality of everything and deal with it without making any assumptions or misunderstandings. Often enough I manage to do that. I have no other options. Except the safety-vent of my dreams.
If this made any kind of sense, I’m happy. Because reading it now before publishing I’m not sure I grasp the meaning. However the answers will come to me. Probably in my dreams.
Was going to write a post about the difference between dreams and the real world, when it suddenly dawned on me that all I had to post were these songs by Roy Orbison, because they perfectly illustrate what I wish to say.
Roy Orbison – In The Real World
Yes.
I’m back. Thought I’d have this done this morning but after a fun time in a chatroom, I had to rush to get ready for going to another weekly meeting. So no time to write blog posts.
Then I have been thinking about what to write for the rest of the day. Always have some idea but still find it hard to actually sit down and write. Sometimes I wish I could just transfer my thoughts onto the screen and have them appear as typed words. I always imagine the text will be much more like my thoughts that way. Nothing lost in translation between brain thinking and fingers typing it out. Sometimes the words seem to be coming straight from the heart, though. Not passing the brain at all. However to write what’s in the heart requires skills that I haven’t got. So I avoid it as much as possible. Too afraid of sounding silly.
Dinner today was simple. Grilled pork tenderloin, potatoes, mushroom sauce and carrots. Rather good for a Friday. Should have saved it for Sunday. Guess Sunday will be fish, as I have some frozen cod fillet available. Probably boil it or something.
Weather has been getting mild again. After some really cold nights. No more snow though. Which is good. I hope it starts to melt again. I wish spring would be here. Yesterday.
Soon Saturday. Don’t know what will happen but do know I have lots of chores I ought to be doing this weekend. I wonder how many will still be left to do when Sunday evening comes along …?
Been more than good. I’d say great. Not going to let the crashing get me to abandon my happy mood.
Enjoyed getting up at 5 am. Had a nice place to go to. A nice chatroom to go to. Best one I know. Not to say there are not any other good ones around. Just saying this one is the best one for me. At least the one I always miss being at when I’m not there. I miss some other rooms, or people rather, too, but I have to be honest about where I spend most of my online time.
I am happy to have friends online. Would be boring without them. I remember when I first ventured out onto the vast Internet ocean I had no idea where to go and no friends to find online. Didn’t even know what a chatroom was. Had to learn it all by trial and error. The first three or four years I didn’t even like chatrooms but that was before I found the right ones. Once I did that, by accident of course, I never wanted to leave. Because I was having so much fun and getting to know people and even making friends.
After having had a long life with almost no friends in it, the Internet saved my social life. I can say that and be totally serious. Without the Internet I’d be much more isolated at this point. Not to mention how much I would not have learned about myself and about people in general. I am really happy I have made friends with people from other countries even from other continents through the years.
I did have some foreign penpals back in the stone age before the digital age but being able to chat in real-time is way better. And being able to see and hear people you talk to is the best of all. Some say this is nothing new. Video calls were invented even before the Internet was available to the general public but it didn’t catch on or whatever. Maybe the public weren’t ready for it yet. Now it’s hard to live without the option of seeing the one you talk to even when making a cell phone call.
While I was in Cinema Studies class back in the late 1990′s, I remember a discussion about what this does to people that there are cameras almost everywhere so that we are always “on cam” in some fashion. Does it influence our behaviour ? Change it ? Do we start to “perform” when we know that some camera is focused upon us ? Certainly I sense that something happens with the way I behave when I know I’m being watched by a camera. I probably don’t do everything I would do if I was not being watched. Anyway, I’m digressing so I’ll get back to the topic of this post.
A wonderful morning. Now I need to get ready to go to a meeting at a possible place of ”work” later. I also have to have some breakfast. Haven’t eaten since last night.
This post is about my personal reaction to some recent developments. Nothing more, nothing less.
There’s a lot of excitement online at different places where I hang out about a new cam chat site coming along. Some people are leaving or at least partially leaving a huge cam site due to frustration about certain aspects of it, to join up at this new small one instead.
From what I’ve seen, heard and read the new site offers features that attract both models and members. I read a lot of raving reviews and see a lot of enthusiasm around.
This reminds me of my past experiences as a member at cam chat sites. Having been a member at mostly very small ones through the years, compared to the huge one I frequent these days, I can very easily understand and share the enthusiasm among models and members who are being pioneers at a new place of business.
However, I’m also reminded of how quickly things can change. Now, I’m not saying all changes will always and only be for the worse but I have seen mostly changes of that kind at the sites I’ve been at in the past. Why those changes took place I have sometimes been somewhat well-informed about but mostly not at all. They did happen though and caused a lot of disappointment and did lead to both members and models leaving those sites.
These past experiences make me slightly suspicious about jumping on the bandwagon too soon for everything new that comes along with a lot of promises of greatness and of great business to be made. It might very well be true, might come true, might grow and become really fabulous for everyone but it might also turn into sand pretty fast. So – even though I might be curious and excited – I’m going to remain somewhat skeptical based upon my own experiences and on what I’ve learned from friends in the past. That said I wish everyone the best of luck and hope they’ll have great success at their new place.
Mike Oldfield - Innocent (vocals by Anita Hegerland)
This ought to be my theme. Being the innocent, shy and mild-mannered forest creature that I am.
Why is everybody laughing….?
