Life is a pain

that never stops. Believe me. I know. I have seen the truth and it is not a pretty sight to behold. Rather ugly actually. Really ugly. And when I say ugly, I mean UGLY.

U-G-L-Y.

There it is. That’s what the truth about life looks like. Never forget it. I sure won’t. Not ever. Sometimes I wish I could just drift away though. But it seems like there’s nothing moving. How to get it moving ? No idea. Wish I had any idea at all. Right now. I don’t have any. So it is all over and now there’s only a matter of time before the roof falls down and the walls come crashing in. Then I can start to worry. As if I am not worried now.

Over and out and over again …

Thursday in November

Hello, it’s me again.  At the moment when it seemed safe to go out and read this blog I have to crash the party with yet another post of a very slight importance, if any at all. But hey, that’s me. If don’t have anything to say I get up in the evening and write, type, a pointless post. Just in case I have any readers left to annoy, here’s a few words of no meaning and coherence lined up in order to read or just skip over. Your choice. I only put the words out there I don’t decide what you make of them. Maybe you think I am insane or boring, funny or dumb. I can’t say. That would give the plot away. There isn’t one. Who said that ? I did. Who are you ? I am a figment of your imagination. Oh, it’s you again. Yes, surprised ? Not at all. I knew you’d show up again when I least expect you to. Sure, that’s the whole idea. Do you mind if I finish this post? Not at all. Ok, thanks figment. My pleasure pointless blogger. Right imagined intelligence. No problem typo. Whatever.

Strange things happen

when you least expect them to. This weekend something strange happened. I visited a website I hadn’t been at for a long time and there I saw a friend I hadn’t seen for a long time and thought I would never see again. I had given up all hope and made my peace with it all and then this happens when I think I am finally through it all and past the feeling of loss and sorrow. Well maybe there is some meaning to this, or maybe it is just a happy coincidence. However I am happy but also a bit nervous. Do I really want to continue or not ? Those thoughts were there at first. I felt like it would be easier to just preserve the memory of what had been then to continue and start again. Finally I did decide to continue. After all this friendship means something to me  – and I was very happy with it and very sad when it ended without warning two months ago when my friend disappeared suddenly.  Now I know why and feel much better about it all. Still have the memory of feeling  surprise and loss though. Wish it won’t happen again. And the feeling of guilt for doubting the honesty of my friend. Now I know better and will not doubt again. At least this time it didn’t turn out like the experience from last year. I am glad that it didn’t.

Thursday Thursday Thursday Thursday …

Thanks, another dull day to remember to forget as soon as possible. On the other hand you never know it could turn out to be rather good if you just hang in long enough. But, that takes stamina. Something I have a very short supply of. I’m often out of it. Which means I am totally off most of the time. As right now in fact. When I’m on again i will be able to explain why. Maybe. Not really sure. Can’t promise anything. I’m done with promises. Always leads to disappointments and misery. So this is another pointless post written just by accident. Indeed it is. This blog is mostly made up of pointless posts like this one.  But I have a plan to publish this blog in a book. Someday it will happen. Then you will be able to order a copy of it and put it on your coffee table and look really smart. Or not. But I make no promises. It is just a thought I have.  Ok, I’m done.

Deal me some new cards

why don’t you…

The ones I’ve got are no good.

But, I’ve got to play my hand anyway. That’s how life goes.  Sad but true. There are no ways around it. Got to face the music. No matter how much it sucks to do it. Right. Left. Eyes forward. Wait a minute. What if I decide not to move ? What then ? Will the world stop ? No it will keep on turning and I have to accept that there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

Poor

Sure this is another whining post from me to you all. You can stop reading here and you won’t have missed a thing. It is Monday, weather has been dull and I’ve had a rotten day. So far nothing new. At least not for those who know me and/or have followed this unfocused blog for some time. However there’s something about Mondays never turning out the way I want them to, or wish them to. Always there’s bad news or often there is bad news. Rarely any good news, but it happens. Today is a day of bad news or rather a day of no good news, at least not so far. Things can change. I’ve learned that too over the years. Mostly in recent years. How fast it can change too. Sometimes faster than a speeding bullet. No need to wonder why or how, that’s just the way life is. Sometimes I wish it wouldn’t be. Sometimes I just wish for some shelter from the storm. Some time to catch up and make sense of what happened before something else hits me over the head when I am not looking. Without fail it will. Hit me, that is. I am writing this just to be sure. Anyway for those who didn’t stop reading at the start of this post let me thank you and tell you that you’ve just wasted your time because this is the  end of my post coming up and it won’t get any better. Won’t even have point. It will just end without warning. Right now.

What’s happiness got to do with it ?

Who needs eternal happiness ? Of course some happiness is good. Everyone likes to feel happy from time to time. However, the latest trend seems to be a fruitless – mostly anyway – search for some kind of eternal happiness that will make your life perfect somehow. And there are loads of books on this subject out there for you to dive into in order to learn how to find the Lord of Happy, the one Happy to rule them all. The eternal kingdom – empire – of  Happiness  is out there somewhere, waiting to be discovered and all these get-happy-books promise that they hold the key to the door. For a price of course. No getting happy without paying first, not in the Godgiven market economy which rules everything in this world. The only ones getting happy are the authors of those happy-books and they will soon start to write books on how depression can actually be good for you. When happy is not trendy anymore – depression will be back in style. Mark my words, I have been wrong before.

A Monday in October 2009

Hello, I want to tell you something. The situation is under control. We have a plan for this kind of event and it is now put in effect.  So we ask everyone to remain calm and trust the system and the officials. There is no cause for alarm at this point. If and when a general meltdown of public affairs occurs you will all be informed. That’s is all for now. This meeting is over.  I am leaving for Dover. In a Rover. Duh ?
My friend Clifford tells me that this is not a drill and that it will be a thrill to be taking that pill that makes you ill but that also will take you higher and make the landing soft.  Clifford knows these things. He has got lots of experience. In the past he has been trying out every possible method to escape imagination and step into reality. Now he is sure to have found the right way after years of fruitless searching. Wish me luck, he says. Because I am about to go where no man has gone before. I hope I will be able to return and tell the story. If not, tell the world I went out with my eyes open and my head held high. Clifford is not a brave man but he is not a coward.  He knows that to be brave is only for the foolish ones. Clifford is a smart guy. When danger knocks on his door, he makes sure the door is locked. Yet Clifford wouldn’t be the man he is if he didn’t have within him the urge to explore new frontiers and push himseld to the very limits of human endurance. But brave he is not. Clifford makes his way through with great skill and determination, but not by taking any risks. Clifford is always making sure he is on the safe side of unsafe. Any day know Clifford is due to return from reality to tell the tale. And you, dear readers, will all be the very first to know. Clifford, if you’re out there, take care and don’t step into any dangerous places.

Sunny 7th

A new friend’s birthday today. I am sure it will be a great day. I hope so, I wish it will be. The sun is shining, the sky is blue today. It is even a little warmer. Feels good to be alive. Last post was a lot of self pity but this one will not be like that at all. Things are looking better, at least less bad. I feel better about things, but still have lots to take care of. However, that will be done one thing at a time and then maybe it will be even better to be alive. In Sweden we had a EU conference with prominent guests coming from as far away as South America yesterday. Soon it is time for all the Nobel Prize winners to gather in Stockholm and be celebrated. And soon the Christmas shopping race will start. The shop windows are being dressed up for the Christmas Season and I am sure there will be no sign of the global  financial crisis when the Swedes start spending for Christmas. I am sure sales will reach a new record high this year, as it does every year. Next year the government promises tax cuts for everyone lucky enough to have a job. Next year is election year. Next year is when the Swedes will vote for change. I can’t imagine another outcome. If this government wins the election I will pack up and move to Norway. There will not be any future in Sweden for poor people like myself. Ok, I promised not to be negative today so I will say that it is good that this is a democratic nation where we can express our opinions freely.

Out and over !

I wish I was somebody else

cause somedays it sucks to be me. At least it feels like it sucks to be me. Ok, I will be fair, it is my fault. I care and I try to be nice because I have this vain idea that if I throw some niceness out I might have some thrown back at me, but in this day and age that seems to happen less and less often. However I wasn’t brought up to be a grumpy old miser so I will go on trying to be nice and I will still care about people around me, and about the world I live in. No other way I want to be but it seems if I could be somebody else I might feel better. I don’t know . Maybe I am just in one of my moods because the air is cold and there’ll be snow tomorrow and it is dark and Winter is knocking at the door and life is not very happening. And because it sucks to not have a job and no money and nothing to look forward to and ….well I could make a long list but who would care…right I know when to stop feeling sorry for myself.

I promise I will be happy again very soon. Very soon. Very. Soon.