Inspiration

Inspiration. I have heard that only the really bad writers are waiting for “inspiration” to hit them and deliver the masterpiece ready to type and print in one go. The good writer knows that inspiration is nothing to sit around and wait for when you have deadlines to meet and pages to produce. The solution is to write, write, and write some more and worry about the quality later.  I have found more and more that this is true. Inspiration used to be my thing, but when I didn’t have the inspired moments when I needed them I started to doubt it is an effective method. It may be even divine  but inspiration is still not something to count on to get the job done. It may come along sometimes anyway and lend a certain extra flow to the writing  but that’s all. In my book the hard regular work  is what gets the job done at the end of the day. There are no shortcuts to good writing. There are no shortcuts to anything and least of all to the human heart and soul. Remember where you read it first when I have my fifteen minutes of fame.

Wednesday night and Thursday morning

Hey readers,

I have to share with you all the magic of another night spent at a computer screen. Yes, I did. I typed, I laughed and I smiled. Above all I had a great night, and one of the best of my life so far. Among the happiest moments there were some that rank at the top of my all time high list also. Most of it thanks to someone else but I hope I helped a little too. 

So I know you all want details but I don’t give out any details. I am not a person to reveal everything about my friends and what they say and do to the world outside. I respect them way too much to say too much about them. But of course I am happy for every friend I have and have ever had in my life. Right now I am happy to have made a new friend and I hope this friendship will last forever. I would not mind if it will. I would even be very happy if it did.

Why the male will soon be redundant

A thesis.

No, I’m just kidding.  But it was something I thought about last night for some reason. Or maybe I was only trying to find a use for the word redundant. I don’t know.  Sometimes I think that the male is really going to be redundant at some point. Why I think so ?  Well, there are some signs pointing in that direction. More women than men going to higher education, less women than men being unemployed regardless of the total level of unemployment. Less spending on the military, at least here in Sweden. Decreasing amount of  jobs in the industrial and other types of traditionally male dominated work sectors. Fewer men needed for reproduction when it can be done so many other ways than the “natural” way ( no real facts but I sense it is a growing trend somehow).  Men’s less developed social and emotional skills. Men still being stuck in old fashioned and limited images of manhood, such as the silent violent hero type.  So of what use is a man these days ?  Not many. Not many options left. Unless he makes some real efforts to change and hope that the perception of what it means to be a man also changes. Going gay is not a way out of the problem. Most men aren’t gay anyway. Besides, the men who are in the most problematic situation are the ones who are most strictly hetero and stuck in  very traditional and outdated ways of being a man. However even if there is a gay man inside every straight man, the solution is not only to open the doors to that closet but instead to embrace a less rigid way of being. See the options of letting more feelings show, admit to being weak and afraid. Looking back in history the public display of all kinds of emotions among men were not as restricted as it has become today. I know it has begun to change again and that a modern man is allowed more freedom of expression. However this is not taking place everywhere and not without resistance from both men and women, even though women would have a lot to gain from a development where men become more able to relate to and display emotions. Deeply rooted traditional cultural perceptions of real men are not just stopping men from developing a new modern manhood, but also women from accepting the changes that have to be made if men shall not become totally redundant in society.  But (some)  men still hold a lot of the power, you say. That is true, but what is that “power” ultimately based upon ? The threat of, and use of, violence. As long as men are capable of using violence to maintain power over other men and over women they will, of course. Violence as a power tool  is on the way out though as more and more people seek the roads leading to peace, safety and freedom in democratic societies where equality between men and women is  a huge part of the norm. I believe that when wars and large-scale violent conflicts become less and less effective ways to solve the many problems facing all humans, men’s power will be all but lost. The future belongs to women – and hopefully to a new and improved type of men.

Oh yes I am whining again. Or not. Just think that this is my most confused posting since the beginning of this blog.

No use II – the sequel

Sometimes I feel like a total failure. Today is such a day. I thought my Saturday started in a good way. I woke up, felt refreshed and had a nice time reading the news and having breakfast. Then I went to the bus stop and rode the bus to the church to go look after my father’s grave and take care of the flower bed. All that was a nice trip. Sunny weather and not too warm. I enjoyed doing it. From the church I went to the local discount store and picked up some food and drinks needed. Vegetables, frozen food and other stuff. Rode the bus back  and came home to have some lunch. Everthing was good. I looked forward to the evening with great anticipation and felt it was going to be a very happy time.  Sure enough it started out pretty good and I was glad to be a part of it. But, it was not to last, the longer the evening went the lower my spirits fell. Most of the time of the night I felt all alone, like someone looking in on a party without being invited. Maybe not fair to describe it that way but it was the feeling I had. A feeling I’ve had too many times in the past. A feeling I always dread but can’t seem to escape from no matter how much I tell myself to not allow it to grow and take hold of me. It is a destructive feeling but in my life during the later years destruction seems to be the order of the day along with failure.

I can’t hold a job, I can’t find a job, I can’t manage my money and now it seems I can no longer manage relations to other people, not even friendly people. The circle of failure and destruction is soon complete. Then I may start to ask myself what the point is to be alive at all. Someone will say because as long as you are alive things can change for the better. That is true, they can change, but also for the worse. I can’t take more of disasters and disappointments, I need something to hold on to. Some hope of a better future, a better tomorrow. Somehow. Sure I am glad to see the happiness around me. My friend being happy at last after many sorrows. But then the little egoistic voice rises inside me: what about me ? Why can I not ever find happiness and a good life ? I don’t understand what I have done to deserve so much misery and pain lately. Were I to believe in God, I might think I am being tested but I don’t believe in any higher powers. What I should do is to believe in myself but it seems like I haven’t got the strength.  I am a failure pure and simple. Not a man but a mouse. No wonder no one likes me when I don’t even believe it is possible for anyone to like me. No wonder I hate the world when I also hate myself. And hate myself for hating everything. There’s no use to dig deeper into this. I am already in a deep hole in the ground and I will remain there, unseen and unwanted as long as I live probably. Feels like a kick in the nuts.

Friday

BabiTag Comments – Sassy Trendy Sexy

Last night

No I won’t even try. To describe last night there are no words to do it justice. Let’s just say I had maybe one of the best times of my life ever and that I never wanted that night to end but it did. When the sun rised and I had to sleep… But those hours before. Heavenly. And yet it was not like it was a lot happening it was just natural simple fun and so very nice to be a part of it all. The company was they key. This one person made all the difference. Just don’t know in what way I can explain it so you all would see what I see or understand why the night was so great. I won’t try.

Listen up

I’m listening. I am. I am. Really. I am. But what are you saying ? I’m saying peace on Earth and good will to men. Only to men? No, not only, but you know what I mean. That you’re mean, that I know. No, no, no.  I am not mean,  I’m saying you know what I mean, don’t you ? Maybe. But I don’t like the way you’re saying it. Tough. You just have to get used to it. I do not have to get used to anything you have to say. Oh yes you do, because I am the writer and you are just a figment of my imagination. Ha! You’re crazy. I know, or maybe I’m not crazy. Maybe you are just saying that because I wrote it for you to say! That’s a very cruel thing to say… I’m not talking to you anymore, go away. I can’t go away. Why not? If I go, you won’t exist. OH my God, you are really out there aren’t you ? Who do you think you are ? GOD ? No, I think I am the writer and that this little conversation is over. You’re damn right it is ! As a matter of……

The End

School days

I remember being in school. I remember playing sports. I remember the physical education classes. I remember the smell of sweat in the locker room. A smell not possible to describe but one that I will never be able to forget or get out of my system. Locker rooms smell bad. Always. Sweaty clothes, damp socks and dusty, dirty shoes. Odd mixture. At school I was not a jock. I was not a sport fanatic. I was not into sports. I always felt inferior. Always felt like the odd man out. I didn’t look like much. Little too fat for my length, not enough muscles. Still not as skinny as some of the other guys but anyway, the worst part of phys. ed. was the changing of clothes and the shower after the class. You had to shower even if you had been active in the playing of sports for only a few minutes during class and hardly broken a sweat. Shower was always cold as I remember. Ice cold. Even when warm. Never any time for the water to get really warm before the next guy wanted to get under the water. I think I showered once or twice in three years during  high school. At school that is. At home I showered often and always kept myself clean. Still I was accused of smelling badly by the jock types at school. Those who went out in the winter cold with wet hair and seemed pleased when some hair froze into ice.  Those guys were strange. They always got to pick teams when we played soccer or any other ball games. Yet when we had some gymnastics they were often excused due to injuries from doing sports outside of school.  However if I ever tried to be excused from a class due to injury or illness, I was looked upon as a cheater and often forced to take part anyway. It was not ever fair.  Life seldom is fair.

No use

going on about problems and other things bothering me. One reason is I don’t need the world to know everything. Another reason is it could damage me if too much information is made public. Never kn0w who is reading. It is a fact that employers check up on possible new employees to find out what kind of information they have made public on the internet and what kind sites and discussion groups they take part in and are members of. So if I write too much about my work and past employers and people I have worked with I might run the risk of not getting a job I want. However my present crisis has nothing to do with work – past or future – but more with not having any work at all for a long time. And about me being through a time of personal depressive thoughts and feelings. I am now out of the depressive stage but facing another kind of depression. Enough of that.

Fairy tales

No I stopped reading fairy tales long ago. However sometimes life seems like a fairy tale. And sometimes people I meet seem too much of a dream to really be real even when they are. Last night, this morning, I spent lots of time with a person like that. Not that I don’t believe the reality of it all, but the whole night took on a dreamlike quality. Or maybe I was just sleepy and had trouble staying totally awake. Or I was hypnotized. Anything goes. Anyway I haven’t felt so alive in a long time. For some hours my troubles were gone, and my mind free of problems to be solved. For a moment I felt free. At the same time I shared that time with someone I really wanted to share the time with. How long it has been since I felt this good I don’t remember. Suddenly I started to believe in the modern communication technology and how it enables people to talk and interact across all borders and distances. It was a great night.

The day was good too, as it enabled me to talk to my old friend and have a nice time.  All in all my Saturday night/Sunday morning was fantastic.

Certain fluff not forgotten…